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Church of England demand God’s right to prolong suffering

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has spoken out on behalf of the increasingly impotent God, on a difficult issue that has arisen from His regretful decision to give mankind free will, rather than just His own perfect will.

Fortunately for God, the Archbishop Welby has the kind of power and influence over the affairs of man that He could only dream of, as well as having a very fancy outfit with lots of gold bits, a massive hat and a crooked stick which shows just what a terrifically wise man he really is.

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Satanists slam doggers for hogging countryside quiet spots

A spokes-mage for one of the most reviled groups of Satanists in the UK, The Friends of Kazeekial, has publicly criticized outside sex fanciers.

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DIY worshippers demand closure of churches on Sunday

Worshippers of the gods of tinkering, pottering and fixing up have pledged to oppose moves to extend church opening times, and to defend Sundays as a ‘designated day for hardware-based activities.’

Rev Stephen ‘Bodger’ Davis of the Church of the Holy Dremmel, said: ‘Sunday are sacred to us. There’s plenty of time throughout the week to pray to Christ and sing hymns – no-one needs an extra half day. We accept that not everyone goes to the hardware store week in, week out, but we have to remember that this is still a DIY-worshipping nation. Unless our traditions are maintained, children will soon have no idea what decking was or why the Ground Force Trinity were so important.’

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Britain’s first multiplex church opens in Uxbridge

The Church of England has hit back in the fight against dwindling congregations with the grand opening of Britain’s first ever six-pulpit multiplex church. Situated in Uxbridge’s prestigious new Mullard Mills shopping complex, St. Peter’s, Paul’s & Mary’s Church officially opened its doors to worshippers this morning.

‘The opening of this hallowed edifice brings the Church kicking and screaming into the 21st century,’ said the vicar, Reverend Simon Charminster. ‘Why drag yourself out of bed on a Sunday morning to sit in a draughty old church when you can come here at any time of day to catch a wide range of masses, services and evensongs in super hi-def surround-sound?’

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Friends of missing Luton family ‘dreading the Christmas newsletter’

Friends and relatives of the family who have joined Islamic State after disappearing in May, say they expect this year’s Christmas newsletter to ‘even more insufferably smug and tedious than usual, if that’s possible.’

The twelve-strong Mannan family from Luton have not been seen since they visited their home nation of Bangladesh earlier this year. Now those close to the Mannans fear the worst: a lengthy mass-mailed screed of anti-Western hatred, mixed with interminable details of their educational and career highlights over the last twelve months.

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