‘I thought it was right that Chris Huhne should keep the Energy Secretary armband,’ said the outspoken Italian. ‘I spoke to the Prime Minister and said that in my opinion someone should not be punished until it is official that he has deliberately conspired with his ex-wife to knowingly deceive the authorities. A criminal court, not a political court, should decide if Mr Huhne is guilty. This will be a big loss to the Cabinet and the Lib Dems.’

The FA is said to be getting increasingly nervous about the England manager after his latest outburst against perceived injustice. Over the weekend Capello openly welcomed the Russian and Chinese veto of a UN Security Council resolution attempting to end the violence in Syria.

‘The Arab League nations are trying to hold the UN to hostage,’ said Capello. ‘The UN should not be complicit in the policy of repression that some of the international community are pursuing in trying to curb the powers of President Bashar al-Assad’s legitimate and democratically-elected government. Whatever happened to being innocent until proven guilty?’

And today Mr Capello came out in support of the cyclist Alberto Contador who was yesterday banned for two years for doping by the Court of Arbitration for Sport. ‘In my view the Spanish Cycling Federation took the right approach in not banning him. You can’t rush justice. But now the decision to ban him has opened the floodgates for the banning of innocent sportsmen who may have mistakenly eaten contaminated meat or muttered something allegedly offensive.’

But Capello’s strident expression of his opinions on politics and diplomacy has left many commentators nervous about the trend spreading to other footballers. ‘How long before world leaders are seeking counsel from Paul Gascoigne, Robbie Savage or Ron Atkinson on Iran’s nuclear programme? Or, God forbid, from Joey Barton or John Terry on multiculturalism?’

simonjmr (hat-tip to Sinnick)

Residents of the street near Huhne’s grace and favour home alerted police after they were woken at 3am by ‘the repetitive sound of amateurish chiselling’ and occasional muffled cries of ‘for fuck’s sake’.

Officers then followed a trail of powdered asphalt which led them directly to Huhne’s address where they discovered a ‘warmish’ chisel in the boot of Huhne’s Capri, instantly recognisable with its lowered suspension, flared wheel arches and front and rear spoilers. Assorted driving paraphernalia was later removed from the premises including a receipt for ‘go faster’ stripes from Halfords and a king size poster of Nicky Lauda which had been hanging in the Energy Secretary’s bedroom.

Huhne claims he was looking after the chisel for a friend and that a Clarkson DVD found in his glove compartment was planted there by his vengeful ex-wife. Police are also believed to be in possession of text messages sent between Huhne and friend ‘Peter X’ in which the pair describe Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond as ‘ace’ and discuss the giddying effects of taking a corner at sixty. More incriminating, however, is Huhne’s post on an internet stone masonry forum in which he enquires as to the correct angle at which to apply force to asphalt in order to ensure maximum fissure.

Meanwhile pupils at St John’s Infants were dismayed to find their former stone guardians in ruins; chief among them a raised section of concrete which the children had affectionately dubbed “Bumpy”. Headmaster Lucian Morgan said ‘Bumpy and his asphalt chums have saved the lives of countless generations of schoolchildren following their installation in 1987 after little Tony Perkins came second in a game of chicken with a Cortina. I’ve tried to explain all of this to the children but how do put something like this into words?’

And following Nick Clegg’s comments on the Andrew Marr show, Huhne’s fluffy dice appeared to be hanging by a thread. Clegg told Marr ‘we as a Government want the highest standards of probity to be in place in everything that is done by Cabinet members. If found guilty, there’s the possibility of a Speed Awareness course and a minimum of three points on his licence. But of course, he’ll probably pass those on to his wife.’

‘We’ve looked at all the evidence and concluded that Scotland is in a state of permament decline and won’t recover,’ confirmed Mr Cameron. ‘Many of the symptoms are untreatable: stinginess, a love of deep-fried foods, continually producing top-class football managers and a misguided belief that Irn Bru is for drinking. It’s only fair that we let Scotland slip away peacefully into national self-determination.’

Scotland’s representative Alex Salmond welcomed the announcement. ‘Morally, this is the right thing to do,’ he told reporters. ‘Scotland should be allowed to die at home with dignity – although between you and me I’ve got a feeling its chances of survival might be a bit better than Mr Cameron thinks.’

The move has been criticised by American senator Robert Menendez, however. ‘This is a real kick in the teeth for all American citizens who have been victims of Scotland over the years,’ he argued. ‘Hundreds of innocent Americans have been forced to eat haggis on holidays to Scotland, and let’s not forget all the so-called ‘pop’ acts they’ve wilfully inflicted on us – Lulu, the Bay City Rollers, Susan Boyle. And don’t even get me started on tartan. It’s a disgrace, and Britain should be ashamed that it’s even considering setting Scotland free.’

But Mr Cameron defended the decision. ‘The UK has a reputation for compassion and fair play around the world, and this will only serve to strengthen that reputation. I know there are some who think that Scotland isn’t really sick at all, but I say them, just look at how few of them vote Conservative – something’s got to be wrong up there.’

‘They have that innate affinity that marks out all the great synchronised swimming teams,’ said Steve Parry, BBC Sport’s swimming pundit. ‘It’s their shared sense of direction that’s most uncanny. When David suddenly lurches to the right, Nick instinctively follows – they are inseparable. In many ways they remind me of Torvill and Dean, but older, flabbier and with two Deans but no Torvill.’

As the two men proudly modelled their trunks for the press – a pleasant mid-blue with a yellow stripe up the bum crack – reporters predicted medal success for the pair.

‘Nick adds much to the pair’s chances of winning gold. He’s a born follower, and, after two years of hard training, can sync his own movements seamlessly to that of David. He’s a natural in the water, making barely any splash in anything he does. Conversely, the key to David’s leadership of the team is keeping his movements entirely predictable and never disappointing his loyal supporters.’

The British hopefuls will face serious opposition at the Games in the form of the EU’s Merkel and Sarkozy pairing. ‘That couple managed to quash all comers in their European outings so far. They certainly got the better of the British team before Christmas when the Clegg-Cameron team drifted hopelessly apart and David found himself embarrassingly alone in deep water.’

But the British pair remain hopeful. After performing their highly-praised Sorry-Mr-Mainwaring, Stupid-Boy routine for the cameras, Cameron and Clegg finished off with a carefully choreographed manouvre in which both pinched their noses and waggled their heads before sinking slowly without trace beneath the waves.

Immunis

The two rediscovered episodes are from a 1991 story entitled ‘The Continental Menace’ and show Mr Major in the role of Prime Minister thwarting the evil European Commission on the planet Maastricht. The adventure was found unexpectedly during a clearout by a Mr Cameron of London, who did not initially realise the significance of what he had found.

Original memories of Mr Major’s tenure as Prime Minister, which ran for seven series between 1990 and 1997, were wiped by the Conservative Party and very little evidence survived of the period. ‘It seems strange now but he started out with some very high ratings,’ said a BBC spokeswoman. ‘Unfortunately more and more of his companions were killed off in gruesome scandals that weren’t really suitable for teatime viewing, and he was eventually knifed in the back by the evil Euroscepteks and forced to regenerate into the popular actor Tony Blair.’

‘It’s rather grainy footage and, as with all Mr Major’s adventures, it is in black and white,’ Mr Cameron said. ‘But the story is terribly exciting, with Mr Major and his companions running up and down corridors defeating the evil megalomaniac Delors with his clever ‘opt-out’ device. Unfortunately the last episode is still lost so we don’t know how it ended, but I’m sure it all turned out just fine.’

The Clegg’s existence has been postulated for some time as a means to resolving strange inconsistencies in the Standard Political Model, while remaining barely detectable itself.

‘The Clegg is very tiny and only capable of weak interactions,’ explained Professor Jim Al-Khalili, ‘However, despite exerting only a very small force, it appears to play a key role in providing the mass for some of the larger political elements.’

Scientists finally made the breakthrough by bombarding a political vacuum in the House of Commons Collider with high energy levels of scorn and derision. This eventually caused the Clegg to appear, albeit only for a nanosecond, before rapidly vanishing back into the ether.

‘This brief sighting could help to explain a lot of things,’ said Professor Al-Khalili. ‘The Clegg represents a stumbling block, but if it does exist then it may provide the key to how we all ended up where we are today.’

Scientists are fascinated by the Clegg particle because it has a strange ‘reverse spin’. This means that whenever it tries to go one way, it always ends up going in completely the opposite direction. The Clegg also bridges the gap between matter and anti-matter, existing in what experts believe is a perpetual state of ‘doesn’t-really-matter’.

Despite the excitement, many scientists remain sceptical about the findings and claim that the Clegg is just an insignificant blip that will probably fade away in time.

Meanwhile, others are hoping that it may be possible to harness the power of the Clegg for good. ‘It may seem like something from science fiction,’ said Al-Khalili, ‘but in the future it might be possible to split the Clegg, releasing political power of such magnitude that it may be able to light up very a small torch.’

The original programme for HS2, or ‘How to Spend again’ has been derailed many times due to unexpected or unprepared-for situations such as countries not paying for their tickets, frozen assets at critical junctures, or the wrong kind of Berlusconi on the line. But with the new Expressway, due to be in operation by 2026 at the latest, the government is confident of reducing the time taken to produce a better deal for the British taxpayer, and cut waiting times for the extension of credit to small businesses by up to 52 years.

‘This has nothing to do with Nimbyism,’ said Transportable Secretary of State Justine Greening, ‘and we are working hard with our European counterparts to find a way to avoid bothering them at all. In fact, we’re looking to reduce services to any European destinations whatsoever, and to be honest, I doubt they’d even notice.’

The new tunnel will begin just outside Amersham which is jolly convenient for many government MPs who will be able to simply park up, step into First Class and text their drivers to ask them to wait as they head off on important government business to the other side of the planet.

China has apparently welcomed the move and President Hu, on a visit to a state-owned facility in Shanghai which had just rolled out a model of the fastest financial transaction ever seen on the planet, said something in Chinese which none of the British reporters present could understand.

A formal announcement on the monumental change of plans by the Secretary of State was expected in Birmingham this morning but has been postponed following transport difficulties including overcrowding at Reading, and the replacement bus service between Banbury and Coventry being cancelled due to the wrong kind of road.

As many as 2 million workers seem set to take up the generous offer which, Osborne added, would not have been available under the last Labour goverment.

‘In order to reduce the national debt, I’m encouraging people in the public sector to go a day without pay, have an hour or two of peaceful griping in the morning followed by some serious shopping after lunch,’ announced Osborne, ‘perhaps you could start straight away? For the sake of the nation, don’t take your kids to school, take them to the shops instead,’ he urged, and asked everyone to remember this was completely his idea, as he stood outside No. 11 Downing Street, marketing his plan by burning a little effigy of himself.

Union leaders rejected the Chancellor’s call to join him in forgoing a day’s pay, pointing out that they had a lot more to lose. ‘Running a union is technically a private sector job, so it’s important that I’m on hand to draw on all my years’ experience of earning £500k per annum,’ explained Unite leader Derek Simpson. ‘Obviously, we only propose strikes when it’s for the benefit of our members, and nothing gives the little fellas more of a boost than seeing me on telly, cheering them on and taking the credit.’ Simpson pointed out that fewer public sector workers would lead to a smaller union, ‘That puts too much of a burden on those that are left, they’re already struggling to keep me in my massive grace-and-favour house.’

Whilst union leaders and politicians failed to reach an agreement on who had come up with the idea of not working, Osborne was quick to offer to extend the idea to a more permanent arrangement, particularly among council employees in Labour’s heartland. ‘I want to show the electorate that I’m listening to them. If they tell me they want to stop working and not get paid, I’m more than happy to oblige. We need to find answers to some difficult questions, such as ‘do we really need schools in the North East?’.’

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls was critical of the plan at first but after detailed analysis hinted that he was completely up for taking some time to pop down the high street to support the ailing HMV by buying an Antiques Roadshow box set of DVDs, and weeping all day about people on the show who had spent too much and found they would be getting very little in return.

Ed Miliband looked slightly surprised when he heard an argument had broken out over exactly whose strike it was; the strongest indication yet that he’s still conscious. Meanwhile the rest of the British public resigned themselves to their part in the spat between millionaires. ‘I’m bailing out the banks the only way I know how,’ explained one tired-looking office worker. ‘I’m applying for another credit card, so I can afford to buy fuel to get to work. And at 30% interest. Now, that’s a bargain.’