A team of volunteers from Toni and Guys were forced to stand down at the last minute as an injunction preventing the beautification of the beard arrived with just seconds to spare. Bill’s facial hair had already been designated as an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty (AONB) by the Countryside Agency back in 2004 and it is now hoped UNESCO will step in to include Bill’s distinctive haircut on the World Heritage list.

‘Bill meets seven out of the ten criteria needed to qualify for inclusion on next year’s list. We’re just waiting to see if Bill is subject to potential earthquake damage or tidal erosion before we make a final decision but things are looking good so far’ said a spokesperson from UNESCO.

If Bill is successful, we could see him rubbing shoulders with such iconic landmarks as the Great Wall of China, the Sydney Opera House and Charlie Dimmock’s breasts.

‘It’s certainly good news for birds and it’s good news for us twitchers too’ said one delighted RSPB member from a hide in the Forest of Dean ‘for years now, Bill has been directly under the flight path of thousands of migratory birds heading south for the winter. They use Bill’s unkempt beard for foraging, navigation or roosting overnight and in recent years it has become a haven for several endangered species. And because it has been severely neglected over the years it is now teeming with insects and small rodents, so important in the food chain.

Although Bill is often found covered from head to toe in faecal droppings and regurgitated fur balls the birds have seemingly adapted well to their new environment without it being too much of a problem for them.

Edward Hack

The little known country pursuit apparently dates back to the 13th century, when hungry peasants would thrust their arms deep into badger setts to retrieve tender young badger cubs for the table. Over the centuries the traditional of fisting badgers evolved from this seasonal hunt, and for many years in late March and early April, country folk have paraded through hamlet and village with live adult badgers impaled upon each arm, all the the while singing the traditional folk ballad ‘Oh brock, thy sphincter squeeze me so, but my true heart lies with Mary-o’.

Mary, portrayed by a golden-haired girl of 12 years is carried through the streets in a wicker cage of badger form. The celebrations continue throughout the day, with the climax at sunset, when the badgers are allowed to hobble back to their setts and families. Lilting voices carry the final strains of the traditional Badger Song across the air ‘Oh merry beast of twilit earth, who joy brings to our land e-oh, Go now in peace and joy and love, while I go wash my hand e-oh.’

DEFRA spokesman, James Prindle who confirmed that the ban will be strictly enforced, said that the tradition was barbaric and should have been stopped years ago. ‘These aren’t the Dark Ages. Why should innocent badgers be penetrated in this way? It’s not what a modern civilised people should be doing.

The Countryside Alliance has planned a rally in Hyde Park next week to protest against the blatant destruction of historic rural traditions. ‘Fisting badgers is part of the way of life in the English countryside’ said an angry Jethro Finnegan from Shropshire, ‘City folk have no understanding of rural ways. Next they’ll be saying we’re not allowed to fellate the otter.’

Over twenty adult males have been set free in the forests of Minnesota close to the Canadian border, where it is hoped that they can live in peace with one another. As the first pair of wrestlers cautiously emerged from the back of the secure transporter, excited commentators expressed amazement, then outrage, then more astonishment at this incredible turn of events.

Wrestlers are usually solitary in the wild; though do sometimes tag up with one another, often attracted by the distinctive lurex or lycra markings. They are unlikely to mate as years of testosterone and steroid use has rendered them many of them impotent. Another side affect is that they can suddenly become very angry for no apparent reason.

The WWF is hoping that the wrestlers can roam savannah and tundra without fear of referees or promoters, but admits that some of them may struggle in their new habitats; ‘Years of captivity have programmed them to dramatically throw off their cloaks, and throw bizarre kung fu type kicks at one another before their opponent has even climbed back through the ropes after attacking a member of the audience’ explained one WWF naturalist. ‘Patiently foraging for nuts and berries may seem rather dull and effeminate after that.’

Other naturalists have questioned the wisdom of releasing these creatures in close proximity to other endangered species. ‘The secret forest location is also home to the incredibly rare North American mountain caribou.’ said one forest ranger. ‘Those that have not had had their antlers ripped off have been found wearing spandax and squaring up to the wrestlers, threatening to pull off their mask to reveal their secret identity for once and for all. It’s incredible how animals adapt to survive.’

Virtualwill

‘These new rules are absolutely vital to protect our environment for our children and our children’s children’ explained EU Environment Commissioner Stavros Dimas. ‘Our projections show that landfill sites will soon be full of people who have appeared on a reality TV show once then been discarded, but there’s no reason at all that they can’t be recycled and used on another show. Action needs to be taken now.’

The regulations are the result of years of campaigning by protestors such as Greenpeace, and a spokesman for the group said ‘A man who’s appeared on Britain’s Got Talent can easily be recycled to appear on Location Location Location, then recycled again to take part in Come Dine With Me. This is much less of a drain on our dwindling Z-list celebrity resources, and leaves much less of a reality TV footprint.’ Experts have predicted that there could be no-one left in Britain who hasn’t appeared on TV as early as 2019 at current levels, and with crap new digital TV channels going live on a regular basis the saturation point could be even earlier.

Secretary of State for the Environment Hilary Benn confirmed that all councils will be expected to meet the new targets, and defended the UK’s record despite accusations that the country has been lagging behind its European neighbours in Z-lister recycling. ‘Many local councils are already introducing kerbside collections for reality TV stars’ he argued, ‘and I could give you countless examples of people appearing on shows such as The X Factor having been left in green bins outside their houses after appearing on Total Wipeout.’ He also tried to reassure the public that increased recycling won’t lead to increases in Council Tax or the TV Licence fee. ‘We are committing £100 million pounds to recycling schemes over the next five years’ he boasted, ‘and new facilities are already being funded to increase our recycling capacity, such as Endemol’s new £25m recycling plant (also known as a ’studio’).’

There will however also be stiff penalties for anyone caught trying to recycle real rubbish in a reality TV star recycling bin, such as anyone who’s appeared on Jeremy Kyle. ‘These people are of no use to any other TV programme’ said Mr Benn, ‘and they will just have to be disposed of as hygenically as possible.’

Until recently the park was a haven for outdoor sex enthusiasts – participants, spectators and amateur film-makers alike – according to local Black Country dogger ‘Mr X’. ‘Beacon Hill used to be such a lovely, secluded spot where you could have sex in the back of a Vauxhall Vectra with someone else’s wife, free from the unwanted attentions of ordinary members of the public.’

However this was all to change when the little-known park featured on a regional television program. ‘Imagine my horror when our private little oasis appeared on Dudley Days Out,’ claims Mr. X. ‘Soon you couldn’t move for walkers, picnickers and dogs. Have you ever tried to screw a complete stranger with an excited spaniel’s cold wet nose up your arse crack? It’s no fun I can tell you!’

Even the onset of autumn and the increasingly dark and dreary evenings, traditionally the optimum time for dogging, hasn’t put off these unwelcome intruders. ‘Who the hell has a picnic in October? Yet still they come; snotty nosed kids and dull parents with egg and cress sandwiches and bottles of Vimto; all going around minding their own business while you frantically try to put your trousers back on – it’s not right is it?’

To combat these unwelcome visitors, Mr. X is organising a ’stop raising the tone’ campaign to keep decent, law-abiding citizens away from the park. ‘We need to band together to protect our rights, so I’m asking every dogger, pervert and open-air fetishist to come forward and sign my petition. Once I have enough signatures I will present it to the Lady Mayor, whom I am on intimate terms with. At least I think it’s her – it’s difficult to tell in the interior light of a Range Rover.’

Technical advances in British solutions to the global energy crisis will be driven by the UK’s unique micro-climates, says Professor Tom Choularton of University of Manchester’s School of Earth, Atmospheric and Environmental Sciences.

He explained: ‘Drizzle, which occurs nowhere else in such natural abundance, gives us three ways to generate power. First, it is a relentless source of downwardly vertical hydro energy to drive small turbines.

‘At the same time, the spent drizzle provides a penetrating chill for heat-exchange units. Finally, the small amount of electricity that remains in drizzle droplets from the positively-charged source clouds is farmed and channelled into AA batteries that are then sold at car boot sales.

‘In Manchester, we are fitting lamp-posts and dozens of other outdoor freestanding structures with the tiny but complex drizzle power units that will keep our streets illuminated, day and night.

‘We will soon have enough gloom power for all the city’s street lights, with enough to spare to sell to other European cities that have no natural gloom, like Barcelona and Rome.’

In a parallel project based in the city centre, sonic capture is being used to see if sound waves from traffic noise and the population’s constant whining and bragging can be converted into another source of energy.

A trial of the sound abstraction system at a derby match between City and United at Old Trafford had to be abandoned after an announcement that both Liverpool and Arsenal were winning away caused a sonic power surge that blew all the floodlights.

The wasps had selected the perfect site for their picnic in one of the litter bins of the children’s paddling pool at Tooting Lido. ‘We had everything we needed for a lovely family meal; half empty coke tins, apple cores, abandoned ice creams, and the corpse of a dead squirrel that had been dumped in there earlier.’ But before long the wasps’ day out was disturbed by the constant harrassment from a human being and the Vespidae family soon disagreed on the best course of action for dealing with the unwelcome intruder. ‘All the blokes thought everyone should just stay still and it would leave us alone,’ explained a furious drone. ‘But the females couldn’t help themselves and kept flapping around every time it came near one of the kids. Of course that just made it angry. So then it started attacking us with a rolled up newspaper. It was really awful; the Daily Mail I think it was.’

The picnic was eventually disbanded in frustration after a second human flitted over and tried flicking at the wasps with a towel and arguing with the other human about whether a wasp dies when it’s stung you or not. ‘They are just such a nuisance,’ sighed the Queen. ‘But we’ll try to reschedule the party for later in the year. After all, if swine flu takes its natural course, they should all be dead by the winter.’

‘We plan these extravaganzas for months’ said a spokes-ant, ‘congregating in people’s back gardens and then bursting forth to astound our human friends with daredevil aerobatic stunts and the like. But every time it’s the same: our painstakingly choreographed formation flying is disrupted by people running around, waving their arms and shouting “Quick, get inside! Ooh they’re in my hair!”‘
Tired of this constant disruption, the national flying ant display team has decided that enough is enough. ‘Do they have any idea how much time and effort it takes to put on these air shows? Do they ever show any appreciation? No, they just act like headless aphids! Some of them even choke us with ant powder or pour boiling water onto our airstrips before we can even get off the ground!’

Effective as of today, all flying ant air shows are now cancelled, including the much-anticipated multi-species flying ant, swallow and swift three-day extravaganza, as insects up and down the country hang up their wings.

Conservation body Natural England has expressed its ‘dismay and regret’ at this announcement, and, until they can persuade the flying ants to once again take to the skies, is importing a swarm of South American killer bees as a stop-gap measure to keep the country entertained this summer.