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Friends of missing Luton family ‘dreading the Christmas newsletter’

Friends and relatives of the family who have joined Islamic State after disappearing in May, say they expect this year’s Christmas newsletter to ‘even more insufferably smug and tedious than usual, if that’s possible.’

The twelve-strong Mannan family from Luton have not been seen since they visited their home nation of Bangladesh earlier this year. Now those close to the Mannans fear the worst: a lengthy mass-mailed screed of anti-Western hatred, mixed with interminable details of their educational and career highlights over the last twelve months.

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God asked to move in less predictable ways

'I'm not in'God, the creator of the universe and leader of the Roman Catholic Church, was today asked by worshippers from a variety of faiths to add a dash of mystery to the manner in which he goes about governing the forces of nature, responding to the prayers of his followers and guiding his emissaries on Earth.

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Islamic State launches comparethejihad.com

at last, real choice in the Jihadi marketplaceIslamic state hopes to help jihadists “find a way of waging war against the infidel that’s right for you” by launching a jihad comparison website, it was confirmed today. “There’s a huge confusing market, particularly in afterlife care,” said a spokesman. “Al Shabab in the Maghreb has instant paradise on a kill-as-you-go deal, whereas Al Qaeda in the Yemen is offering unlimited virgins on a 24 month contract. How do you decide?”

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Militant Christian bakers capture Brighton, destroy historical gay sites

hundreds and thousands on the marchReports are coming in from the southern province of East Sussex that a fundamentalist force of Christian bakers, cake decorators and cream fillers have worked themselves up into an extreme state and seized control of Britain’s ancient gay capital, Brighton, vowing to destroy every remnant of it.

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Fresh evidence suggests that Jesus actually turned water into wine and chocolate

Chocolate: it's a bloody miracleArguments against the over-commercialisation of Easter were questioned today after it was revealed that Jesus, being able to do anything, had actually distributed chocolate as well as wine among his disciples in a previously unchronicled miracle.

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