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Dixons Carphone launch ‘FannyCock’ range

Already weary of dismal stand-up comedians and armchair satirists alike milking ‘dicks on car phone’ jokes, the newly merged Dixons Carphone company has hit back by announcing their new signature range of in-car communications will be branded ‘FannyCock’.

Head of Marketing Theo Holtom proudly said, ‘FannyCock is already a runaway success with pre-orders outstripping capacity, particularly in Thailand and Austria, oddly. We have been asked to bring out a range of phones and tablets for business users so jaded executives can say ‘Ya I’m on the FannyCock today, send me your spreadsheets and I’ll look at them on that’.

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Pharmaceutical companies to promote drugs through interpretative dance

Following a new swathe of bribery and corruption allegations being levelled at Glaxo Smithkline, the pharmaceutical industry has announced that henceforth it plans to promote its products through the power of ‘ribbons’, ‘spandex body suits’ and a judicious sprinkling of ‘jazz hands’.

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Government agrees to ‘gentlemen’s agreement’ with G4S over being ripped off

Whitehall has agreed to allow G4S to bid for lucrative contracts again, on the condition that they ‘don’t make it too obvious’ when they’re defrauding the public purse of hundreds of millions of pounds.

At a press conference earlier today, a Treasury spokesman confirmed that a ‘gentlemen’s bargain’ had been struck, saying that ‘Ultimately, we know the private sector will always provide better value for money than our own bloated and befuddled ways. If we have to turn a blind eye to a few pens missing from the office, or bars of gold from the Bank of England, then that’s just the price we pay for the extraordinary expertise they bring in providing trained security guards for international events and tagging prisoners who are definitely alive and still under surveillance, rather than not really there at all, really.’

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Bitcoins to be replaced with Lego

long track record, future proofAs the MtGox Exchange files for bankruptcy, virtual investors have been frantically looking for an alternative currency that could provide the twin qualities of stability and an ever present threat to bare feet.

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Great white shark seen in Atlantic on its way to take over Co-op Bank

can't wait to sink its teeth inA great white shark that was spotted crossing from one side of the Atlantic to the other is on its way to hold discussions with the board of directors at the Co-op Bank, according to the head of the expedition tracking it.

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