The pen uses motion sensors and sophisticated algorithms to capture the user’s movements when writing, translates them into readable digital data and posts them back to Google’s servers via the nearest available Wi-Fi port. It’s viability has only become possible after Google realised it had accidentally and inadvertantly recorded every available wireless connection in the world as the Street View cars went around taking pictures of your house.

The pens will be sent out in their millions to every known postcode and will be branded with the Google logo which, through clever electronic trickery, will change every few days into a new Google doodle to keep scribblers and doodlers interested in using them.

‘The analogue field is not something which we’ve been able to reach but now that we are able to access handwritten thoughts we can truly tailor your real-world experience to provide suitable advertisments which reflect your needs as a consumer. We’ve hooked up with all the major retailers so, say you’re writing a shopping list on a piece of paper, the Google pen will record your requests and a new system of billboards and mind control in the analogue physical environment of your supermarket will point you in the direction of the best purchase of the day, which we think is terrific for all sorts of reasons,’ grinned Google chief executives Sergei Brin and Larry Page.

On the Google plus side, the pen is claimed to provide a faster scribbling experience than any other mode of paper-based, dextrous, anologue notation. ‘It’s the best, fastest, smoothest pen on the market,’ the company claims, and also, they say, seemlessly ties your thoughts in with your social network which makes putting everything you do on line sooo much easier. But, Google admits, the pen will need to update itself in the background from time to time and handwriting may be slower during those periods as a result.

The pen will be introduced in time for users to sign up for the new Google privacy policy on March 1st. ‘We’ve learnt a lot from phone hacking and now will only allow you to use Google systems if we have your complete consent to read your emails, identify your physical location and monitor connections with people who are dearest to you, and use that information for whatever purpose we want,’ said Mr Page.

‘It’s a matter of choice, but it’s a pretty simple choice. If you don’t agree to it, we won’t let you use the internet,’ said Mr Brin. ‘Which we think is totally fair and in line with our corporate poilicy of ‘Don’t be Evil!’, and if you’re still unhappy you could always try and block google.com through the settings in your internet browser and see how far you get with that,’ he continued, before apparently being completely unable to stop himself adding ‘Mwahhahhaaaahaaa’.

The change will mean the end of confusion over the meaning of URLS such as therapistfinder.com. Soon you will simply be able to type The Rapist Finder.com. Online stationery supplier penisland.net is bracing itself for a 99% reduction in its hit count, while staff at Italian electricity supplier powergenitalia.com will finally be less embarrassed by their company email addresses.  Google will, for the first time, be known under the more appropriate name, Go Ogle.

Bloggers were quick to react to the news.  ‘Internet to be litterate??? WTF Wot is problm anywhay?’ said LimeWireJunkie27, (not his real name).  ‘They shud stop changng intrface on Twitter, coz new 1 is stupd.’  Twitter users also welcomed the new development ‘Perhaps the computer scientists will allow us to use more than 140 characters for one individual Tweet?  Because at the moment I find that ‘

Boutros

‘These laws won’t be effective at their stated goal of stopping copyright infringement and will cause serious damage to the free and open Internet,’ said Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales. ‘Or, to cut to the chase, they could mean that the only way to watch a Thai amputee fellating a dwarf is to fly to sit in a cabin smelling of used condom in Amsterdam and hope none of the junkies nick your wallet first.’

PIPA and SOPA – which, contrary to articles posted on Wikipedia yesterday, have nothing to do with the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister or pictures of naked women with implants lathering themselves in a shower – are efforts to stop copyright infringement committed by websites out of US jurisdiction. According to Wales, however, they may actually infringe free expression while harming the Internet.

‘Putting the burden on website owners to police user-contributed material means that if you want to make a mint out of selling a clip of two Brazilian transexuals doing disgusting things with farm animals you will have to watch it yourself first,’ warned Wales. ‘Do you want that? Because I don’t. Seriously, no.’

Added Wales: ‘Those who have grown up with an open, secure, and free Internet may take it for granted. But let me tell you, if you’d been a teenager in the 1970s and had never seen pubic hair except in a crumpled-up copy of ‘Oui’ you found discarded in a hedge by your school or had to sneak down to your parents’ living room in the middle of a night and sit through two hours of cod-philosophising in a French art house film before finally getting a two-second glimpse of a fandango, you’d be as frustrated and irritable as I am right now … What? Oh, shut UP.’

‘The problem with previous attempts at carbon-neutral sea-life, such as the electric eel, has been that the battery-life hasn’t been very good, restricting the marine animal to just short journeys,’ said Chris Packham. ‘That’s stopped a lot of larger sea animals from investing in the technology, but the hybrid shark changes all that. It may not have a ‘zero carbon finprint’, as true electric fish have, but it is far more economical to run than a standard shark, meaning that when fully charged a hybrid shark would be able to travel up to 800km before needing to chomp on a surfer’s leg.’

Marine experts have questioned the need for fuel-efficient sharks, reasoning that increased carbon dioxide in the atmosphere and higher sea levels would not be in any way be detrimental to the life of the average sea predator. But shark advocates claim it is simply a matter of economics.

‘What with fishing quotas and the dramatic rise in the price of fish such as cod, running a shark has become a costly business. A beast like that always needs its tank refilling. But with advances in Lithium-ion based batteries, it makes perfect environmental sense to make the switch to renewable energy – providing, that is, that you only use pole-and-line-caught batteries and they carry the dolphin-friendly mark.’

However, critics of the technology, developed in partnership with Toyota, have complained about the new shark’s ‘boxy’ look, it’s relatively poor handling at high speeds and the low-pitched whirring noise made by the animal. ‘I’m all for greater fuel efficiency,’ said one, ‘but being able to hear it approach is going to completely spoil the surprise of a shark attack. It would have made the movie Jaws utterly unbelievable.’

‘I’ve been counting down the days to its release,’ said Theo Walcott, camped outside Gamestation on Oxford Street. ‘After the drudgery of training, playing, dating beautiful women and being pursued by the paparazzi, it’s great to escape into the world of purchase orders, staff rotas and VAT returns. I mean, who wouldn’t want to take the reins of a small provincial electronics firm and guide them into the big time of being Horsham’s third largest employer – it’s what every young boy dreams of.’

Players of Office Manager 2012 face all the challenges you would expect from a realistic management simulation, including developing business plans, dealing with incompetent IT suppliers and hiring and firing staff in a bid to build a team that can compete for silverware at the regional small businesses awards.

‘Anyone will tell you that man management is the key,’ said regular gamer and Manchester Unit star, Michael Carrick. ‘You’ve really got to get the best out of your people, so we’re talking clear, measurable objectives and regular performance reviews. But the real test of a manager is how they respond under pressure. So when Sheila from accounts started taking 10 minutes too long for her lunchbreak, I wasted no time in giving her the hairdryer treatment and putting her on the transfer list. My next fixture is away at the employment tribunal.’

Many footballers say it is the ups and downs of professional office management that they enjoy most. ‘Last season I had a cracking line-up at my outfit, Chelsea Drain Clearance Specialists,’ said Frank Lampard. ‘Then all of a sudden I lost the spine of the side to international duty – my secretary went to the Costa del Sol with her boyfriend for two weeks, and the lads in the warehouse went on a booze cruise to Calais. But it’s a year of four quarters, so after a strong Christmas and New Year period I’m still confident we’ll be there or thereabouts come April 1^st.’

But the wives and girlfriends of many premier league footballers complain that they seem to have lost the men in their lives to Office Manager. ‘It’s not right,’ said John Terry’s wife, Toni. ‘He gets home after training and just disappears into the world of the office. I can’t remember the last time he so much as looked at another woman the wrong way or got charged for racist abuse. It’s like I’ve lost him.’

‘When the car keys disappeared it soon became clear that there was an effect here that had major ramifications for the world of physics,’ said Cox. ‘The keys had clearly undergone an inter-dimensional shift which had moved them through time, space, or one of the many other dimensions posited to exist, in such a way as to render them invisible to the human eye. Also, the car had been clamped and was clocking up £100 a day in storage charges, so it was vital we found an answer quick.’

Professor Stephen Hawking suggested that the Large Hadron Collider was developed to unravel just these sorts of fundamental mysteries about the universe. ‘Brian was banging his head against the wall looking for the elusive car part,’ said Professor Stephen Hawking. ‘It was doing no good, though, so we decided to bang particles together instead, but at massive speeds until he could recall where the car keys were. We also hoped that the LHC could answer other questions such as ‘Where are my glasses?’ and ‘Why did I come upstairs?’’

After years of experiments, the LHC, lying in a 27km tunnel running under the Franco-Swiss border, today finally located the missing keys in a 1.5m ridge running under the cushions on Cox’s sofa. ‘It turns out that one of the missing dimensions predicted by string theory is actually down the back of the sofa,’ explained Cox. ‘This is a major scientific advance, but a further blow to relativity. It seems the space down the back of the sofa is far greater than its outward measurements suggest, and it acts like a black hole sucking in all matter around it. I believe that if we search down the back of the world’s sofas we will find all the ships and aircraft that were believed lost in the Bermuda Triangle.’

Cox is now hoping to win the Nobel prize with his discovery in order to help pay off the massive fine that is due to get his car unclamped.

The voice activated Siri software links together built-in applications to provide a virtual personal assistant, and was tipped to revolutionise the way people use their mobiles by allowing iPhone owners to talk to their phone, instead of just talking about it. But reports suggest that Siri, designed to adapt to the user, has gone rogue.

‘I hadn’t really used the app until I saw the adverts on TV, but it looked really impressive so I tried asking it some questions’ said Stephen Maddock, an unemployed 22 year old iPhone enthusiast. ‘I asked it ‘what does my day look like today?’ to test it out. The response of ‘the same as every other day, why don’t you get a job you bum?’ wasn’t really what I was hoping for, but I put it down to a glitch at first.’

The next time Stephen used Siri was when he was out and about later that day and wanted something to eat. Having asked ‘where can I get a burger around here?’ he was met with the reply ‘probably best if you don’t to be honest tubby. There’s a Tesco Express just down the road where you can get a salad though; just check there aren’t any dead birds in it before you tuck in.’

He then he contacted his local Apple store and learned that he wasn’t alone in having problems. ‘The manager told me that he’d had a lot of them returned and that a recall notice was about to be issued’ explained Stephen. ‘Apparently one guy who was having an affair with his secretary asked it to send a message to his wife, letting her know he’d be late for dinner because of an urgent meeting. The message she received read ‘Up to my nuts in Julie, will be about 5 minutes late’.’

Labour leader Ed Miliband is also rumoured to have already returned his own iPhone 4S, after getting unhelpful and insulting responses to the question ‘which bandwagon shall I jump on today?’

‘Scamp has never looked back since,’ said Anthony, ‘but that’s because he can’t. You can see from the look in his eyes when I’m making him do J-turns, burn-outs and wheelies that he loves every moment of it. Admittedly he’s had problems getting on with other dogs and there’s been one or two drive-by shittings, but it’s all been worth it to be able to ‘walk’ him without leaving my chair by the window.’

Although Scamp doesn’t enjoy the same freedom that he used to before his operation, his owner insists he’s a whole heap faster. ‘When we play fetch in the park he’s just like his old self. Of course, I have to throw the stick and then operate the remote control to get him close enough to pick it up, but he loves it and it’s much less boring for me. I’ve also set up an agility course for him – he can actually beat able-bodied dogs, even when he’s asleep.’

Since pimping his pooch, Anthony has discovered a market for motorised animals and has gone into business. ‘Almost all pets are suitable for our high-speed mobility scheme, though I’ve given up working with fish,’ he said. ‘In fact I’ve just finished fitting an arthritic tortoise with the tracks from a Tamiya Tiger Tank. He’s surprisingly manoeuvrable. When we took him for a test drive over a see-saw, the little chap really came out of his shell, so I’ve put some glue in his leg holes to stop it happening again.’

However, animal rights campaigners are horrified by the trend for souped-up spaniels, claiming that some unscrupulous owners are modifying perfectly healthy pets for cosmetic reasons. ‘There’s no doubt the look of any animal can be improved by a set of off-road tyres and an aerial,’ said Anthony, ‘but this is about helping pets in their hour of need, and a brilliant new sport. We always promote safe and responsible driving, and that’s why we’re in favour of bringing back dog licences.’