‘Post-Natal Barbie can not only be made up with different shades of bags beneath her eyes, but also cries randomly throughout the day when the toilet paper runs out, the milk is semi-skimmed or just that there is so much pain in the world. She features a whole new range of accessories, including buggy, cot, moses basket, sling, bottles, steriliser, breast-pump, 50 muslins (all used), nappies, wipes, change bag, 50 babygros (all used) and even a scrunchie for her lank, greasy hair. But Post-Natal Barbie only needs the one outfit – a pair of baggy tracksuit bottoms and a stained T-shirt, complete with realistic breast-leaking action.’

Girls already in possession of pre-partum Barbie products will have the opportunity to upgrade them to the latest range. ‘Obviously the car seat doesn’t fit into Barbie’s Pink Corvette, so girls can trade it in for Barbie’s Vauxhall Zafira – although may find that the car seat doesn’t go in that either. Barbie’s Dream House is highly unsuitable for an infant, but can be specially adapted with Barbie’s Stairgates, Barbie’s Nappy Bins and Barbie’s Baby Monitor, which will emit a high-pitched scream at intermittent hours during the night. A baby has brought Barbie a whole host of new girlfriends and little girls can invite Alpha Annie, Guilty Greta and Benefit Betty around for a coffee. Assuming Barbie’s had time to do the shopping.’

Whilst most parents have responded positively to Barbie’s new guise, all noted a marked decline in how often the dolly played with Ken. ‘And I have my doubts about some of the anatomical changes,’ said one concerned mother. ‘I suppose the stretch marks and making her stomach and breasts out of flexible rubber add a degree of realism. But does a doll who has never previously sported genitals really now need hers to be visible from space?’

simonjmr

While the couple were away from their Letchworth home for a Pilates weekend in Monmouthshire, 17-year-old Tabitha and her younger brother Caleb set about ‘tidying up a bit.’ When they saw the mess caused by four decades of partying and drug-taking, the youngsters issued a Facebook shout for assistance from their friends. But the message spread rapidly.

Within an hour, the quiet street was full of decorators’ vans while hundreds of home improvement specialists swarmed over the shabby house and its overgrown garden. Powerful worklights illuminated the night sky as the house was stripped of its grubby furnishings and faded Jimi Hendrix posters and modernised by the shrieking interior designers who led the invasion.

A clearly shocked Will said: ‘We left behind our comfortable shambles of a home and came back to a nightmare of tasteful wall-coverings, chandeliers and decking. We feel betrayed, violated even. We’d left our grandchildren the keys so they could invite hundreds of people for a ‘happening’ – we left stashes of drugs all over the place, hired a Rasta sound system and alerted the neighbours to expect trouble. We feel so let down.’

Tabitha and Caleb admit they are horrified by what has happened. ‘All we wanted to do was spruce the place up a bit,’ said Tabitha, ‘put up new Grateful Dead posters and Che Guevara wall hangings, a bit of paint here and there, that kind of thing. Grandpa and Grandma – or Will and Jude as we call them – have done so much for us: tabla lessons, regular tarot readings, taxi service to drama and dancing…We just wanted to say thank you. It all went horribly wrong.’

Will and Judith admit that it is partly their fault. ‘We’re taking them out of that informal vegetarian school for starters and setting up our own commune where they’re not exposed to reactionary ideas. They’ll grow up into poets and alternative therapists soon enough, but before that they need to work on the basics.’

‘When I clicked on the link, it said, ‘Do you want to run the Marriage Wizard?’ I had to click ‘Yes’ to continue, and then on the next screen, without thinking, I clicked on ‘I accept’. Well, no one ever reads the licence agreement, do they. The next thing I knew, it said the Wizard had completed the marriage and would I like to register for updates.’

Debbie said that Jason had pre-registered his acceptance and therefore the marriage was all legal. ‘I have to say it was a bit impersonal. The worst thing was ‘I accept’: not even ‘I do’, or ‘I will’.
‘As for kissing and exchanging rings, that will have to wait because I’ve discovered Jason’s on his way to Amsterdam for his stag weekend. When I rang him he was at the airport, and he was well annoyed because I’d done him out of his last shag with someone else as a single man by signing up too early, unless I’d let him off in the circumstances.’

After printing and reviewing the detailed contract, Debbie found it went well beyond even the old ‘love, honour and obey’ vows. ‘You wouldn’t believe what services I’ve signed up to provide the sod,’ she said. ‘To have and to hold isn’t the half of it.’

Debbie said she was signing up for an online quickie divorce before Jason returned to consummate the marriage. ‘And I might just claim for his BMW and plasma TV in the licence agreement bit. It has to be worth a go.’

‘They’re all the same,’ complained Laura Styles, a 24-year-old receptionist. ‘Twenty minutes of foreplay, a quickie on the sofa and suddenly it’s ‘I know a nice little Italian round the corner, come on, everyone eats on the first night these days…’ Then if I try to make an excuse, they call me an anorexic and leave.’

However, some men dispute this view. They claim that women either secretly want to be seduced with Luncheon Vouchers or are tarring them all with the same brush. ‘Last week, I asked this girl at the office if she’d like to come back to my place for rampant nookie,’ said Craig Watts, 30, from Birmingham. ‘She just looked at me in disgust and said: ‘Oh yeah, so you just want to have sex with me, do you? Sure, Craig, sure…’.’

Of course, the pressure does not always come from the males. In these days of gastronomic liberation where the front page of every womens’ magazines shrieks DINNER in capital letters, the so-called ‘gourmandette’ culture seems to be everywhere.

Jason Bartlett, a 22-year-old student from Leeds, said: ‘Often I’ve barely finished my orgasm before these greedy women start making suggestive comments about going out for a spicy Thai. I try to tell them that just because I’ve spent an hour in a naked sweaty clinch with him, it doesn’t mean I want to get them over a table, for food’s sake, but they just laugh and call me a vegetarian.’

Meanwhile in the suburbs some, men are trying to push things even further. ‘A man I’ve been sleeping with suggested a dinner party with another couple.’ said Marjorie, 34, from Pinner. ‘I mean just because we’d just had group sex with them, it doesn’t mean I want to spend all night talking about local schools and house prices.’

After realising on boxing day that he hadn’t managed to achieve any of his goals for the year, Harris set about using the Christmas to New Year lull to have a go at rectifying the situation. However, he finally succumbed to serious injuries involving his car on New Year’s Eve at some point after his first 10-mile marathon training run in the morning, and before his scheduled attempt to complete the 26.2 mile course in the afternoon.

Harris’s family and attending medical professionals said the outcome had been inevitable, even though he had managed to get through several resolutions quickly and easily. The IT consultant’s initial tactic of ‘doubling up’ had enabled him to tick off ‘putting more effort with the people around him’ and ‘giving something back to the community’ in one go by sending Xmas cards he bought half-price at a local charity shop to relatives and work colleagues, ‘OK, so they won’t get them till 2010,’ he had admitted to his wife, ‘but I sent them in 2009 so that counts.’

However, progress soon slowed after his brother-in-law would lend him neither his camcorder, nor his wife, sabotaging one of Harris’s most ambitious goals. He then failed to get back into the 32’ waist Levi’s he wore throughout his twenties, despite spending all Wednesday at his local gym. Even steaming in a sauna failed to make the difference to his waist size, which he partly attributed to the ‘rather bloating effect’ of the 984 portions of fruit and veg he’d been getting through since Monday to catch up with his aim of eating his five-a-day. ‘It’s been a very frustrating day,’ he admitted, ‘and I tell you the atmosphere in that steam room wasn’t pleasant for anyone.’

Tragedy finally struck as Harris began tinkering with his Volkswagen Passat as part of a goal of doing his own car repairs, when a copy of the Complete Works of Shakespeare he had been simultaneously speed-reading fell off the bonnet and knocked him on the head, causing him to kick away the jack supporting the car he was lying under. However he noted that there was a silver lining as having both arms in traction meant there was no chance he would be keeping up his 20-a-day smoking habit as the year drew to a close, and the need for round the clock nursing care for at least 6 months after his return home, means he’ll be getting a good head start on his 2010 goal of spending more time with his family.

Members of the family report that Clark snapped after environmental activist Lindsay ruined their traditional Xmas dinner for the third year running. ‘We had put on a lovely spread,’ said Mr Clark’s mother Audrey, ‘Goose liver pate to start, roast turkey with bread sauce, bacon, cream and parmesan and all the trimmings. As usual we had to prepare a completely separate meal for Stuart – nut roast, organic vegetables and then ensure all the parts of his meal were only cooked in sunflower oil.’

Mr Lindsay who is estranged from Mr Clark’s sister Mel, was invited as a goodwill gesture after the Clarks worried he would be spending Christmas alone. During the meal Lindsay insisted that he be sat at a separate table away from animal flesh , while relating in graphic detail how the pate and the other meats were killed and prepared. One member of the family had to leave the room to be sick, while the others left their meals unfinished.

Tensions had mounted before the meal began when Lindsay refused to pull any Christmas crackers, maintaining they were unlikely to have been ethically-sourced. Likewise, he refused to wear a paper crown as he felt it was pro-monarchy. ‘This is why we never get to see the Queen’s speech,’ added Audrey Clark, ‘except on catch-up, which sort of spoils the mood.’

‘I don’t know why we keep inviting him,’ said Mel Lindsay, ‘I guess we felt sorry for him, and we always think it can’t be as bad as it was last year, but if anything it gets worse. I think the tipping point this year was when Stuart said he was going fully vegan, and had become yeast and lactose intolerant. The thought of what Christmas next year would be like was too much for Tony and he flipped.’

Meanwhile, Mr Lindsay is recovering in hospital, where he is reported to be increasingly annoying medical staff with his demands for homeopathic care.

Wilcox met attractive divorcee Anna Sheppard, 37, on the local common when his West Highland terrier Flint started playing with her Jack Russell bitch Molly. The sight of the two small dogs rolling happily around in the grass together prompted other dog owners to start referring to them as an engaged couple.

‘I made a wry comment about how dogs are lucky not to have to bother with corny chat-up lines, which made her laugh,’ said Wilcox. ‘Next time they met, they were even cuter together, so I made a crack about Flint going through his sex-crazed teenage phase and she smiled and nodded.’

In the past few weeks, however, wet weather and other commitments have restricted Wilcox’s dog-walking activities. More seriously, Molly has become increasingly indifferent to Flint and has begun playing with a boisterous springer spaniel called Charlie.

‘Anna was obviously embarrassed that time when Molly started snarling at Flint,’ said Wilcox. ‘That’s probably why she didn’t reply when I said what a typical bitch, always falling for a bit of rough.’

With only two weeks before his annual holiday in Thailand, Wilcox is keen to see some progress in the relationship. However, he admits to being frustrated that it is so dependent on the whims of two unpredictable animals.

‘Well, if it doesn’t happen between me and Anna, so it goes, I’ll know it’s the dog’s fault,’ he chuckled ruefully. ‘Either that or because of the time she spotted me masturbating in the woods behind her house.’