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Xi/Cameron transcript in full

Sipping a pint of his favourite bitter in the Plough at Cadsden, Xi Jinping enthused ‘mmm – hoppy as ever. I’ve missed this’. The Chinese premier confirmed that, whenever he is over, he makes a point of stopping off at the village pub to catch up with his mates, pet the dog and maybe play some darts.

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Labour leadership not covered by 30-day refund

Despite the right to a refund becoming law, many Corbyn supporters have been disheartened to discover that they will have to stick with their original purchase; at least until the next General Election. What for many was an impulse buy, has turned out to be rather thread-bare, reminiscent of the 70s and lacking the ‘nuclear deterrent option’ that other models come with.

While most customers will be able to take their complaints to a certified Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR), voters will have to keep their faulty goods or ‘Nick Clegg promise’ as it is sometimes called.

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Confident Osborne, smokes crack during Conference speech

George Osbourne today highlighted his dominant positon in the polls by openly challenging Boris Johnson to a fight and demanding his turn ‘to f@$k a pig’. In a series of bizarre acts, the Chancellor ambled about the stage, fist-pumping imaginary voters and blowing kisses to the assembled press.

Sitting on the edge of the stage and openly smoking from a glass pipe, he yelled: ‘Let’s face it Britain, who else are you going to vote for now?

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Ed Miliband returns from meditation retreat with powers of mind over matter

After spending the last three months in the wilderness of Nepal, Ed Miliband has returned and announced, at a packed press conference, that he now has full mastery of 100% of his mind and the ability to control remote objects by thought alone.

‘We do not have to accept the world as we find it. And we have a responsibility to leave our world a better place and never walk by once we release the full power of our minds,’ he stated. To rapturous applause he then levitated a plastic cup of water with his mind energy alone before gently setting it back down on the table.

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Corbyn’s younger brother Ed ‘still waiting for the call’

Ed Corbyn, younger brother of the new Labour leader Jeremy, has told reporters he is ‘sitting by the phone’ in case anything untoward befalls his elder sibling.

‘I know things have all pretty much settled down now, but I just want to make sure everybody has my number,’ he said at a sparsely-attended press call on the fringe of the Labour conference in Brighton. ‘You know, I’m here any time, just say the word. The word being “challenge”, of course,’ he added, winking.

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