‘The problem with previous attempts at carbon-neutral sea-life, such as the electric eel, has been that the battery-life hasn’t been very good, restricting the marine animal to just short journeys,’ said Chris Packham. ‘That’s stopped a lot of larger sea animals from investing in the technology, but the hybrid shark changes all that. It may not have a ‘zero carbon finprint’, as true electric fish have, but it is far more economical to run than a standard shark, meaning that when fully charged a hybrid shark would be able to travel up to 800km before needing to chomp on a surfer’s leg.’

Marine experts have questioned the need for fuel-efficient sharks, reasoning that increased carbon dioxide in the atmosphere and higher sea levels would not be in any way be detrimental to the life of the average sea predator. But shark advocates claim it is simply a matter of economics.

‘What with fishing quotas and the dramatic rise in the price of fish such as cod, running a shark has become a costly business. A beast like that always needs its tank refilling. But with advances in Lithium-ion based batteries, it makes perfect environmental sense to make the switch to renewable energy – providing, that is, that you only use pole-and-line-caught batteries and they carry the dolphin-friendly mark.’

However, critics of the technology, developed in partnership with Toyota, have complained about the new shark’s ‘boxy’ look, it’s relatively poor handling at high speeds and the low-pitched whirring noise made by the animal. ‘I’m all for greater fuel efficiency,’ said one, ‘but being able to hear it approach is going to completely spoil the surprise of a shark attack. It would have made the movie Jaws utterly unbelievable.’

“I thought it odd that my lawn still needed mowing in November”, confirmed Grantham. “Normally I can safely put the lawnmower away in October, just after we’ve pruned back the cat. But we’ve been collecting berries from our rabbits as late as last week, and I’m already digging up tortoises that are sprouting.”

Grantham is ashamed to go out in public with his face covered in pomaceous fruit, particularly as a lot of the apples have bad skin. “Some of the smaller apples are especially embarrassing”, admitted the moderately wealthy source of Vitamin C. “From below, they look a bit like dogs’ bottoms. The man at the garden centre said the stress of fruiting too early can cause health problems, he’s painted grease round my knees, to reduce the risk of canker.”

Grantham’s wife is trying to be supportive of her husband, but admitted she prefers a banana. “I enjoyed it when he was in blossom, the scent more or less made up for the bees and it’s nice having a husband who counts as one of my five a day. But I’m not completely sure he’s innocent in all this. My mum swears she caught him self-pollinating in the greenhouse, the dirty little sod.”

Fortunately, help is available for sufferers of male pippin boldness. “I’ve joined a support group where we can discuss our fears, work through our self-esteem issues and exchange recipes”, said Grantham. “Last week we went on a field trip together, it was liberating to stand in neat rows, sunning our coxes. The organiser didn’t even charge us, although he did let some Romanians give us a bit of a shake and pick up the fallers. He’s always wanted an orchard.”

Grantham hopes that he will eventually learn to adapt to warmer winters, and is receiving expert help. “There’s a range of treatments available. Some people have been wrapped in newspaper and stored in sheds until the Spring, or treated with a range of creams, poultices and custard”, explained the heavy cropper, but Grantham is trying something more radical. “Doctors are planning to repot me, so I only produce chest fruit in future. It’s too early to say if it’ll be successful, but I look forward to the day when I can hide these beauties away from prying scrumpers. The surgeon hopes he can bud this in the nips.”

‘February, unlike most other months, is known to drift over time and can be affected by a range of climactic and meteorological factors,’ explained the lead researcher. ‘While a traditional February usually oscillates between 28 and 29 days, it’s now known that during the last ice age Februaries of up to 34 days were not uncommon. We can only assume that a dramatic shortening of February is the direct result of man’s impact on the environment.’

However, the research findings have immediately been challenged by climate change sceptics who claim that leaked emails show the figures have been selectively chosen and that 2012 will almost certainly have the longest February of the decade so far.

‘February is following a natural rhythmic cycle and there is absolutely no evidence that carbon emissions have any impact on the length of this month,’ argued Elias Jones from the Exxon Institute for Climatic Chronology, based in Salt Lake City, Utah. ‘It’s absurd to suggest that a spot of man-made pollution could affect the time we have on this planet.’

‘This whole thing is just as much of a conspiracy as the arguments against creationism,’ continued Jones. ‘I don’t know what anyone finds so hard to follow. The Earth was created on 29 February in a Leap Year and so is only a quarter of the age that these Big Bang fanatics claim.’

‘For the first time, Crab 2.0 comes with the ability to move forwards and backwards rather than sideways,’ said the Almighty, speaking in a stentorian voice and wearing his trademark turtleneck halo. ‘In the old version you never knew if the crab was coming or going, so this is a considerable breakthrough for crustacean technology. However, we have had to compromise the design with a rear-view mirror so they can get used to new methods of navigation.’

God admitted that the DNA evolution software He had fitted to all living creatures at the beginning of creation had proved to be rather unreliable, so He had been forced to abandon other projects and stepped in to improve the design attributes of several creatures. But He refused to apologise for the delay in upgrading the crab.

‘It takes time to get these things right,’ He said. ‘We have to remember what happened to the unicorn. We rushed the release of the new version and, thanks to a glitch in the DNA programming, it evolved into the rhinoceros.’

As well as rolling out the new crab, God took the opportunity to launch improvements to several other products with a much welcomed fourth toe for the three-toed sloth, a more varied diet for the anteater and a software patch for the canine which improves its reproductive functions by stopping it shagging people’s legs. There were gasps from the assembled throng when He announced the breakdancing horse which He described as ‘perhaps the ultimate in equine development’.

God closed His address by warning that He would continue to be ruthless in protecting his design rights. ‘There are rumours that Serpent Enterprises are about to launch a Zebra in white with black stripes. This is no more than a minor cosmetic alteration from my original black with white stripes patent, so if they go ahead with this product they should be warned that they’re heading for a good smiting.’

The Gong of Fur (hat-tip to ianslat)

The startling announcement was made as protesters throughout the country campaigned against the cull, which was proposed to contain bovine TB. ‘Badgers are a beautiful part of our heritage, and should be treated with more respect’, claimed Hermione Phelps, an activist in Dorset. ‘We want ministers to look at all the options for saving them, including their domestication and intensive farming.’

Coupled with falling beef prices, many farmers are now considering culling their cows instead. ‘I never thought I’d be saying this, but I’d actually welcome a return of foot and mouth’, declared Peter Giles, a cattle farmer from Gloucestershire. ‘If I’m honest, I’ve always found cows a bit boring to look at. I’d love to switch to farming something more cuddly, that goes better with Marie Rose sauce.’

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is delighted by the badger’s reversal of fortune. ‘I first tried badger last week’, claims Hugh. ‘I accidentally took one out of my chest freezer that I just keep in there for show, when we’re filming. As I defrosted it in the microwave, the smell was intoxicating. It’s as if they’ve evolved to be served with risotto.’

DEFRA are sceptical of the findings however and have called for another enquiry. ‘Hugh showed us his new ‘River Cottage Badger Farm’, and I’m not convinced he’s telling the whole truth’, claimed Derek Martens, an inspector with the ministry. ‘He also made some pretty wild claims about badger milk being really moreish, perfectly clear and delicious with coke. But when we forced him to milk one in front of us, the udder came off in his hands. We’re pretty sure he’d just filled a rubber glove with vodka, and crudely attached it to the animal with duct tape. Although we did agree that the creature would make a nice handbag.’

For now, the badger has earned a reprieve, but DEFRA may reinstate the cull once their enquiry is complete. ‘Obviously this is an important issue for farmers, but we’ve got some more pressing matters to deal with first. I’m just on my way up to Scotland, to see if grey squirrels really do taste like donuts.’

The specimen, captured by a local farmer, has some major differences to its better known relative. It has been observed walking around the laboratory where tests have been carried out, instead of just lying at the side of the road bleeding while being eaten by birds, and is also around a foot higher. More significantly though, it has most of its organs on the inside, rather than distributed over a 2-metre radius.

Evolutionary scientists have long been baffled by the more common variety, struggling to understand how a species had developed to survive while having vital organs spread over three lanes of motorway. So little was known about them that Bill Oddie, a keen badger enthusiast and famous beard-wearer, once spent a week in a specially constructed hide on the hard shoulder of the M25, in order to try to gain an insight into the feeding and breeding habits of this fascinating creature in its natural habitat. But the only one he saw never even moved.

The research team responsible for confirming the new species’ status is now hoping to cross-breed the specimen with its distant cousin.

‘We’ve brought in one of the more common variety, on a shovel, and are hoping that the two will get on,’ said lead scientist Martin Burns. ‘We’re curious as to what a cross between them would turn out like, and are hoping that it would have at least two working legs, with lower liquification of the bones, and maybe be less smeary.’

‘We’re hoping that we can eventually get the numbers of the new breed up high enough to release them into the wild, near busy motorway junctions, as they’re a fair old size and should be almost as satisfying to run over as a fox.’

‘There is absolutely no place for this type of bigotry in the modern game,’ said Barry Jones, the FA’s new climate change guru and leading light in the zero-tolerance community. ‘We’ve come a long way since the days when it was considered acceptable for players and fans to joke about holes in the ozone layer and melting ice caps, but now we need to stamp it out for good.’

In recent years many football fans have reported their Saturday afternoons being blighted by an uneducated minority who pollute the stands with their anti-science chants. Global warming deniers have long taunted opposition fans with chants such as ‘You’re not singeing anymore’, and, in a reference to rising sea levels, ‘You only sing when you’re swimming’. Meanwhile West Country teams such as Yeovil Town, where there is a large wind turbine community, have been subject to abusive chants like ‘You can stick your fucking windmills up your arse’.

The FA’s campaign builds on research they conducted that found a clear link between the Holocaust, racism and scepticism towards claims by solar panel and wind turbine marketing managers. There are now fears that many of the top premier league players, who come from nations like Spain and Germany where photovoltaic technology is streets ahead of our own, could boycott English football in disgust.

‘At the end of the day these climate change deniers are all cowards,’ continued Jones. ‘They’re happy to dish it out, but if you ask one of them to back up their chants with empirical evidence, they soon back down. ‘I’m not a climate change denier,’ they’ll say. ‘Some of my best friends are leading research climatologists with an unshakeable belief in man-made climate change.’ Well, from now on they’ll be telling that to the judge.’

He added: ‘It’s no exaggeration to say that Britain could soon be flooded then burned to a crisp while everyone gets skin cancer. Is that what you want for our young footballers? Because that’s what will happen.’

ronseal (hat-tip to rickwestwell)

‘Goths are shy, retiring creatures that thrive best in gloomy autumnal weather,’ said Dr James Barnett of the University of Warwick. ‘Drought conditions aren’t an issue since they rarely wash, but they are poorly equipped to deal with high temperatures as they can’t take off their black jeans and duffel coats. Many also suffer with restricted vision as the heat causes their sweaty, greasy hair to form a lank immovable curtain they can’t see beyond.’

Britain’s Goth population, identifiable by its distinctive eye markings, peaked at around 90,000 in the 1970s, but since then has been driven out of urban habitats by more aggressive, faster-breeding species like Chavs. While some Goths are expected to hibernate until the weather gives everyone less to be cheerful about, there are fears that some could spontaneously combust in the summer sun leaving behind only a pair of smoking 18-hole Dr Martens.

Conservationists have now established a sanctuary in Whitby Abbey and are seeking to lure distressed Goths there by means of artificial darkness, playing Southern Death Cult records around the clock and a Tim Burton retrospective at the local Odeon.

But some believe the project is doomed to failure. ‘This is how evolution works, sadly,’ said Dr Richard Dawkins. ‘A species that cannot adapt to change and shows more interest in self-harming than in breeding is bound to die out. I keep telling people but no one seems to get it. Why doesn’t anyone understand me?’ he screamed, tearfully storming upstairs to play Bauhaus records and write poetry in his room.

Oxbridge (hat-tip to Basil_B)