Retailers have announced their Christmas sales predictions today, revealing that Princess Anne has a ‘strong chance’ of reaching the festive top spot for December book sales with the launch of her debut cookbook, ‘Horses for Courses’. Said to be the first of its kind, readers will be treated to wide array of equine offerings, from ‘honey-glazed hoof’ to ‘quick and easy tongue sandwiches, straight from the horse’s mouth’.
This action has been prompted by fears that overexposure to the award winning ‘actor’ may counteract the festive goodwill generated by the John Lewis advert, the sacking of John McCririck and closure of Michael Gove’s mouth for two weeks.
Once the high priestess of fashion, a tired-looking Barbie Doll was pictured emerging from her ‘Barbie Glam Convertible’ with a face ‘like a slapped arse’, wearing no obvious make-up, a mismatched, baggy outfit, and appearing, to one onlooker, ‘rather porky.’
‘This is the largest retail collapse in the entire history of the Universe,’ said BBC Business Editor Robert Peston, ‘and nobody saw it coming.’
The controversy surrounding the freedom of the press took another sinister turn this morning after a tabloid article suggested that the popularity of yet another much-loved celebrity might have been misplaced, and urged the public to take another good, hard look at his dad.