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‘Debbie’s Law’ to reveal if partners have a history of ‘being boring’

A new law that could be passed within months will make men and women aware of previous instances of ‘dullness’ and ‘boring behaviour’ in their partners.

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Fit-For-Work tests to be conducted by killer robot

you have 10 seconds to comply with this orderFollowing the departure of Atos, the Department for Work and Pensions has awarded the contract for conducting Work Capability Assessments to ‘Benefits Enforcement Droid’ model IDS-209.

The droid, manufactured by Omni Consumer Products, was originally intended for law enforcement and is armed with three auto cannons, one auto shotgun and a rocket launcher.

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Nigel Farage seeks TV debate in bikinis with Daily Mail’s Paul Dacre

could increase the Daily Mail's circulation if he had a columnUK Independence Party leader Nigel Farage has offered to dress up in a bikini for an exclusive debate with the Daily Mail to restate UKIP’s message, and is also willing to discuss the boundaries of UK sovereignty as long as Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre also turns up in skimpy, alluring swimwear, to create an atmosphere of gravity in line with that paper’s influential editorial norms.

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M.P.s now only embarrassed by the ‘sound of pooing’

right honourable gentsAfter decades of embezzlement, corruption and ‘world-class douchebaggery’, the House of Commons has managed to eliminate shame in all but extreme circumstances. While Culture Secretary Maria Miller had to be wrestled to the ground by Black Rod and sat upon by the Deputy Speaker in order to elicit the ‘mildest apology’, other MPs have confessed to not being ‘remotely mortified’ when caught ‘farting in a lift’, ‘masturbating in front of their parents’ or ‘voting for’ any Coalition policy.

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Nick Clegg to resort to ‘mum jokes’ in all future live debates

"I agree with Nick"Crestfallen Nick Clegg has been advised by his publicists to adopt a more ‘ruthless approach’ in all future live debates, by resorting to ‘mum jokes’ when backed into a corner by his opponent.

Clegg’s recent debate with UKIP’s Nigel Farage on Britain and the EU, televised live on BBC Two, resulted in UKIP storming home with a massive 68% of votes in a snap YouGov survey, leaving the Lib Dems with no other choice than to court the ‘mum joke’ vote.

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