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The news before it happens…

GodBiscuit

72 virgins starting to nag and have needs

Marwan al-Shehhi, who flew United Airline Flight 175 into Two World Trade Centre on 9/11, has expressed his increasing discontent over the conduct of his 72 virgins in paradise. According to the Abu Dhabi-born terrorist, over 60 of his nubile harem are now complaining that he does not ‘give enough time to the relationship’.

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‘Is this cellulite in an ancient picture of Mary Magdalene?’ asks Daily Mail

princess last week, harlot this - house prices are going to suffer‘Close analysis of the picture shows that Mary Magdalene is displaying obvious signs of cellulite,’ wrote lifestyle analyst Liz Jones. ‘Worse still, her hair is all over the place. Ooh darling, that’s a fashion disaster. Call yourself an icon? You’ve let yourself go – you’re a disgrace to women everywhere.’

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Unlucky man has all his Christmases come at once

‘Shopping for 37 Christmases for all your friends and families is a nightmare,’ revealed Nito, who is still suffering the terrible mental side effects of concentrated exposure to months’ worth of novelty Christmas songs.

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Jesus loses in ‘Masterchef – The Deities’ final following disappointing ‘loaves and fishes’ dish

Fans of the BBC’s popular ‘Masterchef – The Deities’ series were left reeling last night as odds-on favourite Jesus Christ fell at the last hurdle, handing victory on a plate to rank outsider Buddha.

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Pope calls for glorious Cuban revolution

mugs readily availableThe Cubans have a new hero this morning who has given them a new direction, a new philosophy, and a new will to rise up against their political masters and proclaim their rights as individuals in a collective kind of way, as long as it’s OK with him.

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