British adventurer Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes has said he’s been left feeling ‘deflated and unfulfilled’ after being forced to call off a three-month nationwide expedition to find a can or bottle of Coca-Cola with his name on. Leading a two hundred-strong team of researchers and scientists, the intrepid explorer finally admitted defeat and abandoned the expedition, conceding that the closest his team came to reaching their goal was finding a bottle branded ‘Randolph’.
Lauren Silverman, whose own affair with Cowell ended when she discovered that he was seeing himself behind her back, claims the TV producer took himself on secret luxury holidays, ‘wined and dined himself’ in top London restaurants, and regularly booked himself into single rooms in 5-star hotels for one-in-a-bed romps. He then cruelly ended his relationship with Silverman by telling her ‘it’s not you, it’s me. Literally’.
Prince William has enlisted the services of gardening guru Alan Titchmarsh, with help from former chancellor Alistair Darling, in a desperate bid to induce the future monarch out of Kate Middleton’s womb by the magic of tedium.
J K Rowling, the creator of Harry Potter, is secretly the author of a thriller based on Conservative party funding, according to a national Sunday newspaper. The story in question, ‘Tory Lobbyist’, is an outrageous fiction where inept millionaires maintain their tax-free wealth by accepting endorsements, cash for questions, private directorships and after-dinner speaking.