After the latest ruling under the new crowd-sourced sentencing system, Gwyneth Paltrow faces six months’ front line service in Afghanistan’s Helmand province for carelessly using an analogy that used war to describe the feeling of dehumanisation after receiving insults online.
Scientists working at Kensington Palace have announced the mating window of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge has closed after the pair failed to conceive, despite several romantic encounters in a specially constructed royal ‘love tunnel’.
The veteran presenter and professional cynic has quit BBC Two’s Newsnight amid rumours that he had been ‘pining like a dog on heat’ for the acerbic lothario, Russell Brand. Jeremy Paxman (63) has confessed privately to colleagues that since his fateful meeting with the comedian on 23 October 2013, he has been unable to ‘sleep’, ‘wash’ or ‘sneer effectively at Nick Clegg’.
Unbeknownst to most married men, their wives for years have only been ‘making an effort’ just on the off chance that heart-throb George Clooney would make ‘a booty call’. Even single ladies have ‘ceased to wash’ now that it has been revealed that Mr. Clooney is ‘off the market’.
Reports that he will wed his girlfriend, lawyer Amal Alamuddin, have resulted in women of all sexualities losing the motivation to ‘get out of bed’, remove their baggy comfort t-shirt or restrain from ‘farting in confined spaces’.