Despite the word of God being ‘absolute’, senior retired members of the clergy are increasingly of the opinion that the gospel is less a set of rules but more of a ‘guideline stroke cryptic crossword’. Specifically, the previously opposed Assisted Dying Bill is receiving ringing endorsements from ex-Bishops who are coincidently ‘feeling under the weather’, en route to a care home and nearing the ‘episcopal glue factory’.
Baz Hassan, 37, owner of the Bearwood Booze off licence in Smethwick, has said he will not stop selling dangerous amounts of alcohol to atheists, agnostics and Christians, despite calls from leaders of the drinking community to respect cultural weaknesses of these vulnerable groups.
Although a non-drinker and vegetarian himself, Mr Hassan says he will continue to exploit unbelievers with heavily-promoted multibuy offers on strong lager, cheap vodka, sausage rolls and smoky bacon crisps. He certainly has no time for fellow Muslims who refuse to sell such products at all, who he accuses of exhibiting dangerous liberal tendencies.
Richard Dawkins has today admitted that his apparent belief in a bleak godless existence is all a lie founded on a fear of the afterlife. He says that people simply cannot accept that their eternal soul is going to live on indefinitely, even after their physical bodies rot.
Britain’s Pagan and Neo-Druidic communities have issued a joint statement finally apologising for the ‘unspeakable suffering and inconvenience’ caused by the building of Stonehenge in the second and third centuries BC.