NewsBiscuit

The importance of the Allies breaking the famous Enigma code in the Second World War is being revisited following claims that most of the messages sent using the top secret code were in fact teenage style text messages saying how bored the German security personnel were and whether the girl on the front desk fancied them.

Historian Antony Beevor who has had thousands of messages deciphered says he was shocked that after a decade of intense Nazi propaganda that most of the Wehrmarcht’s obsessions seem to be about sending each other silly jokes and insignificant trivia. For example Nikolaus von Falkenhorst- Commander of German ground forces during Operation Weserübung sent a message in 1940 regarding fraternisation with the Danish nationals after the occupation of Copenhagen; ‘OMG UR SOL wiv her coz she iz wll fit ttyl :)’ This received the official reply from the officer in the field ‘stfu m8 UR a vrgn pmsl :D’

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A gap year student who left home to gain experience and develop initiative has been found at Gatwick North Terminal ten months after he set off to see the world.

Bryn Goodyear, nicknamed ‘Buzz Gapyear’ by his sceptical friends has been reunited with his family in Reading today after leaving home last August. He had been told by his parents that they would help him with planning and financing a gap year if he would first get a job and come up with a few suggestions, but in response to such intense pressure he left home and took the National Express coach to Gatwick. Having spent all his money he took a cleaning job, but with the cost of his lodgings and going out with the lads in Crawley every weekend, he never saved enough for his trip.

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‘For a long time the practice of wrapping one’s offspring in cotton wool has had a bad reputation, with many believing it to be in some way damaging to the children,’ explained Brian Thigh, Professor of Medicine at the University of Hull. ‘However, recent tests have shown that the opposite is true.’

‘In a rigorous series of experiments, we have dropped children from heights, shot them from cannons and allowed anvils to fall on them, and we can now say without doubt that the subjects wrapped in cotton wool fared far better than a control group without such wrapping.’

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A man from Oxfordshire has been shunned by work colleagues after giving a lengthy answer to the simple question about how his day was going. Jack Roberts had just made a cup of coffee when he passed a colleague in the corridor who politely enquired, ‘How are you?’ Roberts proceeded to tell the colleague that actually he was not that good, was stressed with his workload and also had some problems at home with erectile dysfunction. ‘He just looked a bit stunned and then walked off,’ said Roberts.

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Two previously thought insoluble mysteries were solved this week when Lord Lucan was found alive by Jeff Briggs and Alan Winton, two male catalogue models who spotted the peer crouching disconsolately by his makeshift shelter in a Dorset field, half a mile outside the cottage where they were doing a photo shoot for hard-wearing yet stylish underwear.

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