NewsBiscuit

Katie Price and Martine McCutcheon today led a star-studded protest against a move their ghost writers described as ‘insidious and sinister’: the launch of a new novel by a completely artificial celebrity.

The novel, ‘Daddy don’t hurt little princess happy ever after’, combines three best selling genres of child abuse, memoir and romance and is expected to dominate the Christmas best seller lists. The book is remarkable in that it required no input from an expensive celebrity at all but was computer generated and then edited by a team of self employed journalists, reducing costs considerably.

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It was the news campaigners had been dreaming of. Yesterday, the UN declared that Cell 23 on D Wing at HMP Wayland, where Lord Archer was imprisoned for nearly 18 months, to be a World Heritage Site. Accorded only to places of significant interest to people across the world, World Heritage status will mean that the historic cell can be preserved for future generations to see where ‘FF-8282′ began to write his seminal ‘A Prison Diary’. A blue plaque will also be placed on the nearby balcony where Archer sold cigarettes to Ronnie Kray.

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The spider involved in the Little Miss Muffet incident has spoken for the first time about what actually occurred between them. The nursery rhyme, which is well known around the world, apparently tells the story of an innocent girl who is frightened away by a spider. The reality is very different. ‘She is a lying cheating bitch,’ claims the spider, ’she was one of my girls, if you know what I mean, and she owes me money. I was only trying to recover what I am owed, and to get back some of my drugs. She wasn’t even eating curds and whey, who would eat whey? It is a disgusting by-product of cheese manufacture. No, she was about to snort a massive line of coke and when I appeared she ran to avoid paying me. Last I heard she was turning tricks in Manchester, but I’ll find her.’

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Following an outcry over the dropping of 63-year-old judge Arlene Phillips from hit Saturday night show Strictly Come Dancing, the BBC was forced to deny further accusations of sexist ageism after the announcement that TV comedy veteran Patricia Routledge is to be replaced in a remake of ‘Hetty Wainthropp Investigates’ by Melanie Slade, the 20-year-old girlfriend of England and Arsenal footballer Theo Walcott.

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Prince Charles has intervened over Divine plans for a New Heavenly City of Jerusalem, set to descend from Heaven to Earth at the end of human history, ushering in the earthly reign of God the Father over all mankind for eternity. The Prince has branded the architectural plans – first outlined in the Book of Revelation by St John the Divine – as ‘unsympathetic’, and ‘likely to destroy the period charm of the existing City’.

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