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Party leaders replaced by their slogans on campaign trial

electorate relieved that humanity will play no further partIn a shock move, the leaders of the UK’s major political parties have withdrawn from the final month of political campaigning around the country, ahead of the General Election. Their place will be taken the vacuous party slogans penned especially for their campaigns.

The move comes after the Conservatives took their 2015 slogan ‘Tory competence versus Labour chaos’ on a short but successful promotional tour of Cornwall last week. Opinion polls showed the slogan outranking the PM on such criteria as trustworthiness and ability to govern. The final decision to replace the flesh and blood leader was made after papers favoured pictures of the slogan bottle-feeding a baby hedgehog over identical photos featuring Cameron.

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Fine weather my doing, say all party leaders

turn out's nice againAs days of unusually warm and sunny weather followed on from the first party leaders’ debate, the leaders themselves have been arguing about who deserves the most credit for it.

‘I arranged for the fair weather to start today,’ said David Cameron. ‘I pledge that the next Conservative government will continue to improve the weather in real terms over the next five years.’ He looked annoyed when George Osborne suggested that he had, in fact, created the ‘right climate’ for the good weather.

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Tories make Death their candidate in Chingford

go on, for the good of the countryWith the result of the general election appearing increasingly unpredictable, the Conservatives are leaving nothing to chance in at least one constituency by making Death their new candidate for Chingford and Woodford Green.

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The economy is stupid, agree political leaders

all in it togetherLeaders from seven political parties last night agreed that the UK economy was stupid, but that it wasn’t its fault.

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Iain Duncan Smith to reintroduce workhouses

No, of course you can't have some more!Against a background of persistent denials of any decision yet being made about where the Tories would cut the welfare budget, a leaked email has revealed that Work and Pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith’s latest reforms include plans to reintroduce Victorian-style workhouses.

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