Valentine’s Day flowers bought at the last minute from a petrol station forecourt are better received by a beloved than flowers stolen in a panic from a graveyard, according to a survey by Bride magazine. However, the latter might be acceptable as long as they are red roses and the ‘In Sympathy’ card had been sensitively amended or better still removed.

Most Bride readers added that they preferred to receive a Valentine card with the correct postage on it, but a minority said they didn’t mind visiting their local Royal Mail Sorting Office to pay the surcharge ‘just to let people know’ they had received a Valentine card.

Last in the list of popular Valentine gifts, according to the magazine’s readership, is a box of Thornton’s chocolates wrapped by a Thornton’s shop assistant.

David Cameron has joined in the celebration of the 200th anniversary of the birth of Charles Dickens, who is often credited with planting the seeds of social reform, by announcing the return of child labour to the UK. The ‘Little Society’ initiative will see academies turning part of the curriculum over to ‘work-style’ activities.

‘Since the Elementary Education Act of 1880 , a child’s right to work has been consistently eroded,’ Cameron said. ‘Young people are being forced to exist on the meagere pocket money handed out by their stingy parents, unable to break out of the cycle of parent-inflicted poverty. Besides, poor people’s children don’t really like school anyway.’

Young people will be able to gain practical skills like rubbish sorting, sweeping and, of course, chimney cleaning, while being paid in mobile phone credits, Quavers and Red Bull.

‘In one fell swoop, the thugs, mentals and ADHD twitch-arses have been removed. Fuckin’ A!’  a teachers’ spokesman said. ‘Now all we have to do is farm off the few sensitive twattish middle-class moppets remaining and we’re all on easy street.’

Lizzy G, hat tip to FlashArry

The world of popular music was plunged into chaos today following the revelation that annoying Irish twins Jedward might have been switched at birth.

‘Medical records found at a Dublin hospital suggest that the one we thought was John is actually Edward, and the one we thought was Edward is really John. It blows your mind doesn’t it?’ asked fellow Irish musical annoyance Louis Walsh.

The brothers themselves were said to be speechless at the news, albeit briefly. ‘It’s amazing’ shouted John, or possibly Edward. ‘All these years I thought I was me, and it turns out I was him.’ His brother, John, or possible Edward, concurred ‘we don’t know who we are any more. We’re going to have to rename ourselves Edjohn.’

The hospital apologised wholeheartedly for the mix-up. A spokesman said: ‘Jedward were obviously supposed to be suffocated at birth rather than just mixed up.’

A train-travelling man was left mildly perturbed after a group of up to four humans entered the designated quiet zone on a train and showed little if any respect for the zone’s esoteric signage.

‘I don’t think they knew which carriage they were in. If they did, I’m sure they wouldn’t have been as murmury. They probably just thought everyone else was really tired,’ said the vaguely dissatisfied gentleman. Instead, the group began to blatantly communicate with each other, verbally, some 11 minutes into the train’s three-hour journey.

‘I had hoped the conductor would ask them to pipe down a bit, but they stopped talking just as he walked past. I had to put my book away and listen to some music, through earphones and at a respectable decibel level, of course.’ When asked why he himself hadn’t asked the group to quieten down, the disliker of loud noises stated that he feared he may ‘be attacked with bleach.’

Worth

A campaign to stop people farting in cars when carrying children is being launched today. Wales’s chief medical officer explained that breathing in farts in enclosed spaces was harmful to children. ”Green-faced children can often be seen with their eyes watering, gagging as they breathe in the noxious fumes,’ he said.

However, the Welsh Institution for Freedom to Flatulate (WIFF) is about to launch its own ‘Better Out Than In’ campaign with a short film clled ‘Live And Let Fly’, which warns that buttock-clenching to hold in anal acoustics while driving has, in extreme cases, led to loss of control of the vehicle.

‘Silent But Deadly is bang on,’ said a WIFF spokesperson for WIFF. ‘Where would you rather have skid marks – the road or your undercrackers?’ Meanwhile, the AA has told drivers that trumping at the wheel is perfectly safe ‘so long as you open a window, keep both hands on the wheel and don’t ask passengers to pull your finger’.

Major Clanger

Hilary Acacia Avenue (nee Bingham) from Blackburn yesterday celebrated getting hitched to her three-bedroom terraced house.

‘I can’t believe it’s all happened so quickly,’ said Mrs Acacia Avenue. ‘I only asked 14 Acacia Avenue to marry me on Christmas Day, then we got straight on the phone to the registry office who managed to get us a cancellation.’

It is believed that Hilary suffers from Objectophilila. However, Mary Harper, 47, who lives at 17 Acacia Avenue told us: ‘The selfish trollop only married it so that it didn’t get repossessed. She owes £15,000 in mortgage arrears. I feel so sorry for any rooms they end up having.’

Although Mr and Mrs Acacia Avenue won’t be having a honeymoon, the couple had a successful first night together as a married couple. Hilary said: ‘We didn’t go all the way, but I did get damp in the back bedroom.’

Marko

A follow up to popular TV show ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’ has been cancelled after the first episode of ‘Don’t Tell the Groom’ failed to generate the same sort of emotional tension.

The pilot episode of the new show saw bride-to-be Amy Phillips from Chester given £15,000 to organise her wedding with no input whatsoever from her future husband John Dunlop. As Amy struggled to organise everything in just three weeks John moved in with his best man, drank heavily and spent hours playing Call of Duty on the PS3.

The producers finally decided to pull the plug after the big reveal of the suit Amy had picked out for John, intended to be the pivotal moment of the show, saw him react by shrugging and saying ‘That’ll do.’ However, the wedding still went ahead. John’s final verdict on the job Amy did putting the wedding together was ‘Yeah, it was alright wasn’t it?’.

A new brand is ‘angling’  for attention on supermarket shelves that captures the romance of the one that got away with the thrill of the illicit. Forbidden Fish has all the attraction of forbidden fruit, only it tastes better with chips. ‘It’s an antidote to the smugness of ‘responsibly caught’ fish,’ said managing director Eric Knowles.

‘Irresponsible fisherman litter the banks of rivers with wrecked Tupperware, park untaxed 4x4s dangerously close to the water’s edge, break into fish farms at dead of night and throw bangers into the water and leave fishhooks lying about, endangering dogs and wildlife. They lie to take the day off to fish and very often they have extra-marital sex behind a tree while maintaining multiple rods. But the fish they catch are always fresh and delicious, perhaps because they’re so naughty!’

Market leader Sinful Salmon is now available in cans, promoted by the slogans ‘Get a Tinful of Sinful’ and ‘I Did What It Said On The Tin’. Now, Forbidden Fish are off to sea. ‘Our trawlermen will tease lobsters and radio the coastguard with fake mayday warnings in funny voices,’ promised Knowles.