‘Abs, as he wants to be known from now on, has had a terrible time from the press over the last few years,’ explained Clifford. ‘The public want to deport him, but that’s just because they don’t know the real Abs. He’s a lovely lad really, heart of gold. What he wants to do is bare his soul on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories (although personally I’d rather be tortured in a prison cell in Jordan than talk to Piers Morgan) then try to move on. If Kerry Katona can get a second chance, surely anyone can.’

Clifford is already in the process of lining up a series of shows for Qatada to appear on. ‘We’re in advanced negotiations with I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here,’ he revealed. ‘Abs is looking forward to eating testicles in the jungle, as long as they’re halal, although we’ll have to make sure he doesn’t try to coerce his weak-minded fellow celebs into suicide bombing Ant and Dec when the rations get low. We’re also trying to get him on Celebrity Big Brother, which he reckons he can win by persuading his rivals that there’ll be 70 virgins waiting for them on the outside if they blow themselves up in the diary room.’

As well as TV appearances, Clifford is hoping to move the focus of Qatada’s press coverage away from stories about extremist Islamic preaching and his close ties to al-Qaeda. ‘I’m thinking maybe he could have an affair with Ryan Giggs or John Terry,’ said Clifford. ‘I’d also like him to find out his phone was hacked whilst he was on the inside (by the News of the World rather than MI5) so he can make a late appearance as a witness at the Leveson Enquiry. After that maybe a perfume range, a fitness DVD, a stint as a Britain’s Got Talent judge and then his own talk-show. The sky’s the limit, as long as you’re not in a hijacked plane of course.’

Clifford is also reported to be representing another jailed radical Muslim cleric, Abu Hamza, who is apparently keen to appear on Celebrity Masterchef, Gok’s Fashion Fix and Hole in the Wall upon his release. Strictly Come Dancing has been ruled out, though, due to the danger that his hook could rip his partner’s shoulder-blades out during the American Smooth.

The show aims to uncover the best new judging talent in the country, and has been hailed as a ‘shot in the arm’ by performers who welcome the fresh approach to spouting off that the new-comers bring.

Starting with a 100-foot-long panel of 20 judges back in July, audiences have seen the amateur arbiters advise, condemn then praise the same four session singers with the least popular judge voted off each week, leaving three would-be professional pontificators going into the final this weekend.

‘Judging is my dream – always has been,’ sobbed 28-year-old Liverpool hairdresser, Sarah Hughes. ‘I’ve been judging in pubs and clubs for years now and this is my last chance. This means everything to me. If only me nan was here…’

Fellow finalist Paul Kopanias, a hairdresser from East London, echoed this desire to be the last judge sitting on Sunday. ‘I started judging as a kid in my bedroom, watching Top of the Pops from behind a desk, mouthing platitudes and put-downs after each act. It’s been a dream come true to get this far, but I want to go all the way. It’ll just come down to how I judge on the night.’

Rounding out the final three, Shane Daniels, the Glasgow hairdresser who has made the ‘trick U-turn’ comment his own, added: ‘To be honest…it isn’t good that I’ve made it to the final…it’s great that I’ve got to the final! Actually…I don’t want to win…I need to win! This doesn’t, in fact, mean everything to me…it’s more important than that!’

Social commentators have pointed out that the phenomenal success of the show may signal a shift in the aspirations of young people who are no longer prepared to put in the time and effort needed to win a singing contest as their shortcut to fame, and now see judging as the ultimate free ride to riches. Seasoned pros like Sharon Osbourne and Dr Fox have also protested that this is not fair on hard-working judges who had to slog their way up to the top table.

Despite the naysayers, however, the success of ‘Britain’s Got Judges’ has definitely not gone unnoticed among channel bosses with ‘How to Judge Good Naked’, ‘Celebrity Judge Island’ and ‘Cowell’s Judging Nightmares’ already in the pipeline for the New Year.

‘We’re very excited to be involved in this project’ said Sky 1 controller Stuart Murphy . ‘The first week has proved very popular, but we think that with a better known host and of course our own unique spin on developments we can make it a real ratings winner.’ He went on to add that they’re hoping to add ‘a bit more fun into what can sometimes be a bit of a heavy subject’, with plans to add comedy sketches and a live studio band to the current format of celebrity interviews.

Celebrities have been queuing up to take part in the show described by Max Clifford as ‘a golden ticket to kickstart a flagging career.’ Charlotte Church apparently turned down by I’m a Celebrity… to take part next week, and Anne Diamond is rumoured to be planning to give evidence wearing a skimpy bikini and with a kangaroo’s testicle in her mouth.

Speaking from the red carpet outside the hearing Clifford told reporters ‘I’ve been advising all of my clients to report the possibility that they might have been hacked to the police. It’s that or Celebrity Big Brother, which to be honest is no contest.’

Meanwhile, the show has continued to court controversy, with celebrity magazine Hello yesterday applying for an injunction to prevent its rival OK! publishing photos of the event. ‘We’ve paid millions for exclusive rights’ explained a spokesman for Hello. ‘It is after all the celebrity event of the year: Hugh Grant, Sienna Miller, Steve Coogan, Elle MacPherson’s publicist – it’s better attended than The Brits.’

As well as creating a clamour for exclusive photos the event has spawned a flood of updated autobiographies by celebrities keen to tell the public just how badly their privacy was invaded. Many of them are expected to be serialised in the tabloid press over the coming weeks.

Ross himself told reporters he was delighted to be hosting the show, although he did admit that he was generally more interested in leaving voicemail messages than listening to other people’s.

‘I’m proud to announce this exclusive deal with the Royal Family,’ said Simon Cowell today. ‘The show will air within 14 days of a royal death and will run for up to 10 weeks. Potential regents will have to complete a series of demanding tasks, including waving, corgi training and shaking hands with visiting dignitaries. The winner will be crowned live in Westminster Abbey and overnight their face will be everywhere – on stamps, coins and bank-notes.’

The show, to be called ‘The Rex Factor’, will feature all the staples of the TV talent show format. ‘We’ll start with auditions to weed out the nutters,’ explained Cowell, ‘and then it’s off to boot camp. This is where aspiring royals will really be put through their paces on their Nazi impersonations and Germanic lineage. The bookies have already installed Prince Harry as the early favourite.’

The show, which is open to royals and commoners alike, will split contestants into the usual categories of the boys, the girls, the over 25s and the groups.  Each category will have a celebrity mentor, with Sarah Ferguson, Paul Burrell, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Louis Walsh already signed up.

Future contestants are already getting excited in anticipation of a royal death creating a vacancy on the throne. ‘This is all I’ve ever wanted – I was born to reign,’ said Charlie, a hopeful in the over 25s category. ‘I’ve been knocking on the door for decades and I just want a chance to show people what I can do.’ He then added tearfully, ‘I’m doing this for my mum who passed away last week. Bloody hell, I thought she was never going to die.’

Despite the excitement, traditionalists have yet to be convinced by the show. ’What’s wrong with the established convention of just passing the crown down the bloodline? Either way, the end result will be an institution that loses millions of viewers, and a winner who quickly becomes irrelevant, forgotten about and can only get gigs opening fêtes.’

bonjonelson (hat-tip to wallster)

‘Churchy’s family seem to have turned against him, he doesn’t know why but they just laugh at him every time he tells them what he’s been up to, and accuse him of making it up.’ said the source, ‘Things have got so bad that he’s taken to carrying a video camera with him everywhere he goes, and filming even the most mundane activities, like a curry with a friend, but they’re not interested. They just ignore him when he tries to show them evidence that he’s telling the truth, and it’s been getting him down for a while. I’m starting to really worry about him.’

This is not the first time that Churchill has suffered from psychological problems. When he first came to prominence in the mid-90s he initially struggled to deal with the spotlight of fame and the media intrusion, and developed a form of agoraphobia, only feeling comfortable in the house or sat on the parcel shelf of a car, where he would sit for hours, happily nodding to himself, and occasionally muttering ‘ooohhhhhh yes’.

With the help of extensive counselling he overcame those problems and began to live life to the full, making celebrity friends, such as Roy Walker, entering tug-of-war contests and taking part in extreme sporting activities including sky-diving. But when he told his family about his exploits they refused to believe him, thinking that he was making it all up in order to get attention.

‘I know some of what he’s done sounds implausible,’ continued his friend, ‘who wouldn’t be sceptical if you told them that you’d landed in a porcupine farm during a sky-dive? Why would anybody farm porcupines anyway, can you milk them or something? But the thing that has really got to him is that he has video evidence of it all, and they still don’t believe him.’

When questioned about the story and confronted with the suggestion that her actions may be the cause of Churchill’s problems, his owner and co-star Amanda Wilcox replied ‘I wouldn’t believe everything he says – just the other day he claimed that he was in a downward spiral of depression with no positives in his life, no end in sight, and was considering taking a massive overdose of painkillers.’

‘I didn’t know what else to do,’ explained Tyson. ‘I’ve spent the last two decades doing everything I possibly could to disgrace myself – raping a woman, biting another man’s ear off, having most of my face tattooed – and none of it seemed to make a blind bit of difference. I still got treated like an idol wherever I went.’

‘I remember the days when convicted rapists got the disrespect they deserved, but those days are sadly long gone. Now I’m reduced to being swamped by adoring fans, holding court in the VIP areas of night clubs and making presentations at awards ceremonies. I’m confident though that if I could just get one more shot at rape, I’d show people that they were wrong to have ever doubted my talents as a sexually violent, mentally unstable beast.’

Meanwhile in Britain, former heavyweight boxing contender Frank Bruno has also decided to come out of retirement.  ’If Tyson can do it then so can I.’ said the boxer who nearly defeated him in 1989. ‘ I’m going to give one more shot at playing Widow Twanky in the Wimbledon Theatre Panto.’

Charles sold his farm to Waitrose last year, so he could spend more time with his family expectations. The farm, known as ‘Cornwall’, was taking up a lot of his time, and didn’t offer much opportunity for bigotry aside from shooting at caravans.

Charles is currently at the stage of ‘disgruntled gardener’ as he slowly develops more deep-rooted prejudices. There have been some unexpected costs: £30,000 was spent shipping in Tory Ministers, so he could demand the demolition of ugly, neighbouring sheds. The Prince spends £50,000 a year controlling Hewitt Blight on his youngest sappling, and £150 has been spent posting wasps to Tony Blair.

Royal aides are sure the prince will soon be ready for the next step towards his destiny. As Royal Abusive Knight of the Order of the Window Box, the prince will practice gently waving in the breeze from a sunny balcony, while belittling strangers below. Once he establishes himself, he’ll be re-potted into a fully bigoted position.

Charles is showing some promise: he has demanded that French beans are washed properly, and asked some Swiss Chard for a cuckoo clock and pointy chocolate. But crucially, Charles missed an open door when presented with a punnet of German bean sprouts.

Prince Philip fears that his son lacks bite, and is insisting on a crash course in stereotyping foreign dignitaries. But he is optimistic: ‘we’ll soon have jug-ears up to the standards that Stamp-face demands, then he can take up the reins. He ought to be good with those: have you seen his wife?’

‘Many of the people buying these T-shirts simply don’t know any better and it’s right that we try to help them,’ said a government spokesman. ‘Focusing on basic history and the concept of irony, the course will address the key thinking deficits that inspired this inexplicable purchase.’

Those buying Guevara T-shirts will be required to attend a course where participants will be streamed according to their level of ignorance. ‘Sadly there are some who assume that Guevara was an ethnic-looking rock singer from before their time,’ continued the spokesman. ‘They have the furthest to travel, and we’ll ease them in gently with introductory modules such as ‘Communism for beginners’ and ‘Who was that beardy guy anyway?’’

For the marginally more informed who bought the garment to show solidarity with socialist causes, the course will principally focus on developing a proper sense of irony. Exercises will include group discussions on topics such as ‘If Guevara was still alive, what would he think about his image being commodified on a sweat-shop produced T-shirt?’ and ‘The importance of dressing well while planning for collectivist agrarian reform’.

‘Finally,’ added the spokesman, ‘those who claim to wear a Guevara T-shirt as a postmodernist statement will be spared the training course and will instead be set upon by a group of hunger-crazed militant Marxists before being ordered to sign the Pretentious Smartarse Register for the next ten years.’

But the government accepts that even after extensive training some buyers of Guevara T-shirts may still not get it. ‘Irony is a difficult thing to grasp. So those still none-the-wiser will be subject to the same fate as befell Cuban political dissidents at the hands of Guevara, and will be summarily executed by firing squad. That should help them understand.’

Corrigan