In their pursuit to fill the vacancy left by Sunday’s X-Factor winner, Sam Bailey, HMP Gartree in Leicestershire has announced plans to scrap its traditional hiring policies and instead host the UK’s first ever ‘Screw Factor’.
Bosses at the Category B men’s prison have said they were inspired to adopt the more modern and glitzy approach after watching their former employee hit the big time on ITV.
The Royal Family have said they can ‘finally rest easy’ today, after a judge officially granted them a Restraining Order against Royal-super fan and now confirmed stalker, Jennie Bond. The legal injunction, which prevents the 63-year-old from being within three-miles of any Royal residence, has been enforced ‘with immediate effect’, and will ensure that Bond will no longer be able to attend any Royal occasions under the guise of a BBC correspondent.
Retailers have announced their Christmas sales predictions today, revealing that Princess Anne has a ‘strong chance’ of reaching the festive top spot for December book sales with the launch of her debut cookbook, ‘Horses for Courses’. Said to be the first of its kind, readers will be treated to wide array of equine offerings, from ‘honey-glazed hoof’ to ‘quick and easy tongue sandwiches, straight from the horse’s mouth’.
This action has been prompted by fears that overexposure to the award winning ‘actor’ may counteract the festive goodwill generated by the John Lewis advert, the sacking of John McCririck and closure of Michael Gove’s mouth for two weeks.