‘When he first appeared it was like he came out of nowhere,’ said Garth Chivers, editor of trend-setting weekly, the New Theological Express. ‘He was young and fresh, really of the moment, and he took things in an exciting new direction. There’s no doubting the lasting influence of his seminal early work – it’s just that the scene has moved on and those saviour stylings just sound so old skool now.’

‘It’s never easy following up a classic debut. Just look how things turned out for The Stone Roses,’ said Ellie Carl, chief writer for respected industry organ, Me and My Maker. ‘You’ve got to strike that difficult balance between giving the old fans more of what made you famous, while taking things on artistically and appealing to the younger demographic who weren’t there the first time round. These days the industry simply demands that kind of regular reincarnation. Still, I’d be amazed if his management dropped him.’

Industry rumours are that Jesus has been suffering from saviour’s block and struggling to find a new angle on the same old themes of peace and love to all men, but his management insist he is putting the finishing touches to new material with his regular backing group and label-mates, The Disciples. ‘The new stuff will be darker and edgier than his earlier work, reflecting his experiences in the industry. Jesus really feels as if the critics built him up in order to, well, not knock him down exactly, but just leave him dangling there, you know.’

A spokesman for Christianity last night confirmed that details of Jesus’s comeback ‘This Really Is It’ tour will be announced shortly. It’s thought a promotional DVD, ‘What Jesus Did Next’, is also in the pipeline, with a ‘making of’ documentary that sceptics are really looking forward to, as well as re-issues of his classic Roman Empire tour T-shirt, ‘I’m with the banned’. But despite demand, tickets for his live shows are expected to be extremely limited, with bouncers at venues given clear instructions only to issue ‘Access All Areas’ passes to those whose names are on the guest-list.

The Sky News presenter, now trapped under the rubble of the giant interactive video screen, continues to give regular live updates. ‘I am reporting to you quite literally from inside the news,’ said Burley, ‘around me all I can see are the shattered remains of events, stories that have been tragically cut off in their prime, news items that will never now see the light of day. But one story remains. A story of hope. A story of triumph over disaster. And that story is me.’

A search and rescue operation is already underway, led by Sky Weatherman, and all action hero, Francis Wilson. ‘If I have to pull the rubble apart with my bare hands then I will do it,’ said Wilson, ripping off his shirt and adjusting his hair, ‘I will do whatever it takes to save that woman.’

There is increasing concern that Burley, who is caught within a multi-media air pocket, will soon run out of the oxygen of publicity. ‘We will report on her plight for as long as we can,’ said Dermot Murnaghan, ‘but, inevitably, there will be a point when we get bored of her and move on to another more important story. We can only hope and pray that during this critical period all sports stars stop having affairs.’

It is unclear what caused the News Wall to collapse although many had warned that it was structurally unsound. ‘A lot of the wall was held together by much weaker items that were not made of actual news,’ said media expert, Raymond Snoddy, ‘Within the rubble we have already found the remnants of celebrity gossip, tittle tattle and idle speculation. These features will have severely undermined the integrity of the wall and made it vulnerable to collapse.’

Hopes were beginning to fade for Burley last night, who is being kept alive by a 24 hour news feed. ‘We don’t know how long she can survive in there,’ said a tearful Eamonn Holmes, ‘but we really need to get her out soon because tomorrow she’s got a very big interview with Peter Andre.’

‘Of course the whole thing is so derivative,’ said friend of the stars, Lionel Blair, ‘First drugs, then cosmetic surgery, now she is planning to remarry a man she only just divorced. This was all done years ago by Elizabeth Taylor.’

Ms Winehouse is just the latest victim of the Government’s new celebrity reclassification scheme. Other downgraded celebs include Robbie Williams, Katie Price and Anne Widdicombe. ‘Each of these celebrities remain famous but they are producing smaller and smaller effects,’ said Celebritologist, Dr Hildegard of Bingen, ‘Of course they are all still dangerous if you take them in high enough quantities. But the worst you are likely to suffer is a headache or nausea.’

The Celebs Advisory Board are playing a game of catch up as new celebrities appear out of nowhere and then disappear again. ‘We had only just classified Jedward as ‘mostly harmless’ and now they’ve vanished,’ said Biggins. ‘Meanwhile, some celebrities that have recently appeared on the market may be very dangerous indeed. Michael McIntyre, for example, seems innocuous enough but in the long term may lead to feelings of emptiness, dispondency and perhaps even suicide.’

‘I have never been inappropriately intimate with any of the dishes I have worked with,’ she said. ‘Sure, I like to have fun in the kitchen as much as the next girl, but I keep things strictly professional. The risotto in question was moist, rich and dripping with flavour, but I kept it covered from the moment it came out of the oven.’

Lawson then slowly ran her tongue around her bottom lip and added, ‘It’s the only way to keep its… juices… intact.’

The risotto, which cannot be named for legal reasons, is thought to be a zesty lemon dish, which Lawson even introduced to her family at one point.

A spokesperson for Lawson’s husband, art patron and advertising guru Charles Saatchi, said. ‘Charles is very upset, particularly at the thought of Nigella and the risotto sharing the family kitchen. He just has to picture them together – her with her flawless skin, voluptuous body and cascading brown hair and the risotto in a shallow dish, sticky to the taste and barely covered with a light garnish.’

According to the newspaper report, Lawson and the risotto ‘romped’ at a hotel in Norwich over the Xmas period, while her family believed her to be filming a ‘farmhouse special’ for Channel 4. A fellow guest described hearing the clattering of pans and lip-smacking coming from their room.

Lynn Berry, a food and relationship expert, commented, ‘People have been quick to blame Nigella, but the risotto is hardly innocent in all of this. The kids weren’t around; Charles was off buying some overpriced piece of nonsense and any red-blooded woman would be tempted to seek out some comfort food. We’re talking about a hot, Italian dish that probably goes down quicker than a baby in a flume.’

However, chef Gary Rhodes believes Lawson sets a bad example for young cooks. ‘I don’t think a married woman with young children should be provocatively rubbing a glazed ham on national television,’ he said. ‘And she followed that by basting a chicken in a manner so lascivious that it wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Thai knocking shop. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Even on the tenth or eleventh viewing I couldn’t help but feel it was one of the most shamefully erotic scenes every to appear before the watershed.’

Lawson, meanwhile, has appealed for privacy. It is believed she has gone away to avoid the media glare, stopping off only briefly at home to pick up some butter, rosemary, Arborio rice and an unwaxed lemon.

Branson’s ego is one of the largest in the Western hemisphere and one of only three man-made objects visible from space. It begins with publishing a student magazine, aged 16, before taking in the Virgin record label, Virgin megastores, Virgin Atlantic Airways and Virgin Rail.

The billionaire was born in Blackheath, South London and struggled at school due to mild dyslexia, but thanks to an almost preternatural self-belief he created the Virgin brand.

Renowned Norwegian ego-tripper Serge Herfilgar, who accompanied Branson says: ‘Weddings, soft drinks, mobile phones, stem cells, TV programming, contraception there’s nothing Richard thinks he isn’t an expert in. You’ve never seen an ego like it. I’ve been with him while he walked around his island in the British Virgin Islands, rebranding everything – Virgin trees, Virgin waterfall, Virgin house… It was only because his wife put her foot down that he wasn’t allowed to name his kids – Virgin Girl and Virgin Boy.’

‘Without Richard Branson there would be no Tubular Bells,’ says retail analyst Nick Bates, ‘which in itself would make most reasonable people recoil from society in shame, but clearly Branson’s ego is vaster than even he had anticipated.’

Following the failed bid, Branson issued a statement saying, ‘I love setting myself huge, seemingly unachievable challenges and then proving everyone else wrong. I know other people have attempted to cross my ego before and failed, and I wanted to prove it could be done, preferably by me. And faster than everyone else as well. I guess you could argue that I’ve been around the world by balloon, speed boat and amphibious vehicle, but I’ve never been to me.’

Undeterred by this setback Branson has admitted he is already planning another ambitious and gruelling challenge; ‘It’s the last great physical conquest left for mankind. I am going to attempt to scale the North face of my own beard.’

The novel, ‘Daddy don’t hurt little princess happy ever after’, combines three best selling genres of child abuse, memoir and romance and is expected to dominate the Christmas best seller lists. The book is remarkable in that it required no input from an expensive celebrity at all but was computer generated and then edited by a team of self employed journalists, reducing costs considerably.

The author is also completely computer generated and is hoped to do for publishers what Lara Croft did for the gaming industry. Her name, Abi Dhabi, has been described as a ‘truly inspirational brand, combining the earthy and familiar with exotic overtones of wealth and mystery’.

An expert said publishers expected to leverage the Abi Dhabi brand through articles and photo shoots for the full spectrum of magazines from Hello! to Nuts. It is even hoped she will be able to take on the all important chat show circuit. Described by detractors as ‘a cardboard cut out with tits’, it is thought she would blend in very well with other guests on programmes such as Friday Night with Jonathan Ross.
The novel has been ordered by all the main supermarket chains, with Tesco setting a precedent by negotiating a price per tonne, a move that will drive down the price even further when the paperback version is released.

Asked for a comment, Katie Price said that the new brand of artificial celebrities could put hard working mums such as herself out of business and was ‘an affront to natural women’.

‘This cell is a monument to the indomitable human spirit, which cannot be crushed by having to spend over a year in Norfolk,’ said Rebecca Trower of Amnesty International, who added: ‘Er, no I haven’t read the book if you must know.’

Millions of people were deeply shocked by Archer’s four-year sentence for perjury and conspiracy to pervert the course of justice, when plenty of burglars get out in less. Since then, HMP Wayland has become a pilgrimage site for campaigners against injustice from all over the world.

‘It’s great news that Cell 23 will be preserved,’ commented James Burton of the charity Save Sites of Freedom. ‘After Lord Archer was moved to HMP North Coast in 2004, it underwent significant deterioration, with numerous tea stains appearing on the walls. At least I think it’s tea.’

The spider’s claims will be a shock to millions of people around the world, who were under the impression that Muffet was the innocent party in all this,’ commented James Bristow, a lecturer in literature at Oxford University. “This new information appears somewhat to tarnish the image of Muffet and puts her in a very different light. We know she was sat on a tuffet, a type of stool, and we know she ran away but everything else has been blown out of the water.’

PR specialist Max Clifford, who is representing Muffet commented, ‘My client will not be making a personal statement to the press at this time, as she is deeply upset by the claims we have all heard. What I will say is that she has admitted that her past is less than perfect, but she had turned over a new leaf in recent times and was innocently eating curds and whey when her previous ‘boss’ turned up looking for a payout. I understand that it is he who has the drug habit and he was trying to get money to feed that habit. My client has had no dealings with this individual for many months.’

The case has been re-opened by the Metropolitan Police. A spokesman said, ‘New information has come to light about an incident in which a girl was frightened by a spider, whilst consuming dairy products. At this stage we do not know whether we are talking about the infamous incy-wincy spider who we believe may be hiding in the spout. All our efforts have been focussed on trying to think of a way trying to flush him out.’