The veteran presenter and professional cynic has quit BBC Two’s Newsnight amid rumours that he had been ‘pining like a dog on heat’ for the acerbic lothario, Russell Brand. Jeremy Paxman (63) has confessed privately to colleagues that since his fateful meeting with the comedian on 23 October 2013, he has been unable to ‘sleep’, ‘wash’ or ‘sneer effectively at Nick Clegg’.
Unbeknownst to most married men, their wives for years have only been ‘making an effort’ just on the off chance that heart-throb George Clooney would make ‘a booty call’. Even single ladies have ‘ceased to wash’ now that it has been revealed that Mr. Clooney is ‘off the market’.
Reports that he will wed his girlfriend, lawyer Amal Alamuddin, have resulted in women of all sexualities losing the motivation to ‘get out of bed’, remove their baggy comfort t-shirt or restrain from ‘farting in confined spaces’.
Bosses at the BBC have confirmed plans for a new Forsyth to be built in Salford. It is thought the new Forsyth will feature newer dance moves and more sophisticated anecdotes about Sammy Davis Junior, while retaining it’s iconic shape. The original Forsyth was a much-loved part of viewers’ lives over the years, with its eccentric 1950′s design and rich history. Performers from the early days fondly recall it’s circular routines and stories which seemed to lead nowhere.
Sir Elton John is to marry himself in what is expected to be one of the most glittering ceremonies ever seen. The marriage has thus far been disallowed on the basis that he is the same sex as himself, though a change in the law means the Rocket Man singer can now fulfil his lifetime’s ambition.