FeaturesBiscuit
Rusty, a three-year-old Yorkshire terrier from Esher, has confirmed that he is now completely convinced of his intrinsic moral decency.
The breakthrough came after his owner, Hannah Morrison, 43, had repeatedly assured him he was ‘a good boy, a good boy, a good good GOOD GOOD goooooood boy’.
31 year-old Patrick Clark became infuriated today by the extreme selfishness of his wife, Hannah, during the birth of their first child. He claimed that she was ‘totally self-absorbed’ and ‘unwilling to cooperate rationally’ throughout most of the high-intensity contractions.
Despite seven years of ill-considered wit, grammatical errors and excessive references to the Isle of Wight, Newsbiscuit.com has thoroughly failed to offend any terrorist organisation. While masked gunmen opened fire on French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, the wags of Newsbiscuit continue to churn out ‘half-arsed puns’ with impunity.
Revenge fantasies have been dashed today after it was revealed that all those who bullied you at school now have pretty good lives, and are not begging on the street or trapped in dead-end jobs after all.
The new survey reveals that, despite their lack of formal qualifications from school, many have worked their way up and found highly aspirational careers using exactly those skills they gained pushing you around and laughing at your inadequacies.
‘Dawn. And as the sun breaks through the piercing chill of night on the camp outside the producers’ hotel, it lights up the scene of a 1990s game show, now, in the 21st Century. This show, say the people here, is the closest thing to free publicity on earth.’
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