NewsBiscuit

A middle-aged woman recently returned from a round-the-world voyage of discovery into herself has spoken of her immense disappointment at realising she really is in fact every bit as dull as she first thought. ‘For years I felt identified by my roles as a wife and a mother and felt my life was in a bit of a rut. So when my marriage ended and the kids left home, I decided to seize the opportunity to reconnect with myself by going on my travels and rediscover my exciting side,’ said Susan Austin, 53, who can’t pass for any younger even with lipstick. ‘Turns out, though, that I am just spectacularly uninteresting. And it doesn’t matter whether I’m swimming with dolphins in Bali or crapping up a mountain in Nepal. I’m just a thundering bore.’

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Matt Jones, a 38-year-old husband and father from Whitstable, found his sex life with his wife Hannah experienced a sudden crisis last weekend after a shock realisation of what had been going on when his own parents had always let him watch video tapes of cartoon shows and eat Coco Pops on the sofa while they stayed in bed on Sunday mornings.

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‘I realise now that I was acting like an idiotic one man kangaroo court, and would like to apologise to the bench,’ said Sheriff John Jenkins, after he admitted to locking up Vince Hilaire, for a minor offence, and throwing away the key.

Orignally, Jenkins tried to cliam the incident was a mistake, but investigators found an entry on a web forum, in which he told other Daily Mail readers. ‘If I had my way, I’d show no mercy to these bastards,’ he wrote, in a debate about the people who insert canned laughter into to so many of the BBC’s sit coms. ‘I would lock them up and throw away the key.’

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As knife amnesties, community projects and ASBOs severely limit the places in some of Britain’s best hoodie fraternities, parents are being driven to ever more extreme lengths to ensure their children are allocated a spot in the country’s finest criminal gangs.

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A grandmother from Chichester has taken the unprecedented step of speaking publically of the unqualified admiration she feels towards the manner in which her daughter has chosen to raise her children.

‘Sarah just does such a faultless job,’ said Mrs Fiona Blamire, proud grandmother to Tyler and Amali, names she admires for their modernity and individuality. ‘She’s firm but fair, loving but disciplined and I have absolutely no suggestions as to how she could improve her quite brilliant maternal prowess. If anything, she has caused me to reflect upon my own shortcomings as a parent, something we’ll be discussing in detail next time I babysit the kids.’

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