The British Medical Association warned today that standards of patient care were being put at risk by Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt repeatedly travelling to his office and making fumbling attempts at doing his job.
With outrage over their proposed 10% pay rise growing daily, Britain’s MPs have reached a cross-party consensus to wear coarse, ill-fitting sackcloth tunics and cover their heads with ash, in an effort to show due contrition for their £74,000 annual salary.
‘Considering that members of the public would be lucky if they got even a 1% pay rise, it is important for us to assure our constituents that we are receiving our inflation-busting increase with extreme reluctance’ Parliamentary Standards Commissioner Derek Corbright told a packed House today. ‘Publicly debasing ourselves as we pocket our bulging pay packets will go a long way to assuage the anger of those hard-pressed families as they struggle on the breadline without the benefits of a second home or a seat on the board of a multinational corporation.’
‘Deep down we always knew that independence thing wasn’t gonna fly, especially with Salmond as pilot,’ said Sturgeon at a specially convened meeting of senior party members. ‘But watching the Tories scuttling over the border as if they’re arses were on fire to plead their case was priceless. It gave us a new sense of purpose – making the lives of those posh Southern jessies as miserable as possible.’