Sir Elton John is to marry himself in what is expected to be one of the most glittering ceremonies ever seen. The marriage has thus far been disallowed on the basis that he is the same sex as himself, though a change in the law means the Rocket Man singer can now fulfil his lifetime’s ambition.
In a surprise move yesterday, Max Clifford’s penis, Justin, dropped his anonymity to come forward at the hearing of 11 charges of indecent assault. Clifford has pleaded ‘not guilty’, and had since claimed his penis is ‘too small’ to cause trouble.
As another celebrity marriage ‘bites the dust’, hundreds of schools were disrupted by industrial action this Wednesday. While the erosion of working conditions and pay may have demoralized educationalists, it is the thought of the ‘golden couple’ no longer being together that has really galvanized the National Union of Teachers (NUT).
In their pursuit to fill the vacancy left by Sunday’s X-Factor winner, Sam Bailey, HMP Gartree in Leicestershire has announced plans to scrap its traditional hiring policies and instead host the UK’s first ever ‘Screw Factor’.
Bosses at the Category B men’s prison have said they were inspired to adopt the more modern and glitzy approach after watching their former employee hit the big time on ITV.