When Kevin Lucas from Northampton decided to get married his mind immediately turned to the stag-do. Determined that it was going to be better than any he had been on previously, he left his wife-to-be in charge of the wedding arrangements and got straight to work on planning something memorable.

‘A few of my mates got married the year before and the stag-dos were all pretty impressive. One was kind of activity based and we got to shoot each other in the face with paint pellets, try to run each other off a Go-Kart track, then go out and get hammered and end up in a strip club,’ said Kevin, who denies he’s over-competitive.

‘Another one was a long weekend in Budapest, and a third was a whole week in Vegas. I thought Vegas was going to take some topping but then I hit on the idea of a stag-year. I spoke to my boss and managed to arrange taking a sabbatical from work for a year to make it possible, they seemed quite keen on the idea for some reason. Then I invited all of my friends and got cracking.’

Unfortunately for Kevin, despite negotiating a discounted rate in a Northampton hotel for 365 consecutive nights, the cost of £25,000 per head for the event proved somewhat prohibitive, and none of his friends could join him for the whole thing.

‘Of course it would have been better if I hadn’t spent so much of the stag-do on my own, but I understand that people can’t stop everything at the drop of a hat and come and get pissed for a year. People just came by whenever they could to have a few drinks, shave my eyebrows off, or pick me out of a skip, whatever they had time for,’ continued Kevin. ‘I managed alright by myself for the most part, but tying yourself to a lamppost is harder than you’d think. I did get the hang of it after about the 60th time, but it was really tricky at first.’

Kevin’s fiancé sadly decided during their 12 months apart that getting married was not the right thing to do, and the couple have since broken up.

‘It’s disappointing that I’ve ended up single, broke, and with serious liver damage, but I think everybody that was present will agree that it was the best stag-do ever – even if that is only me. The most awkward part of it all is that the transvestite stripper that I kept hiring for myself as a surprise now thinks I’ve got a thing for her….err, him, and won’t stop calling me.’

‘I could sense that something was up immediately,’ said Jon, ‘and when I finished the call, someone explained that the Company had a New Year Greetings Policy in which the cut-off point is set at 12 days. Since I only joined them in August, I didn’t know this, but it didn’t seem to be a big deal.’

But things took a turn for the worse when Jon had a call from the 5th Floor. ‘You always get a slight feeling of dread when HR ask ‘if you could spare them a minute’,’ he reflected, ‘but to be told that my actions had contravened company regulations and I was facing disciplinary procedures was a total shock. I had no idea what I was supposed to have done wrong. All possibilities came to mind but I didn’t think that going over the free coffee allowance and consequently breaking the comfort break quota would lead to a suspension.’

In a statement for Taylor & Digby, HR Coordinator, Debbie Cooper said. ‘Whilst we are unable to comment on individual cases, our policy was introduced with a good deal of careful consideration to defuse the perennially contentious issue of how long into January it is reasonable to wish people a Happy New Year. Every employee is made aware of this upon joining the Company as it very clearly states in Section IV, Paragraph 15, 6(ix) of the Employment Conditions that New Year’s greetings are permissible only for the first twelve days of the year. This is just below our Whistleblowing Policy which bought the matter to our attention in the first place.’

Meanwhile Mr Knowles, facing a bleak New Year with the prospect of unemployment if the Company appeal procedure fails to reinstate him, is still wondering who got him into this dilemma. ‘I not certain who reported me,’ he said, ‘but I have suspicions that office smug, Jackie Goddard, may have had something to do with it. She nearly got me into trouble once when I showed her a photocopy I had done of my cock.’

StanLaurel – hat tip to beau-jolly

‘It’s the nightmare scenario,’ said a spokesman from Jane’s Decency Review, ‘A Twitter attack can be launched any time, any place, and there’s little you can do about it.’

Last week, after luring thousands of people into her world, one Tweeticide bomber launched a full front attack on their self esteem. Having gained their confidence with some work related semi useful information, she then launched wave after wave of Improvised Emotional Demoralisers (IEDs), with aspirational bombshells designed to cut anyone’s self esteem to pieces. First came a reference to a happy family scene. There followed a series of shocking revelations about ecstatic gift receiving incidents. Next, she boasted how much she loved the Christmas TV entertainment on show, twisting the metaphorical bayonet she’d just plunged into many reader’s hearts. ‘Only one in ten people enjoy anything on telly these days, and that’s usually ruined by someone talking over it,’ said an expert. ‘To discover that someone else is living the dream is like a form of reverse Schadenfreude.’

But worse was to follow. The reverse Schadenfreude technique, say experts, is merely the softening up processes, in preparation for the big bang. ‘Having a fab Xmas in our new holiday cottage that hubby did such a brilliant job converting,’ said a typical Tweet. With its implications of contentment, stress free property development, excessive wealth and a mutually supportive marriage, the tweet carries all the critical elements that could devastate most mortals.

The evolution in terror techniques was in response to heightened awareness about traditional round robins, whose predictability made them easier to detect. But the new tweet-powered round Robins, being shorter and punchier, have a devastating range and can find their target wherever they are.

‘Be very very careful who you follow on Twitter,’ said one expert, ‘as soon as you detect any sign of smugness, we advise you to get out and stay out. Don’t go back, no matter what, as that would be emotional suicide.’

‘When you’ve spent all week sat at a desk eating crisps, you don’t want to waste your spare time looking at sleek animals in peak physical condition’ explained Howard Holstead, the park’s head keeper. ‘I got the idea after telling a family from Dudley that our cheetah was the fastest animal on the planet, and the second-fattest kid called it a ‘vain twat’.’

Unlike other zoos, visitors are actively encouraged to feed the animals. ‘You’re never going to bloat a meerkat with salad’ warned Holstead, ‘but it turns out they really like Big Macs. The crowds love watching them sucking cheese out of each other’s fur or laying there, gasping for breath.’

The high-fat diet has caused subtle changes in the behaviour of some animals. ‘The meerkats seem reluctant to look out for predators, possibly because of the effort required to give even the less stocky ones a bunk-up into their tree. But the most interesting development is the use of tools by the chimps, they’ve learned how to break into the control room and order pizza.’

Holstead took a proactive approach towards animal rights groups and invited them to visit the zoo before they could protest. ‘They were ready to have a right old go’ he confirmed, ‘but when they got here, they were impressed with how jolly all the animals looked.’ Any thoughts of freeing the animals was quickly dropped by activists, once they realised just how big they’d have to cut the holes in the fencing.

Humphries has noticed a number of advantages as well. ‘Most of the animals can’t be bothered to escape, so we save a fortune on maintaining the cages’, he explained. ‘It’s now perfectly safe to walk through the safari park, where you can watch my staff shooting the lions with insulin darts.’

Not everyone at the zoo has embraced the new cuddly animals though, and Humphries recently had to fire the park’s dietician. ‘We need to make sure our animals receive a high percentage of fried food, but Mrs Griffiths was found to be preparing some meals by cooking them over a low heat, in a light bouillon. That’s the sort of thing that could completely undermine our efforts to introduce tubby animals into the wild: you’ve really got to keep an eye out for poachers.’

‘It was never an easy relationship with their mother, Princess Padme,’ explained Vader who had dressed as Batman to draw attention to his plight. ‘I was apprenticed as a Jedi on minimum wage, supposed to remain celibate, then she was suddenly promoted over my head to become Queen Amidala and a member of the Galactic Senate. It was the stress of it all that turned me to the Dark Side.’

‘But I was doing it all for her, and she just couldn’t see it,’ continued Vader. ‘If you read her divorce petition, it’s all ‘He changed, he killed the Sand People and the Jedi Younglings, he’s a Sith Lord, he tried to strangle me using the force, blah, blah, blah’. Nobody asked my side of the story. Plus, she had a very good lawyer.’

Soon after his pregnant wife fled the family planet and died shortly after giving birth to twins. The children were then taken into care by Jedi social services and were adopted by separate parents in different star systems. Vader then spent much of the next twenty years searching for his children, but to no avail.

‘If only I’d known Princess Leia was my daughter then I might not have had her tortured on the Death Star – or only a little bit anyway,’ he reflected. ‘But it’s hard for a father reunited with his children after so long. When I finally met my son I offered to set him up with a good job, a pension, health care, company Tie fighter, but he had a lot of anger issues. It’s just a shame I couldn’t channel it towards the Dark Side. I just lost it and cut off his hand, which may not have been the best response.’

Despite the setbacks Vader is hopeful of regaining contact with his children. ‘I’m building this nice new Death Star just off Endor, somewhere they can stop by and visit, maybe stay over eventually and bring the grandchildren. Just don’t pass the address on to the Child Support Agency.’

Quaz (hat-tip to bonjonelson)

‘The French nation have known for some time that for a meal to be truly delicious, you have to kill an animal imaginatively’, explained Dr Marcus Desard. ‘Force feeding ‘une duck grande’ to bursting point, drowning a bunting in cognac, or perhaps just kicking a horse in the ‘ballons’: our top chefs know the secrets of wonderful meals. A pinch of assault really draws out the flavours.’

The discovery comes after years of research. ‘We prepared identical meals from two groups of chickens. One brood was fed on corn in a grassy field, while the other was kept in a tiny pen in our lab, and fed on kit-kats and blu-tac. There was always an assistant on hand to shout disparaging remarks, and show them pictures of a fox licking its lips. Once they were properly upset, we drowned them in Tizer and fed them to a control group with no experience of gourmet food, a group we call ‘Germans’.’

The results were remarkable. ‘The abused chickens were over 73% more luscious than the happy chickens. We’d expected to see some link between bad husbandry and good cheffery, but this was beyond our dreams. And we French spend a lot of time dreaming.’

British supermarkets were quick to react to the report, immediately removing all free-range produce from their shelves. ‘It didn’t take as long as you might think’, said Donald Withers, a spokesman for Tescos. ‘But this research does go some way to explaining why Turkey Twizzlers are so gorgeous.’

The research team is now looking to see if cuteness can affect the new taste. ‘Our work is showing some early promise. We chased a panda up a tree with a bat with nails in, and then knocked it down by throwing bricks at it. We all agreed it made the finest burger we’d ever tasted but we’re still waiting for the ‘control’ to die of natural causes.’

Gordon Ramsay is planning a cookery show that promotes the new flavour. ‘His food is already excellent, partly because of the secondary cruelty emanating from his brutalised staff’, explained the show’s producer. ‘But now he’s discovered that everything tastes better if you kick it to death first, we’re confident he’ll get another Michelin star. He might even win back ‘Restaurant of the Year’ from McDonalds.’

‘I just can’t cope any more,’ she said. ‘I cook all the meals, drop them off at school, do all the washing and cleaning. ‘I’m the one who reads with them after school and at bedtime. All he does is chase them up the stairs every night going ‘Raarrr!!!’. That’s it!’

‘He’s not a bad person,’ she continued, ‘it’s just he thinks that’s all there is to being a dad – chasing them up the stairs on all fours going ‘Raarrr!!!’.’

Immediate neighbours of the Hurrells have also spoken of their frustration at what Dan tries to pass off as being ‘good with the kids’.

‘He’s a nice enough bloke to talk to, but every night it’s the same,’ said Hannah Morgan. ‘Seven thirty, on the dot: stomp- stomp-stomp, ‘Raarrr!!!’, stomp-stomp-stomp. In the garden, too. They’re outside playing nicely when, all of a sudden, the patio doors open and then it’s ‘Raarrr!!!’ all the way round the swings, across the decking, into the house and back out again. For ages. And let me tell you, those kids can scream. We just close the windows now as soon as we hear the lock on the patio door go.’

Following this criticism, Dan is now receiving help from consultant psychologist, Dr Fiona Grace. ‘Chasing the kids about while going ‘Raarrr!!!’ is fine every now and then, but ideally it should be complemented with other, less loud and chase-y forms of parental interaction. If not, it can manifest itself in adulthood as anxiety, shyness and a chronic phobia of roaring and stairs.’

‘I’ve spoken to Mr Hurrell about this and he now understands the error of his ways,’ she continued. ‘In fact everyone’s being very supportive – apart from his father, that is, who burst in halfway through our session and chased him around the room and up the stairs going ‘Raarrr!!!’.’

‘When I saw the pictures from the school prom, I was just gobsmacked,’ said Jaqui. ‘It wasn’t just that she was being loud and obnoxious – that’s par for the course after a few shots – it was her resemblance to a beached whale that really bothered me.

‘It was criminal. I knew the pictures would be all over Facebook and the school yearbook, and that without my intervention she would have no future at all. It’s a hard decision to make, but it’s something that any good parent would be prepared to do.’

Jaqui said she spent half the night making her daughter look acceptable, before posting the shopped pictures with suitably glowing comments. She then signed her daughter up to Weight Watchers and bought her a gym membership.

‘Children have to learn to face the consequences of their actions, regardless of the anguish it might cause,’ she said. ‘Learning to eat salad and how to walk half a mile unaided are sacrifices she will just have to make.’

Critics say that shopping a child can damage a child’s prospects if the truth is discovered, and it can put a strain on family relationships, but parents who have taken the step have no regrets. ‘It can give them the time they need to turn their life around,’ said Jaqui. ‘They know it’s their last chance at ever getting on the telly or marrying a footballer.’

Asked for her reaction to her mother’s tough love, Viki said she would forever be grateful. ‘I never went to none of the classes, but the photos helped attract boys and now I’m pregnant, so that’s my future sorted.’