Further evidence has emerged of public health-care under-funding, as the NHS is failing to meet its target for killing off elderly racists. Doctors were forced apologise for the oversight and promised to do everything they could to give Jeremy Clarkson a dignified exit.
The suspension of Jeremy Clarkson from from the BBC has been met with protests involving displays of self-flagellation and ‘appropriate, before the watershed’ violence by many of his 300 million supporters.
In a disappointing start to the New Year, the illusionist and all-round mentalist has revealed that he was behind the most elaborate ruse to be performed upon UK TV viewers. Mr Brown explained that through a series mind games, he had convinced a sceptical public that Father Christmas was real, pigs could fly and that Ed Miliband was a plausible Leader of the Opposition.