The latest Public Service sector strike action over pay and conditions came from the most unlikely groups of workers, NHS cardboard cut-out Nurses. These Nurses were introduced to remind visitors to wards to wash their hands before and after they leave, with an automated recorded message as they walked passed.

However, due to human staff shortages, the Nurses have been given extra patient responsibilities, such as giving patients’ bed baths and taking temperatures, by NHS bosses. One male patient said "the Nurses are doing the best they can in the given circumstances, but when they try to give me a bed bath they just go soggy. Besides, they're not the best conversationalists in the world "When I say 'Good morning Nurse' they just say 'Please remember to wash your hands'”.

Besides extra patient responsibilities the Nurses are reporting more attacks by drunken patients split evenly between those annoyed hearing "please wash your hands" messages every time walk past, and horny male patients who are trying to get off with the nurse who wears a sexy uniform. A Doctor who admitted to having a 3 month affair with a Cardboard Nurse said "my girlfriend has forgiven me. The nurse and I continue to work professionally. Besides I couldn't help myself, have you seen the uniform on that Nurse - cor blimey, ding dong!"

Outside Hospital gates up and down the country the Cardboard Nurses have set up picket lines without a burning fire to keep warm. "Well it's a Health and Safety matter, besides its summer we don't need the fire', before adding "Please remember to wash your hands".

A spokesperson for the Cardboard Nurses Union said "If the Government thinks that we'll accept the 1.5% over 3 years, is unacceptable." Health Secretary, Alan Johnson MP, said "I'd like to reassure the public that their safety is paramount and that there will be no shortage of Nurses during the strike. We already have initiated a contingency plan to recruit a number of cardboard nurses from the Philippines."

Other cardboard cut-outs are showing solidarity with the cardboard Nurses, a Police cardboard cut-out said "Unfortunately, we're not legally able to strike but we can work to rule."

The cut-out Nurses desperately need their working conditions and pay to improve as the Medical world is high pressure and fast moving. Some cut-out nurses who are unable to cope are taking drugs or try to get attention by cutting themselves.

if they don't start being nice.

International Rescue, commonly known as Thunderbirds, has announced that they are limiting their activities due to soaring fuel costs. "Given fuel prices are hitting $120 per barrel, and that our work is on a voluntary basis, we are having to limit rescue missions by only sending one Thunderbird craft," International Rescue said in a statement.

International Rescue has worldwide fame for helping people out of situations which they, more often than not, have been stupid enough to put themselves into in the first place. Their two most famous craft, Thunderbirds 1 and 2, are used in most rescue missions and come directly from International Rescue's headquarters, of which the location is unknown.

Thunderbirds analyst Jeff Thomas said, "The announcement suggests that International Rescue are embarking on a cost-cutting exercise. I would expect that aircraft fuel efficiency will be first on the agenda."

British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown spoke of his support for the Thunderbirds, "I have shown Britain that I can manage floods and terrorist attacks. I would urge International Rescue to contact us so we can help support them, and I can take the credit." Some columnists have even suggested that the PM might make fuel duty exemption for the organisation.

However, Greenpeace campaigners hit back at International Rescue for not taking more care over their carbon emissions, "Sending two aircraft for most missions is totally unnecessary, as is constantly visiting the space station. It's about time they thought about not only saving people but also the planet."

Man stunned to find Janet Street-Porter on doorstep

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today admitted to an amazing list of mistakes. Aides say that this shows contrition after the local election results, and shows that Gordon Brown is a fully paid-up member of the human race and is, therefore, capable of feeling our pain.

The list of blunders includes:

� texting over 3,042 entries to an ITV phone-in, with the misguided aim of securing an award for Ant and Dec

� failing to use 242 clubcard points before they expired, in June 2001

� economising on the redecoration of Number 10 by re-using old wallpaper

� not noticing the rising cost of food and fuel, or public anger at tax rises

� suing The Daily Blurt over its now-infamous �Brown Trousers� headline

� ignoring all TV and radio interview questions and just reading out prepared statements like a robot

� pursuing Edwina Curry to join a �Government of All The Talents�

Gordon Brown believes that these disclosures will �clear the slate� and that his victory at the next General Election is now assured.

Cocaine contaminated eggs from a flock of free range Columbian Black Tail Hens have been recalled by Waitrose Limited. The farm who supplied the suspect batch of eggs believe the hens were awoken in the middle of the night by a free rave taking place in a neighbouring field. The hens got off their perches and decided to join the party � fox or no fox. Apparently they then pecked their way through copious amounts of illegal mind-altering substances without a thought on the effect to the poor old human consumers who would be chomping on their eggs a few days later.

When interviewed. A spokes chicken for the flock said �Admittedly we are free to roam in this country but we really miss the home of our ancestors. A lot of the drugs we encountered at the rave were crap and cut with substances we didn�t recognise but we soon sorted the wheat from the chaff and found the genuine cocaine. After the weed, we got the munchies and proceeded to peck away to our hearts content on the white lines laid before us. We�re now recuperating because we laid a hell of a lot of eggs over the following few daze!�

It will cost an American - in America - just $279 (c. GBP143) to rent a dog for four days per month via Flex Petz USA. If you are British - in Britain - renting a dog for four days per month via Flex Petz UK based office will cost you GBP279 (c. $541). Perhaps the UK fees include return transatlantic air fares.

The American rent-a-dog company, Flex Petz, has decided to close its UK rent-a-moggy operation due to cats refusing to comply with their hire contracts (i.e. when the feline rental day arrived the cats disappeared and refused to come when called). All prepaid monthly membership fees will be refunded to those who were dumb enough to think that anyone could rent-a-cat.

Energy firm npower has sacked six salesmen as it undergoes a regulator probe for mis-spelling, the company said.

'I can take them within striking distance of the middle of the lower divisions.'

"This is an outrageous accusation" said a spokesman, "We used telephones, not guns!"

Police accused of being over-zealous,and warned that anyone wearing a Bomber Jacket should not automatically be arrested as a suspected terrorist.

Claims that the Opposition has won the Election in Zimbabwe have been discounted by Robert Mugabe

�The Spivs are the forgotten heroes of the Second World War�, says Ian Calvin-Knox MP, whose Grandfather was a Spiv. �They were not allowed to participate in any of the parades after the war and got no medals�.

But today the government announced, after a long campaign by Mr Calvin-Knox MP, that The Spivs, the petty criminals who dodged the front line and selfishly lined their own pockets, while other young men sacrificed their lives, are to receive formal recognition for their part in the war effort.

In a shock move Virgin TV has announced that it has been secretly filming a rival to Sky's relaunced "Gladiators" format. A Virgin spokesperson said "It is true that we are launching a programme in a similar format to Sky's, but there will be a crucial difference - our competitors will all be overweight, unfit and with questionable personal hygiene".

The new show will feature the "Flabiators" resident team including:

"The Blob" 19 Stone, of almost pure lard, and 5 foot 3 inches tall, able to reach speeds of up to almost 3 miles an hour. Special move - a quick five minute sit down.

"The Gut" 22 Stone, concentrated in an enormous beer belly, dodgy knees. Special move, able to produce obnoxious farts, capable of downing an ox at 50 paces.

"Gert Big Lump of a Lass" She's 5 foot 6 inches tall, ways 28 stone 11 pounds and has a real attitude problem. Special move, blocking doors by wedging in them.

The show will include rounds such as:

The belly bump - contestants will rush towards each other at as high a speed as they can manage, with bare bellies - last one standinh on impact is the winner.

Who ate all the pies - contestants fight over a table full of mince pies, then the judges have to guess who ate most of them.

Builder's Crack - who can produce the longest Builder's Crack without their trousers dropping around their ankles on a short run to the bar.

The Virgin Spokesperson concluded that "we strongly feel that the people involvedare more reflective of our demographic. And Gladiators demographic come to think of it".

after "Great tits..." story makes it to top of 'Most Read' chart.

Speaking in a press conference held in the lowest circle of Hell, Adolf Hitler today denied any links to Josef Fritzl, and challenged Fritzl's claims that being in the Hitler Jugend drove him to keep his dauhter in the basement and father a series of children upon her.

"Ja, sure, we gassed a few million folks for being Jewish, or gay, or whatever, but DUDE! Ze FUCK!" the former Reichchancellor said, shaking his head.

"I mean, she's your daughter, guy, zat's FUCKED," he continued.

"Listen," he added, "Not everyone who was in the Jugend ended up fucked up, right? I mean, just because one guy systematically abuses people in his care and conceals it from the world for decades, doesn't mean all ex-jugend would make a habit of it, right?"

A worried Goebbels hurriedly pulled Hitler aside for a moment, before allowing him to return to the microphones.

"Fuck, yeah, alright, AND THE POPE. Jesus, you get TWO BAD APPLES, suddenly, you're ADOLF FUCKING HITLER".

A sobbing Hitler was led away to replace his testicles in the river of lava.

Robbie Williams to present the Award.

... as New Libdems, or maybe Liberal SDP Alliance, or the Liberals perhaps, or Whigs is a good name...

Nominations are being sought for the new Celebrity Chef Shadow Cabinet as they are announced as the official party of opposition following Gordon Ramsey, Jamie Oliver and co's confirmation that they have opinions about just about everything...

... but still more popular than the Tories.

We can exclusively reveal that Kirsty MacColl's 1981 hit "There's A Guy Works Down the Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis" was written following a London encounter with Elvis Presley. The late Ms MacColl discovered Presley working behind the counter of a suburban fish and chip shop some two years after the King's apparent death.

Following up a tip-off from a reader, we tracked the King down to a two-bedroom maisonnette in a Croydon sidestreet.

Elvis was reluctant to be interviewed, but did spend a couple of minutes talking to our reporter. He confirmed that he had been in England since September 1977 and had worked at the Gracelands Fryer until his recent retirement. Now 73, Elvis barely resembled the global superstar as he opened the door in an old cardigan and slippers.

"Well, I'm kinda shook up that you've found me" he said, "I've heard the fuss about sightings of me but didn't think that anyone would actually believe them", he said.

"It's hard to keep a low profile when you've been this famous, but they've all rallied round me at Gracelands".

Despite recent stories alleging a meeting with Tommy Steele in London in 1958, we were able to confirm a rather different version of events:

"I did meet Tommy Steele in London, but it was '76. I had always wanted to try some genuine English fish and chips; Tommy found the Gracelands Flyer in the phone book for me. We popped in to give it a try and the batter was so good, it turned out to be a life-changing experience for me", said Elvis.

"Tommy and I came up with a plot to fake my 'death', so that I could live my dream. We thought it had worked until now. Kirsty MacColl was the only other person to find out. The Gracelands Fryer wasn't that popular, to be honest".

No-one from the Gracelands Fryer was available for comment, but a sign outside the premises did warn that no more than two school children were allowed in at once.

Studs Bennett, born the Tommy James Quartet, would have liked to have died as he had lived � in a mild state of bewilderment. As it was he slipped away quietly at home, with his wife Ella, two children and the Orange County Fire Department at his bedside.

Bennett rose to prominence at Le Club Biscuit Bourbon in San Francisco with his mean, dispirited rendition of Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport, still considered by jazz buffs to be amongst the most mournful renditions of life in the Australian outback. Fat Willy Boston guested on alto didgeridoo.

After Studs� father, the Sam Walker Trio, died when his boat accidentally struck a crate of iceberg lettuce, Studs moved out west to concentrate really really hard. He chose the tiny Pacific island of Guadalcanal and embarked upon what many would later say was the golden age of his musical tenancy, cutting the famous recording of the old Cliff Lazarenko/Jocky Wilson classic �Double Top�. Then the war began.

Studs was interned on Midway island and whilst under lock (and sometimes key when he�d been extra naughty) he cut three sensational albums, �We�re Talking Tora Tora Tora!�, �Studs Bennett Live in a Small Tin Box� and finally his ghostly masterpiece �Banzai Banjo�s!� For the latter he won the coveted Imprisoned Jazz Musician of the Year Award.

After the war he concentrated his efforts on assembling an all-star sextet with Bunny Watson on slide trombone and Sonny Silver on a normal one. Herb Stuffing dueted on clarinet.

In 1947 Bennett played a White House Inaugural Gala for John F. Kennedy, even though the fledgling Kennedy was 16 and had never been to the White House. It aroused so much controversy Joseph Kennedy was minded to go to the gala and take his son home. Studs recalls Joseph�s words to his wayward boy as the black stretch limo rolled down the White House drive, �Now you sit still on the back seat where I know you�ll be safe.�

Through the �50�s Bennett was, as ever, his old self, some even said maybe more so. Appearing in front of the House Un-American Activities Committee he took the third amendment, which it turned out, enshrined his right to rear livestock and grow root vegetables.

Before retiring in 1964 Studs came out of retirement, after that he realised a long held, deeply significant personal ambition � to go to the bathroom on his own. In retirement he finally found the time to play with his children � David, a 48 year old Chief Economist with the Bank of Massachusetts, and Stella, wife to the Cultural Attach� for Nyasaland.

In 1977 Studs began to complain of crippling pains in his feet. He didn�t stop complaining until New Years day 1993, breaking all previous records and in the process raising well over $112 for charity. On examination it transpired Studs had been wearing shoes four sizes too small since the Berlin Airlift of 1947 � though no one knows if these two events were connected.

Studs died peacefully in his sleep at 4 am on Monday May 5th 2008. His final wish was to be buried in a vegetable allotment next to his dogs Bertha and Trojan. The dogs struggled at first but eventually gave up the fight.

Studs Bennett will perhaps be best remembered by those who knew him best.

BRITISH scientists have proved once and for all that a poke in the eye with a sharp stick is better than a kick in the teeth, it has been revealed.

A team of experts at Oxford University spent four years on the study, which involved subjecting over 5,000 volunteers to pokes and kicks and measuring the results.

Dr Melvin Smith, who led the research, said he was 'surprised' by the results.

'There were variables - those people who were poked first thing in the morning, when the sticks were at their sharpest, for instance, tended to favour the kick in the teeth. Equally, those kicked in the teeth at the end of the day, by which time the researchers were tired, fed up and wanted to go home, tended to get a more vigorous kick and, concomitantly, felt the poke was better.

'But overall, 62% of test subjects preferred the poke in the eye. In statistical terms that is actually quite significant.

'We controlled for error using a third technique, the smack in the face, and foud the poke in the eye consistently preferred.'

Dr Smith, whose team is now investigating whether a stitch in time really does save nine, agreed that his research had no practial applications.

'But it's sort of what we do,' he added.

In its continuing effort to reduce its carbon footprint, the US Army is investigating the possibility of running its nuclear arsenal on bio-fuel. The army has long been concerned about that the impact of its inter-continental weapons on the environment. George Bush in understood to have ordered a full review on whether the nuclear missiles can be switched to more eco-friendly fuel. Bush stated �we have to protect this planet for our children & their children, and this measure would assist in significantly lowering the emissions of thermo-nuclear devices. I want people to realize that we in the United States are serious about saving the planet�

This is one of a series of possible steps by the US Army. Rumoured to be in development is a Hybrid Abrahams tank, which runs on normal fuel in combat situations and battery power for patrols, a bio-degradable land-mind (already coloured sensitively to blend with the surrounding environment), and grenades which explode with minimal noise pollution.

It is in understood that the US hopes that not only can it lower its emissions, but that it can make the combat zone a nicer place to be. This way it can attract more recruits, keep the civilians on-side, and show the enemy in a bad light. �I don�t think Al Qaeda care much for the environment, do you?� said one high-ranking US official.

Weapons manufacturers are watching the situation closely, looking to see whether this century will usher in cleaner, safer killing machines. �If you look at where we�ve come from� said the one industry insider �with the original weapons of war being very green � the sword, the axe and that wooden horse � it�s ironic that we should be coming full circle.

The Army has adopted a new phrase to reflect its new green stance: �Only kill the enemy, don�t kill our future�