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Cameron returns from Euro break with a dose of the clap

'this is why Europe needs reform, and more sanitary lamposts'A sheepish Prime Minister has returned to Downing Street from his EU ‘whistle-stop’ tour with what can only be described as a bad case of sunstroke and a ‘mysterious rash’.

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EU diplomatic ‘shit list’ drawn up by the Tourism Board, say Kremlin

Grab a bargain now before prices fall!A Russian foreign ministry official has today contradicted reports that a list of ‘banned’ politicians was a result of EU sanctions against Russia. ‘Not at all. It is a simple attempt to support our gentrification process by excluding undesirables who are likely to detract from Russia’s reputation as a lovely place to visit and live.’

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Labour leadership race heats up as candidate displays vital life signs

finger on the ... oh, forget itA so-far tepid Labour leadership race has started to heat up after one of the candidates was found to have a pulse last night.

Medical experts unexpectedly found the vital life sign on Liz Kendall. Her supporters hope this will help bring some much need vigour to her campaign.

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Jubilant Londoners take to the streets in support of Galloway

Not since VE Day have so many people swarmed the capital, to welcome a new era of Galloway self-aggrandisement. Responding to the pleas of orphans and the hopes of a generation, the ex-Respect MP had declared his candidacy for Mayor of London and cat impressionist to the masses.

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Labour to show business-friendly credentials by snorting cocaine

Labour's only remaining option to get its confidence backStung by the revelation that its election campaign did not understand the worlds of enterprise and high finance, the contenders for the party leadership have vowed to prove their business credentials. This will start next week, with Yvette Cooper offering her naked buttocks as a cocaine-cruet for Andy Burnham.

‘In hindsight, our campaign lacked the energy that business-minded people can bring to the party,’ said Burnham, announcing the snorting programme. ‘We have overlooked the kind of people who aspire to prosperity, wealth and reckless behaviour involving snorting Class A drugs from leadership contenders’ naked flesh.’

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