Nigel – named after UKIP’s charismatic leader – indicated he was leaving the party which, he alleged, ‘has been taken over by a cartload of monkeys’.
The resignation follows revelations that two chimpanzees and an orang-utan had left the party amidst claims they had been fiddling their fyffes expenses and following remarks by a UKIP councillor that orang-utans ‘should go back to Pongo-Pongo land’.
Photographs of David Cameron posing with a dead politician have been condemned as ‘heartless’ by family and friends of the deceased today. Some of the photographs clearly show Mr. Cameron laughing at the stricken body while others show him ignoring the lifeless corpse altogether.
From next year, the traditional Party Election Broadcast will be replaced by a blipvert that operates below the threshold of human conscious perception. ‘The old party political broadcasts suffered from a terrible flaw,’ explained Tory party strategist Lynton Crosby. ‘As soon as anyone realised they were watching one, they immediately switched over.’