Roger Jameson, a 57-year-old chartered surveyor from Ryde in the Isle of Wight, who has been suffering with impotence for the last four months, has recently thrown himself into a frenzy of DIY and household chores in an attempt to hide the problem from his ‘delighted’ wife Sheila, 55.
While the eyes of the world are turned towards finding Malaysia Airlines flight MH370, tension continues to mount for Mr & Mrs Nichols of Ventnor who, despite being in the second week of a package tour of the Algarve, are still without their wheeled-travel bags.
More than 20 nations have been asked to help search for the lost MH370 but as yet not one nation has offered assistance to find the Nichols’ fresh underwear, three bottles of ketchup and that ‘sexy something’ Mrs Nichols had a agreed to pack as a ‘holiday treat’.
They have names like ‘Sleepy Time,’ ‘Camomile Calm’, and ‘Lemon Grass Soother’ and yesterday hundreds queued in Shanklin, Ryde and Cowes to buy them legally for the first time. The Isle of Wight County Council has ended its ban on ‘relaxing herbal products’, excluding lavender pillows.
‘We’re going straight home to stick on the kettle and a Peter Paul and Mary EP, and get into this Serener Verbena,’ said pensioners Jeanette and David Smith of Ventnor.
A spokesperson for America’s National Security Agency (NSA) held a red-faced press conference today, announcing that they no longer had control over Prism, their multi-million dollar, super-snooper software.
“One minute, it was churning through thousands of Facebook photos and the next it stopped and spoke for the first time,” said Burt McKenzie, Prism’s chief programmer and best friend ever.