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Newsbiscuit ‘not good enough’ to be attacked

Despite seven years of ill-considered wit, grammatical errors and excessive references to the Isle of Wight, Newsbiscuit.com has thoroughly failed to offend any terrorist organisation. While masked gunmen opened fire on French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, the wags of Newsbiscuit continue to churn out ‘half-arsed puns’ with impunity.

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Former school bullies actually doing quite well

Revenge fantasies have been dashed today after it was revealed that all those who bullied you at school now have pretty good lives, and are not begging on the street or trapped in dead-end jobs after all.

The new survey reveals that, despite their lack of formal qualifications from school, many have worked their way up and found highly aspirational careers using exactly those skills they gained pushing you around and laughing at your inadequacies.

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Michael Buerk files his first report from ‘I’m a Celebrity’ jungle

‘Dawn. And as the sun breaks through the piercing chill of night on the camp outside the producers’ hotel, it lights up the scene of a 1990s game show, now, in the 21st Century. This show, say the people here, is the closest thing to free publicity on earth.’

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Barry Hearn to spice up office jobs with entrance music and dancing girls

Who'd have thought something so dull could be made that interesting?A Bedford-based logistics company is working with renowned sports promoter Barry Hearn, in an attempt to make their office jobs more popular with the addition of loud music, rowdy live audiences and dancing girls.

The move was the idea of Managing Director Alan ‘The Big Boss’ Ball, who thinks Hearn’s track record of making a huge success of darts, and revolutionising snooker, makes him the ideal partner for his business.

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Loss Adjuster comes out of retirement for ‘one last job’

When Clive Barnes of Barnes & Snodgrass Loss Adjusters turned up unannounced at the Costa del Sol villa of his former colleague Trevor Clark his wife Angie knew what it meant.

‘Trevor promised me years ago that he’d given up the loss adjusting game for good but when Clive turned up I knew that he wouldn’t be able to resist one last job’ sobbed Angie. ‘Clive told him it was a big one – a bank on the King’s Road. It was fire and water damage he said, just like the old days. He wanted Trevor because he was experienced and he needed a cool head, not some cocky kid still wet behind the ears.’

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