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Leicestershire prison to find Sam Bailey replacement, X-Factor-style

has served her timeIn their pursuit to fill the vacancy left by Sunday’s X-Factor winner, Sam Bailey, HMP Gartree in Leicestershire has announced plans to scrap its traditional hiring policies and instead host the UK’s first ever ‘Screw Factor’.

Bosses at the Category B men’s prison have said they were inspired to adopt the more modern and glitzy approach after watching their former employee hit the big time on ITV.

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Princess Anne’s ‘Horses for Courses’ cookbook tipped for Christmas top spot

most revolutionary culinary tome since reintroduction of scotch eggsRetailers have announced their Christmas sales predictions today, revealing that Princess Anne has a ‘strong chance’ of reaching the festive top spot for December book sales with the launch of her debut cookbook, ‘Horses for Courses’. Said to be the first of its kind, readers will be treated to wide array of equine offerings, from ‘honey-glazed hoof’ to ‘quick and easy tongue sandwiches, straight from the horse’s mouth’.

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James Corden asked to fake his own death

Corden's character 'Smithy' could surely persuade him to do itWhile confusion still surrounds the demise of Andy Kaufman, the British public have united behind a plan to banish James Kimberley Corden from screen and stage.

This action has been prompted by fears that overexposure to the award winning ‘actor’ may counteract the festive goodwill generated by the John Lewis advert, the sacking of John McCririck and closure of Michael Gove’s mouth for two weeks.

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Barbie doll snapped on night out wearing no makeup and looking ‘porky’

Ken's leftFormer glamour role model Barbie has been slammed for her slovenly appearance as photographs of her ‘after a rough night’ were published by Heat magazine.

Once the high priestess of fashion, a tired-looking Barbie Doll was pictured emerging from her ‘Barbie Glam Convertible’ with a face ‘like a slapped arse’, wearing no obvious make-up, a mismatched, baggy outfit, and appearing, to one onlooker, ‘rather porky.’

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Cosmic Ordering Service goes into liquidation

No deal.In a shock announcement, the largest wish-list provider in the cosmos has been declared bankrupt, leaving many millions of customers unlikely to ever receive their orders.

‘This is the largest retail collapse in the entire history of the Universe,’ said BBC Business Editor Robert Peston, ‘and nobody saw it coming.’

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