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‘The only way is Essex’ confirms Farage

This could be their finest hour‘The people have spoken, and we have heard their voices loud and clear,’ said Nigel Farage on the phone after the stunning UKIP victory by Douglas Carswell in the by-election in Clacton on Sea, Essex, before saying; ‘Yeah, see you later, babe’, hanging up his mobile, downing a couple more pints for courage and planning his next trip to try it on with another easily obtainable bimbo, anywhere else.

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Government vows to recapture information

Householders have been warned to ‘stay indoors and keep away from the internet’ by government experts worried about the dangers of information. Considerable amounts of information have escaped since the Freedom of Information Act came into law and much of it is potentially hazardous to the general public.

‘It isn’t always safe to let information roam free,’ said a Home Office spokesman. ‘The British people haven’t really developed much of an immune system where government information is concerned. This sort of thing may work in America, which has been governed by oiks for centuries, but the British have always shown proper deference.’

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Farage now vowing to take Earth out of the Solar System

Nigel Farage is in uncompromising mood. “Watch my lips. No . . . more . . . Martians”.

The UKIP leader has vowed to take Earth out of the solar system unless the regulations governing asteroids and alien immigration are reformed.

“Ask David Cameron how many flying saucers visited Britain last year and he doesn’t know. That’s how much of a shambles our space immigration policy is in.”

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Relieved Scottish voters finally able to get referendum campaigners to shut up

Och aye the no!After months of harassment, voters in Scotland are finally going to the polls in a last-ditch attempt to get the Yes and No campaigns to shut up and bugger off.

As the polls open after an increasingly ill-tempered campaign, the sense of relief among ordinary Scots is palpable. ‘I’m just glad it’s all over and I can get mah country back,’ said a tearful voter in Anstruther.’When I was growing up nobody gave a dram o’Dundee piss about politics. Now it’s all Yes this, No Thanks that, whose oil is it the other. That’s why I’m voting ‘feck off, ye boring gobshites’.’

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Edinburgh hookers say prices may have to rise in event of Yes vote

Edinburgh nightsIn what is seen as a further blow to the campaign for Scottish independence hundreds of Edinburgh prostitutes have signed a letter sent to the Scotsman newspaper claiming that they may have to raise their prices in the event of a Yes vote in next Thursday’s referendum.

The letter states, ‘Due to the potential increase in the cost of living in an independent Scotland and the associated economic constraints it is inevitable that the cost of sexual services such as hand-jobs, blow-jobs and other non-specific kinky stuff that you would never get your wife to do will have to increase if workers in the sex industry are to maintain a reasonable standard of living’.

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