Speaking on Milfsnet.com all three leaders’ wives pitched their wares. Sarah Brown said: ‘My husband is more than happy that I am offering myself to the nation although anyone wishing to sleep with me will have to pass Gordon’s five conditions for entry.’

Samantha Cameron, told voters, ‘If you fancy a bit of posh then why not give me a try?’ before launching her new campaign slogan ‘I’ve never slept with a Conservative leader’s wife before but I like the look of her.’

Meanwhile, Miriam Gonzalez Durantez, wife of Nick Clegg, insisted ‘this is not a two whores race. I may be the least well known of the leaders’ wives but I am easily the most exotic,’ before adding, ‘me love you long time.’

Pollsters believe that with the parties currently neck and neck the election could be decided on the MILF vote. ‘Politicians used to seek the backing of Worcester Woman,’ said Peter Kellner of YouGov, ‘but it looks like the key to this election could be Milfing Man.’ Political consultant Frank Luntz agreed: ‘This year the ’swingers vote’ is crucial. Each one of the leaders’ wives will be doing all they can to get Milfing Man right behind her.’

As the election approaches all three wives are already on the campaign trail, walking the streets and pressing the flesh. ‘If I have to sleep with virtually every man in the country to get my husband elected then I will do it’ said Samantha Cameron, ‘I even slept with Trevor McDonald although obviously I would draw the line at Piers Morgan.’

‘This is not just about men,’ said Miriam Durantez, ‘As a liberal I am quite happy to sleep with women too. And let us not forget that under a system of proportional representation everyone would have a chance to sleep with me.’

‘Of course, publicly prostituting ourselves like this is not in the least bit demeaning,’ claimed Sarah Brown, ‘I see it as radical feminism in action. While our husbands think up new ways to screw the nation we are the ones actually going out and doing it.’

‘Who is the prime minister anyway?’ said the leader of the mob. ‘I don’t give a monkey’s. All politicians are the same anyway. But I tell you this – if the bastard came into our pub, he’d get his head kicked in.’

Mob leader John Cox was furious at being told that the prime minister had already been given a new I.D., after he was accused of war crimes. An entire back story was created for the new PM, so that he could avoid angry relatives of the dead. He is still Scottish, but instead of being an ex-public schoolboy who attended Fettes, Scotland’s Eton, the new PM is understood to be from humbler origins.

‘The old PM was rather posh, charming and very ruthless. The new character is a worrier, less image obsessed, and would be almost likeable,’ said a source, ‘if you didn’t know the damage the bastard has done.’

But the PM was inadvertently outed recently, during a seemingly routine whitewash exercise that went wrong. The PM was forced to leave the inquiry by the back door, as members of the public sensed that the PM might have had something to do with the horrific deaths of hundreds of thousands of people. He was rushed into a police van with a blanket over his head, as the mob spat and shouted ‘bastard!’, which the PM described as ‘a normal day in the job.’

However, yet another identity seems imminent, with one insider claiming the new PM’s incarnation will be as another ex-public school boy with a Scottish sounding name, a gift for sound-bites and not much history of a proper job. Makeover experts say this new identity, not a million miles away from the original PM who committed the war crimes, is at least do-able. ‘I know it might look we have gone back to square one’ confessed one insider, ‘but you have to understand we don’t have a great deal to work with.’

The séance, held in conjunction with Living TV’s Most Haunted, will be conducted in candlelight using the traditional round table format, billowing curtains and ouija board – a method previously employed by the intelligence services to establish whether Iraq was harbouring WMDs.

Committee Chairman, Sir John Chilcot, will begin the session by inviting everyone present to hold hands before asking: ‘Is there anybody there?’ The ghost of Mr Cook will then slowly appear before the inquiry. ‘I have never cross examined anyone from the spirit world before,’ said committee member, Sir Roderic Lyne, ‘Although I imagine questioning a ghostly apparition who everyone can see right through will be very much like taking evidence from Tony Blair.’

The ghost of Cook will be asked questions by Baroness Prashar about the build up to war, by Sir Laurence Freedman about the aftermath of war and by Sir Martin Gilbert about his Aunty Mabel.
Some paranormal activity has already been detected at the hearings. ‘A few weeks ago we picked up a lot of wailing, clanking and moaning,’ said presenter of Most Haunted, Yvette Fielding, ‘although admittedly most of it came during the testimony of Clare Short.’ Many parapsychologists also believe that close examination of video footage suggests that Tony Blair may be suffering from a haunted face; numerous attempts to exorcise the demons have so far proved unsuccessful.

The appearance of Mr Cook is expected to pave the way next month for the committee’s star witness, former President of Iraq, Saddam Hussein. ‘Quite frankly, he’s got a lot of explaining to do,’ said Sir John, ‘I just hope that he is more co-operative as a ghost then when he was alive.’

The format for the long-awaited election debate between the leaders of the main political parties has finally been agreed, with the rules based on the popular Radio 4 panel game Just A Minute.

‘Each candidate will attempt to speak for sixty seconds without repetition, hesitation or deviation,’ said debate moderator Nicholas Parsons, ‘points will be awarded to any contestant who manages to speak sense for an entire minute – which is almost unheard of.’

Gordon Brown welcomed the new rules although expressed disappointment that challenges are to be made via a buzzer and not through the medium of shouting and throwing things around. ‘A minute is a jolly long time for me to speak coherently,’ confessed David Cameron, ’so, as usual, I plan to break it up into six ten second sound bites.’ Nick Clegg said that he was ‘very much looking forward to taking part’ before being immediately buzzed for irrelevance.

Secret footage of rehearsals shows that each candidate has his own individual weakness. David Cameron was challenged for endless repetition of the phrase ‘Broken Britain’; Nick Clegg constantly deviated by twisting every topic into a call for proportional representation; and Gordon Brown ‘ummed’ and ‘erred’ about everything before grabbing Nicholas Parsons by the lapels, throwing the stopwatch across the studio and storming off in a huff.

‘Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gets an extra point in the opinion polls,’ said Nicholas excitedly, ‘although I see from the latest scores that we are now expecting a landslide majority for Paul Merton.’

Later debates will move onto other Radio 4 formats. In the ‘Quote Unquote’ round each party leader will attempt to wriggle out of embarrassing things that they have said in the past before accusing the others of saying something far worse.

The sessions will culminate in a special edition of ‘I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue’ in which candidates will debate supply side economic theory using a swanee whistle and a kazoo. Finally, they will all swap manifestos and sing one sound bite to the tune of another.

In the event of a hung parliament the Queen is expected to apply the rules of Mornington Crescent.

In the show, the millionaire benefactor visits an ailing political party and restores it’s fortunes by pumping in millions of pounds. ‘He was amazing’ said Dave, a community worker, ‘he turned up, took a look at the shambles we had got ourselves into and slapped £4 million on the table just like that.’ ‘We just couldn’t believe our luck,’ added George, a trainee project worker, ‘Good old Mr Ashcroft. He’s a real life saver.’

The programme, to be broadcast next week, shows how Lord Ashcroft would disguise himself as a regular party worker, even though he was in fact an international businessman from Belize with an estimated fortune of £1,100 million. ‘He really doesn’t like to talk about money,’ said Dave, ‘and after all he has done for us we certainly didn’t want to embarrass him by raising the issue.’

Lord Ashcroft has recently revealed his tax status as that of a Non-Dom. ‘I prefer to see him as a Con-Dom,’ said Dave, ‘He’s a bit rubbery and difficult to live with at times but he does offer us crucial protection.’

‘It is nice to think that with all my money I can make a real difference to ordinary people’s lives,’ said Lord Ashcroft, ‘and when I saw these Old Etonians in trouble I knew that I had to step in and do something to help.’ The money has already paid for Dave to have a crucial operation to airbrush his face and for George to attend remedial maths lessons.

‘As a billionaire I feel that I have a duty to give something back to society,’ said Lord Ashcroft, ‘although obviously, not in the form of tax.’

Ludicity (hat-tip to Scroat)

Cedric Simpson had only been working for Mr. Brown for a matter of weeks when his body was discovered in the Prime Minister’s Office last month after what was described as a ‘vigorous’ meeting between Prime Minister and Alistair Darling.

There was surprise at the time when Mr. Brown was interviewed in a somewhat dishevelled state afterwards and while slightly out of breath said to reporters that he was ‘glad he got the snotty little bastard’ and that ‘he won’t be asking any more stupid questions about the economy now, will he?’, before being quickly ushered away by a colleague.

Under the new guidelines put through quickly by the government this month, the specific nature of Mr. Simpsons injuries mean that he was in fact pleading to die and Mr. Brown should be recommended for a peerage for his ‘heroic’ actions in helping the recent graduate end his life.

Despite numerous skull fractures and a severely damaged rectum Mr. Simpson who was described by colleagues as ‘definitely not looking miserable’ in the run up to the event, had not given any prior indication that he wished to die. He was approaching his 22nd birthday and had recently announced the engagement to his childhood sweetheart, Samantha who was expecting their first baby.

Chancellor Alistair Darling said today that the thoughts of the government were with Mr Simpsons family. ‘At times like these’ he commented ‘sometimes government duty is not just government but human duty and I know Gordon had repeatedly asked Cedric if he wanted to die and each time the answer was a clear ‘yes Prime Minister’ so there really wasn’t any choice in the matter.’

Opposition Parties accused the Government of a cover up. George Osborne remarked today ‘it seems very coincidental and slightly unusual to us. This modification has only just occurred after last week’s amendment made by John Prescott who added ‘death by falling under a large weight’ to the assisted suicide disease list.’

Advisers acting on behalf of HMRS say the team could be just days away from going out of business altogether.  A recent run of poor results, claims of mismanagement and dressing room unrest has left the troubled team languishing at the foot of the EU table and struggling to fulfil its fixture list.

Now with manager Gordon Brown facing a vote of no confidence from supporters, and despite reassurances from the chairman there are signs he may be losing the backing of the board too. ‘He was never our choice in the first place’ said one disgruntled supporter outside the ground ‘he was given the job over our heads without anyone even getting a chance to vote. The job was always too big for him and now we are in real danger of losing premiership status. His teams lack creativity and vision, there’s no-one on the left wing and too much money wasted on defence. We would like to see that Berlusconi given a chance, he can’t be any worse’.

The club has received widespread criticism in the tabloids recently following rumours of inflated wage demands, indulgent expense claims and win-win bonuses for some players who City insiders insist ‘are only in it for the money’.

Although there was a brief spell of success with victory in the Credit Cup and a chance to rub shoulders with Europe’s elite, it was achieved on the back of high borrowing and risk taking by the board.

Brown has also been criticised lately by people within the regime of aggressive behaviour towards junior members of staff and poor levels of man management skills, resulting in some players asking for a move away from the club.

‘We are looking for new investors, but who will want to take on all the debts?’ said Andy Gillespie editor of fanzine HitSquadUK. ‘But whatever happens we don’t want the Americans involved, this is a club – not a franchise. I can see us ending up in the old Third World division before too long. I heard on TalkSport that some toff from Eton Academicals might come in for the club at the end of the season but what will he know about grass roots supporters. The only terrace he’s ever stood on is the one overlooking the lake at Versailles.’

Edward Hack