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Royal baby; Dad now giving too much information

It's a struggle-wuggle-wuggle, yesh it isss...Prince William proudly showed off his son to reporters again this morning, adding that he had watched the baby having his nappy changed and quipped that the young lad ‘certainly has a very healthy and active digestive system!’

Assembled journalists laughed at the nappy-changing reference, and reported that it showed that the second in line to the throne was just like any other new dad, getting to grips with being a father and adjusting to the very earthy nature of birth and babies.

‘Yes, this morning was a real hummer!’ the Prince added, wafting his hand in front of his nose. More laughter followed before the prince continued in more detail about his new son and the future George VII.

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Fiennes abandons expedition to find can of Coke with his name on

not the real thing, just a dreamBritish adventurer Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes has said he’s been left feeling ‘deflated and unfulfilled’ after being forced to call off a three-month nationwide expedition to find a can or bottle of Coca-Cola with his name on. Leading a two hundred-strong team of researchers and scientists, the intrepid explorer finally admitted defeat and abandoned the expedition, conceding that the closest his team came to reaching their goal was finding a bottle branded ‘Randolph’.

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Simon Cowell admits to life-long affair with himself

Shamed X-Factor chief Simon Cowell was left facing difficult questions today after details of his sordid affair with himself were revealed by his former lover.

Lauren Silverman, whose own affair with Cowell ended when she discovered that he was seeing himself behind her back, claims the TV producer took himself on secret luxury holidays, ‘wined and dined himself’ in top London restaurants, and regularly booked himself into single rooms in 5-star hotels for one-in-a-bed romps. He then cruelly ended his relationship with Silverman by telling her ‘it’s not you, it’s me. Literally’.

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Alan Titchmarsh and Alistair Darling rushed in to ‘bore the Royal baby out’

don't get him started on the fecundity of naturePrince William has enlisted the services of gardening guru Alan Titchmarsh, with help from former chancellor Alistair Darling, in a desperate bid to induce the future monarch out of Kate Middleton’s womb by the magic of tedium.

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J K Rowling behind acclaimed fictional thriller: ‘Tory Lobbyist’

busy collecting horcruxesJ K Rowling, the creator of Harry Potter, is secretly the author of a thriller based on Conservative party funding, according to a national Sunday newspaper. The story in question, ‘Tory Lobbyist’, is an outrageous fiction where inept millionaires maintain their tax-free wealth by accepting endorsements, cash for questions, private directorships and after-dinner speaking.

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