‘I can’t take all the credit,’ said Mydil. ‘Top marks, or at least E grades, go to the staff and pupils, whose lack of wilful disruption on the day of the visit was worthy of praise, or at least absence of condemnation. The school has been firmly rooted in the bottom ‘inadequate’ band for years, but satisfactory puts us just outside the top 65 percent. The floor’s the limit.’

The report singled out ‘variable’ standards of teaching and ‘low-level’ task setting as worthy of comment, such an improvement on the previous ‘woeful’ and ‘non-existent’ that the school’s governors were moved to hang a banner from the school fence saying, ‘OFSTEAD SAY WERE SATISFACTORY’, bits of which were still there the next day. This was followed by an entirely uncritical piece in the influential local newspaper, the Middlesbrough Sun. Within days, applications from pushy, or at least not completely nihilistic, parents started to trickle in.

‘Some people say you should aim higher,’ said one mother, ‘but satisfactory’s good enough for me. If everything in my life were satisfactory I’d have no complaints.’ But not everyone is so enthusiastic. Another mum who noticed her kids developing airs and graces has threatened to withdraw them from the school. ‘Satisfactory gives kids unrealistic expectations and fails to prepare them for the realities of life. They were born inadequate and if their upbringing has anything to do with it they will die inadequate.’

Defending the school’s new motto, ‘Satisfaction guaranteed’, Mydil rejected accusations that satisfactory performance fell short of providing satisfaction. ‘When you listen to that seminal 1965 Stones hit, Mick Jagger clearly had no difficulty achieving a good outstanding; it was satisfaction he really craved…Or maybe it was ‘no satisfaction’ he was really after if you take it literally. Yes, I’m changing our motto to ‘No satisfaction guaranteed’. That should keep everyone happy, or at least not completely miserable.’

‘We wanted to produce a nativity that today’s parents and children could relate to,’ said Neil Thomas, headteacher at St Stephen’s primary school. ‘However, in hindsight we lost a lot of the drama the moment Mary and Joseph realised they could just submit their tax return online. After that most of the action took place in the couple’s front room as they sat at their laptops and updated their Facebook statuses. Still, everyone loved the Moira Stewart character, and her ‘tax doesn’t have to be taxing’ line really stole the show.’

Observers noted that the only dramatic tension in the play occurred when Mary and Joseph briefly had trouble registering with the Inland Revenue website after their broadband connection kept cutting out. ‘For a while it looked as if they would actually have to make the journey to the tax office,’ said one parent, ‘but when they started looking into accommodation and were told there was no room at the Premier Inn, Joseph simply did a quick web search for the nearest Travelodge. There was even some talk of them travelling by donkey, but Mary wouldn’t hear of it and booked a car online with Hertz using her smartphone.’

Later, after the birth of baby Jesus, instead of being visited by three wise men Mary and Joseph were doorstepped by three paparazzi who were guided to the newborn infant’s home not by a star, but by hacking into his parents’ voicemail. News of the birth was then publicised through a combination of intrusive tabloid sleaze stories and Tweets trending with the hashtags #virginbirth, #hotpregnanttaxpayers, and #iamthechosenone. The scriptwriters were careful, though, to prevent any opportunity for Joseph to Google the phrase ‘Virgin pregnant wife riding an ass’.

But despite the mixed reaction for the play, teachers and parents alike agreed that the birth scene was a success. ‘We were particularly proud of our updated concept of the manger,’ said the headteacher. ‘Having carefully considered modern alternatives to an inadequate, under-resourced facility with no competent medical staff to hand, we set the birth scene in a present-day NHS maternity ward.’

The couple had the idea after seeing the cheap deals available as many students chose to abandon planned gap years in favour of going to University before next year’s fee increases.

‘We scrimped and saved to buy that boy the best education possible and this is how he rewards us,’ said his father, John, 47, from the family home in Canterbury. ‘It was bad enough James missing out on both his choices, but what really hurt was receiving an offer through clearing from London Metropolitan University.’

Arguments about their son’s progress had brought John and his wife Linda close to divorce but this opportunity has reunited them. John will take voluntary redundancy and some undeclared stock from his job at the doomed Pfizer site in Sandwich, while Linda will quit her job in riot control at a Ramsgate secondary school. The number of Facebook party invitations has fallen considerably.

Having let out their house for a year, the couple say they intend to do every continent, try anything at least once and just chill generally, but tour company operators fear the worst. ‘We normally get away with awful facilities, some ladyboys and a bit of bungee jumping,’ said a representative. ‘We know sod all about the actual countries themselves, but this lot are checking Trip Advisor, insisting on edible food and expecting a detailed itinerary.

‘The kids don’t even wake up on the on the overland trip to Gibraltar to get to Africa, never mind drink, but their parents are demanding to take in Champagne, Burgundy and Bordeaux at no extra cost before we even leave France. They wanted Tours as well, but it’s obvious that they’d be too pissed and too busy trying to cop off with each other to even bother looking round.’

St Usshers Junior Mixed Infants is being heralded as the world’s first truly Creationist school, miraculously emerging out of the dust in what is believed to be the first recorded example of educational genesis.

‘I was as surprised as anyone to find myself here,’ said newly created headmaster, Dr William Jennings Bryan. ‘We haven’t seen anything quite like this since the beginning of the Earth in 4004 BC.’

Dr Bryan ran through the St Usshers curriculum. ‘Today the kids have Intelligent Design and Technology in which they have to devise and build their own ark. Then, this afternoon, it’s double pseudoscience followed by flat earth geography.’

The arrival of the school has been welcomed by Education Secretary Michael Gove. ‘St Usshers has set a magnificent example in appearing fully formed out of nowhere and at no cost to the taxpayer,’ he said. ‘This is just the kind of ‘free school’ I want to see more of. And what’s more, the teachers never threaten to go on strike.

‘Of course I realise that some people are uncomfortable with religious schools but surely it’s worth putting up with a few extra bible classes in return for this gift from God.’

However, Hampshire County Council has already raised concerns about St Usshers. ‘It’s all very well getting a shiny new school,’ said councillor Jeremy Spigot, ‘but at no stage did anyone run this past us. I don’t care if it is all part of God’s grand design. He should have sought planning permission first.’

Meanwhile, St Usshers is facing a bullying problem from neighbouring school St Dawkins. ‘The boys from St Dawkins are an absolute nightmare,’ said Dr Bryan. ‘Only last week some of them came by and deliberately threw fossils into our playground, shouting ‘Explain that!’ before running off giggling.’

Local parents remain sceptical after a recent Ofsted report revealed that everyone attending St Usshers was an idiot. ‘I admit we don’t have the brightest pupils,’ said Dr Bryan, ‘but that’s hardly surprising since we don’t believe in selection.’

‘Many believe that feral children are on the increase, but this simply isn’t so’, said Gove, sporting a Safari jacket and mortar board. ‘The feral child is easy prey for daytime TV and papers like the Mail and Express. Numbers have been dwindling for some time now.’

The new ‘zools’ will feature viewing platforms, and members of the public will be able to feed the children for a small fee. ‘We’ve got a nutritionist to maintain their unbalanced diet, and to help them open their microwave burgers’, Gove explained. ‘Obviously, we’ll only allow the public to feed the more gentle ‘mongs’ and ‘bennys’, the properly deranged examples will be kept in these special glass cages’.

At first glance, the glass cages would appear to have plenty of air holes, but this isn’t the case. ‘They’re just big enough for a broom handle’, demonstrated the Minister. ‘The public love poking a mental with sticks. Look! That one’s chewing the end!. A tazer pit is currently under construction, for demonstrating the more violent neds and chavs.’

Gove outlined plans for a string of Comprehensive safari parks to be attached to the new attractions, where people could observe packs of wild pre-teens in a ‘natural’ environment. ‘We’re including objects that will help to keep them active: bus shelters for them to smash up, artificial newsagents for them to shop-lift from. The only obstacle is the safety of the public: it would appear they can key a car with amazing precision, and if anyone breaks down, their radio will be out and the tyres chewed within seconds’.

Ministers hope to be able to breed from the specimens once they reach full immaturity, at around 14. ‘We can then release them back into the wild. Or use them as cannon fodder: depends how it’s going in Libya at the time’, said Gove.

But Mills and Boon, better known for the world of budget romance, is insisting it will not compromise its distinctive editorial style for this new venture. ‘We’ll be using the same tone and language we always have, confirmed rugged spokesman Jake Goodheart, wiping a bead of perspiration from his chiseled jaw as he dismounted his stallion. ‘We’re not about to change a formula that has made us untold millions over the years. And I want to take you in my arms and kiss you until the world stops turning – and I don’t care what your father thinks about it.’

Unfortunately, early reviews are showing that far from being informative, the works are only confusing their audience. ‘My mum told me that when a man and a woman love each other very much, they have a special cuddle and make a baby,’ explained the young son of the Observer’s Science Editor. ‘So why is “the handsome gardener” putting his “turgid manhood” into the lady of the manor’s “delicate flower”. Is it some kind of trowel?’

The company’s spokesman remained adamant that Mills and Boon were best placed to educate the next generation about the blissful rapture of ecstatic physical union. ‘Everyone knows that Mills and Boon have long been the unofficial sextbooks for horny adolescents. And Moroccan princesses determined to escape the tyranny of an arranged marriage to feel bodily fulfilment like they’ve never known before with a humble plumber,’ insisted Goodheart, as he adjusted the rising mound of passion in his britches.

‘Anyway, it can’t be worse than last year when we tried to publish a sex manual in the style of ‘Lord of the Rings’ – we’re still getting complaints from people scarred by the thought of the hero ‘sinking his mighty dagger into her bubbling love pool.’ And with hindsight, writing a sex manual for men who like to dress as Hobbits was always a daft proposition. Those losers are far more likely to caress their own steely length until they spill their love juice in front of the Xbox.’

In an angry confrontation outside the 1,100-pupil school John Bibby, representing the Darwen Borough Council in Blackburn, berated the striking staff. ‘You’re achieving nothing with this attitude,’ he told the teachers, some of whom were visibly chewing gum, ‘We can stay here all day if necessary. It’s your own time you’re wasting.’

The teachers were also warned that by maintaining this strike they were not only letting Bibby down, they were letting the school down, and they were letting themselves down. Representatives from the National Union of Teachers were then made to sit at the front of the picket line so that they could be ‘kept an eye on.’

The striking protestors reacted with fury to the authorities’ hardline stance, with many warning that they were on the verge of calling ChildLine. ‘That Mr Bibby is well out of order,’ said Geography teacher and NUT spokesperson Deborah Holbrook. ‘If I tell my dad what he’s been doing he’ll come down here and beat him up in front of everyone. No lie.’

In an effort to break the deadlock, a group of the protestors finally agreed to hold a special meeting and were sent to sit outside the office of the headmistress Hilary Torpey. And despite a heated ongoing debate, there are clear signs that progress is being made — agreement was reached on providing better protection against rowdy classroom behaviour after ten minutes of constant humming from the NUT members, and headway is being made on cyber-bullying.

‘Ol’ Torpey has already been made to cry and the footage of her storming out of the meeting in tears has got a million hits on YouTube,’ claimed Holbrook, ‘Check it out – it’s ace!’