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God to appear in a vision and warn cinemagoers to turn off their mobile phones

After the failure of the Christianity campaign to advertise in cinemas, the Lord thy God will appear in a vision in selected cinemas to promote blessed popcorn, 2 for 1 baptisms and holy Fanta.

At a Wardour Street the Almighty told media journalists ‘When the agency approached me I told them I was perfectly capable of appearing in Person in cinemas; without the aid of the projectionist or teams of expensive creatives in frankly ridiculous jackets

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‘Amen’ must be pronounced with ‘ah’ sound, tweets God

God has confirmed, via his official Twitter account, that with immediate effect only prayers ending with Amen pronounced correctly, with an ‘ah-’ at the start rather than an ‘ay-’ will actually count.’ I have become increasingly disturbed with the number of you who are using #amen without understanding how to pronounce it. #learntospeak #ayholes #amen,’ He tweeted.

This was picked up and retweeted over 300,000 times in 24 hours, with many people confused about exactly what God had meant and how He wanted it pronounced. But God cleared this up soon after by retweeting @harry_uk_croydon’s tweet: ‘RT @harry_uk_croydon: SHUT UP FUCKERS, it’s AH-MEN, AY-MEN is just FUCKING STUPID #amen #ayholes”, which God soon followed by posting: “New #commandment. If thou say ay-men thou will get DOUBLE THE CANCER. #ayholes #amen.’

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Gay Catholics to remain in cages until Pope Francis clarifies stance

Following last month’s three-week Synod, the Pope has still not provided a clear message on the future of Catholic homosexuals, thousands of whom remain locked up inside the Vatican. Conservative bishops continue to assert that God made Adam and Eve and not Adam and Sanjeev – a common Hindi boy’s name missing from the New Testament. A UN resolution to liberate the prisoners through a military invasion has been singlehandedly blocked by Russia, with critics alleging that Vladimir Putin has still not accepted Eurovision 2014 being won by a drag queen.

Pope Francis explained ‘My hands are tied. Each time I say something nice about the gays, a bishop warns me to pipe the fuck down. And the Lord has gone all quiet again, the spineless bastard. Sometimes I have complete doubt whether He even exists. I’ll probably get bollocked for saying that now.’

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Lamb of God ‘doesn’t want to take away the sins of the world’

Colin, a six-month-old Merino lamb at a farm in Norfolk who was recently named by the Almighty creator of Heaven and Earth as the latest in a series of beasts whose sacrifice will somehow blot out every awful thing humanity has done since the last time, has questioned the logic of the system. He has also joined with other ovines in calling for a review of the working relationship between the two species.

‘OK, so we’re not the brightest, I get that. Nine hours eating grass and eight hours ruminating every day doesn’t leave you a lot of time for abstract thought,’ said Colin, ‘but even I managed to work out what the role involves. No thanks. Find another dumb animal to symbolise things for a change. How about squirrels? They’re thick as pigshit.’

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Benjamin Netanyahu claims Holocaust Denial is now kosher

Despite Germany re-affirming their role in the Final Solution, Israel’s Prime Minister has decided that Palestinians were to blame for the WW2 genocide. Although Palestine is a mere 1040 kilometres from Berlin, Mr. Netanyahu is convinced that Adolf Hitler was led astray by the then Grand Mufti of Jerusalem; causing Mr. Hitler to put aside his love of Jewish culture, renowned tolerance  and a ‘promising’ career in water colours.

Although Haj Amin al-Husseini met Hitler after the Holocaust began, Mr. Netanyahu explained that Palestinians may have had time-travel capability – which is contrary to the Torah.

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