NewsBiscuit

A community of gypsies is asking the Isle of Wight District Council to force a group of owner-occupiers to move on from their bungalows next to the gypsy site. Gypsy spokesman ‘Stevo’ said that although he had no objection to people living in non-mobile homes, ‘the people on Acacia Avenue, Shanklin are a blot on the landscape and should be moved on to a more suitable area away from our colourful Romany site. Its value has halved since the owner-occupiers arrived.’

Read more >

It was returns only last night, at the box office for the revival of Samuel Beckett’s black comedy, starring Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen. The play depicts two down-at-heel political parties who spend the whole play waiting for the mysterious ‘Gordo’ to resign.

Some critics regard Gordo as representing God – a view that Gordo himself appears to share. But nobody really knows what it all means, because after an interminable series of comical and futile dialogues between the main characters Gordo is still in office and nothing whatsoever has changed.

Read more >

Daily headlines direct to a special receptor implanted in your brain

Read more >

Paul Atkins, a resident of Ryde on the Isle of Wight, yesterday became the first person to be banned from the social networking site ‘Twitter’ for being far too dull. The Twitter site is an example of ‘micro blogging’ in which users post short messages in the style of mobile phone text messages throughout the day in answer to the simple question ‘What are you doing?’. It rose to prominence during the recent hotel sieges in Mumbai when eye witnesses used it to keep up a stream of reportage from the scene using their mobile phones, posting useful comments like ‘I hear gunfire’.

Mr Atkins, who has recently retired from a mid-level post in the IOW Council’s accounts department, seems to have had somewhat less exciting events to report.

Read more >

Arthur Spriggs, 78, of Sandown IoW was found slumped over his computer this morning and later pronounced dead of exhaustion, after attempting to answer every single spam email in his inbox.

Arthur’s widow Maisie, 75, tearfully explained that her late husband was meticulously polite all his life, and believed it was good manners to answer all correspondence promptly.

Read more >