‘Players these days go down at the slightest contact, so I gave her one of those looks and gestured to her to get up,’ said Withenshaw, who had no option after the woman’s subsequent outburst at him than to show her a straight red for dissent. ‘There was no-one near her at the time. In my view it was a dive, pure and simple.’

When Perkins refused to get up and leave the High Street, the referee signalled to the arriving medics to bring on a stretcher. ‘It usually does the trick,’ he told reporters. ‘It’s funny how quickly they can recover when the alternative is the indignity of being carted off on one of those things. But she was stubborn alright. Okay, as it turns out, she’d dislocated her hip, but, I mean, come on – it’s not like she’d broken her spine.’

The FA over-ruled the yellow card Withenshaw had later shown to one of the ambulance crew for forgetting to bring his magic spray, but upheld the red against Mrs Perkins who will serve a three-week shopping ban.

‘Unfortunately this lady has a poor disciplinary record,’ said an FA spokesman. ‘Only last week the same ref had to book her for timewasting after he got stuck behind her in a supermarket queue.’

‘The sport of kings should be open to everyone,’ said the club’s president, Jonathan Stares-Hune. ‘From my understanding, while poor people may not always have horses, they do sometimes have as many as two friends who could dress up as a horse and be ridden around a field. Obviously we wouldn’t want their relatives coming to watch them – it would lower the tone – but they could probably watch the highlights on Sky. All council houses come with satellite dishes, don’t they?’

The club believes that with pantomime season over it should be relatively straightforward for would-be players to get their hands on a horse costume, suddenly making the sport of polo accessible to the man in the street. However, at a trial last week a team of four players from a local council estate were soundly beaten as they struggled to come to terms with the game and their low-spec steeds.

‘I quite enjoyed it, but there were definitely some problems,’ said Gary, whose Sunday League ban for attempting to strangle an opponent has given him time to try new hobbies. ‘Having the front and back halves of a pantomime horse attempt to walk in opposite directions might be amusing on stage, but when you’re sat on top of it and there’s a bloke galloping towards you on a horse and swinging a mallet it suddenly doesn’t seem so funny. Plus every time the ball went past me and Baz and Dave tried to turn themselves round, some posh twat would shout ‘It’s behind you!”

Unfortunately the game ended in tragedy when a fat lad from Coal Lane tripped and tore a hole in his horse costume just below the knee, and had to be destroyed by a vet.

Vertically Challenged Giant (hat-tip to waylandsmithy)

‘I thought it was right that Chris Huhne should keep the Energy Secretary armband,’ said the outspoken Italian. ‘I spoke to the Prime Minister and said that in my opinion someone should not be punished until it is official that he has deliberately conspired with his ex-wife to knowingly deceive the authorities. A criminal court, not a political court, should decide if Mr Huhne is guilty. This will be a big loss to the Cabinet and the Lib Dems.’

The FA is said to be getting increasingly nervous about the England manager after his latest outburst against perceived injustice. Over the weekend Capello openly welcomed the Russian and Chinese veto of a UN Security Council resolution attempting to end the violence in Syria.

‘The Arab League nations are trying to hold the UN to hostage,’ said Capello. ‘The UN should not be complicit in the policy of repression that some of the international community are pursuing in trying to curb the powers of President Bashar al-Assad’s legitimate and democratically-elected government. Whatever happened to being innocent until proven guilty?’

And today Mr Capello came out in support of the cyclist Alberto Contador who was yesterday banned for two years for doping by the Court of Arbitration for Sport. ‘In my view the Spanish Cycling Federation took the right approach in not banning him. You can’t rush justice. But now the decision to ban him has opened the floodgates for the banning of innocent sportsmen who may have mistakenly eaten contaminated meat or muttered something allegedly offensive.’

But Capello’s strident expression of his opinions on politics and diplomacy has left many commentators nervous about the trend spreading to other footballers. ‘How long before world leaders are seeking counsel from Paul Gascoigne, Robbie Savage or Ron Atkinson on Iran’s nuclear programme? Or, God forbid, from Joey Barton or John Terry on multiculturalism?’

simonjmr (hat-tip to Sinnick)

‘While John Terry is awaiting trial on charges of racial abuse, we don’t feel that it is appropriate for him to remain as England captain,’ said David Bernstein, chairman of the FA. ‘We need a united dressing room and for the national side to have at its helm a figurehead free from any perception of racial prejudice. And what better way to demonstrate our commitment to diversity than to appoint a middle-aged black woman to the role? Plus Diane’s form this season has been excellent.’

A delighted Mrs Abbott has welcomed her appointment ahead of Euro 2012. ‘The British invented racism – sorry, football – and we have a proud history of sticking it to foreigners on the pitch. These European powers love playing ‘divide and rule’, but we should not play their game – we need to counter-attack quickly and get it to our wide men. I give the public my word that this England team will rise up and avenge the European white man for the years of brutal oppression we have suffered in major footballing tournaments.’

However, critics have immediately questioned the wisdom of the FA’s appointment after Mrs Abbott’s first contribution as England captain was to drop all the white players in the squad. ‘I’ve been involved in football long enough to know you can’t win anything with white kids,’ she told pundits. ‘We need to give young black boys role models they can look up to. And for any racists who disagree, all I will say is that I’m not afraid to call up Emile Heskey.’

But during her first game as captain, Mrs Abbott and her all-black team came up against the same old racial prejudices. ‘Every time we went near the opposition, this white authority figure in uniform blew a whistle and stopped and searched us. It was a disgrace, and it has left the lads feeling pretty low. So, having spoken to my predecessor, to try and raise team morale I’m going to have an affair with Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend.’

Robbie Savage had been hiding a terrible secret. He was a thespian.

In his cliches’n'all autiobiography, Savage!, the Wales star bravely comes out as a ‘situation embellisher’ and faces the rumours that have been circulating around the game ever since he first clapped eyes on Tottenham’s Justin Edinburgh.

When his big moment on the biggest stage in football came, Savage gave the performance of his life. His theatrical tour de force blew the packed house at Wembley Stadium off their feet. Referee Mike Riley was so impressed by Savage’s dramatic ouevre that he awarded the highest possible accolade in the modern game, the coveted Red Card for the Opponent.

Now retired, Savage wants to stand up for all the thespians in the modern game, many of whom suffer terribly at the hands of small-minded football fans.

“They boo a thespian in the other team, but they’ll happily cheer their own man’s furtive shenanigans,” said Savage. “I’ve decided it’s time to defend my own, and others’ craft.”

Many more enlightened modern pundits are prepared to recognise the positive contribution that thespians make in the modern game. Post match analyses on Match of the Day between Gary Lineker, Mark Lawrenson and Alan hansen will frequently end with the words, “He’s entitled to go down there” or “that’s definitely up for an Oscar.”

Many thespians go to great lengths for their work. Savage spent time among the playing staff at Crewe, Leicester and Blackburn, learning how real footballers work rest and play. His Stanislavsky Method paid off and many people were astonished to see him perform in the Championship for Derby against QPR and not look out of place. Deeply superstitious, like many actors, Savage said he carried a Taarabt in his packet the whole night.

In retirement Savage says he misses the changing room atmosphere most. “I miss it all, the fans, the lights, the nerves, the smell of the greasepaint…..”

‘They have that innate affinity that marks out all the great synchronised swimming teams,’ said Steve Parry, BBC Sport’s swimming pundit. ‘It’s their shared sense of direction that’s most uncanny. When David suddenly lurches to the right, Nick instinctively follows – they are inseparable. In many ways they remind me of Torvill and Dean, but older, flabbier and with two Deans but no Torvill.’

As the two men proudly modelled their trunks for the press – a pleasant mid-blue with a yellow stripe up the bum crack – reporters predicted medal success for the pair.

‘Nick adds much to the pair’s chances of winning gold. He’s a born follower, and, after two years of hard training, can sync his own movements seamlessly to that of David. He’s a natural in the water, making barely any splash in anything he does. Conversely, the key to David’s leadership of the team is keeping his movements entirely predictable and never disappointing his loyal supporters.’

The British hopefuls will face serious opposition at the Games in the form of the EU’s Merkel and Sarkozy pairing. ‘That couple managed to quash all comers in their European outings so far. They certainly got the better of the British team before Christmas when the Clegg-Cameron team drifted hopelessly apart and David found himself embarrassingly alone in deep water.’

But the British pair remain hopeful. After performing their highly-praised Sorry-Mr-Mainwaring, Stupid-Boy routine for the cameras, Cameron and Clegg finished off with a carefully choreographed manouvre in which both pinched their noses and waggled their heads before sinking slowly without trace beneath the waves.

Immunis

‘I’ve been counting down the days to its release,’ said Theo Walcott, camped outside Gamestation on Oxford Street. ‘After the drudgery of training, playing, dating beautiful women and being pursued by the paparazzi, it’s great to escape into the world of purchase orders, staff rotas and VAT returns. I mean, who wouldn’t want to take the reins of a small provincial electronics firm and guide them into the big time of being Horsham’s third largest employer – it’s what every young boy dreams of.’

Players of Office Manager 2012 face all the challenges you would expect from a realistic management simulation, including developing business plans, dealing with incompetent IT suppliers and hiring and firing staff in a bid to build a team that can compete for silverware at the regional small businesses awards.

‘Anyone will tell you that man management is the key,’ said regular gamer and Manchester Unit star, Michael Carrick. ‘You’ve really got to get the best out of your people, so we’re talking clear, measurable objectives and regular performance reviews. But the real test of a manager is how they respond under pressure. So when Sheila from accounts started taking 10 minutes too long for her lunchbreak, I wasted no time in giving her the hairdryer treatment and putting her on the transfer list. My next fixture is away at the employment tribunal.’

Many footballers say it is the ups and downs of professional office management that they enjoy most. ‘Last season I had a cracking line-up at my outfit, Chelsea Drain Clearance Specialists,’ said Frank Lampard. ‘Then all of a sudden I lost the spine of the side to international duty – my secretary went to the Costa del Sol with her boyfriend for two weeks, and the lads in the warehouse went on a booze cruise to Calais. But it’s a year of four quarters, so after a strong Christmas and New Year period I’m still confident we’ll be there or thereabouts come April 1^st.’

But the wives and girlfriends of many premier league footballers complain that they seem to have lost the men in their lives to Office Manager. ‘It’s not right,’ said John Terry’s wife, Toni. ‘He gets home after training and just disappears into the world of the office. I can’t remember the last time he so much as looked at another woman the wrong way or got charged for racist abuse. It’s like I’ve lost him.’

“We deeply regret the demise of Paul Gascoigne’s news worthiness,” said a spokesman, “and it was with great sadness that we were forced into this decision. But when viewed from a hard headed, commercial perspective, it looks like the marketability of Gascoigne’s private life will not recover.”

The Gazza was once a blue chip commodity on the news market and the first choice for any editors looking to assemble a basket of news currencies. But it’s been an open secret that the Gazza is no longer performing in the way that news traders wanted. There has been a massive decline in interest in The Gazza among the agents who make a living from human capital, such as football fixers, marketing men, celebrity bookers and radio 2 DJs. Mentions of Gazza on Radio 2 have plummeted, from a peak a few years ago when showbiz luminaries such as Chris Evans and Danny Baker would openly declare their love for the front page commodity.

One expert explained the popularity of The Gazza. “[The] Gazza covered every inch of the newspaper. He’d appear in a box at the back page (ten reasons England must take Gazza) then he’d pop up a front page box (three reasons why Gazza is a disgrace),” says one tabloid editor.

But ironically, when Gazza stopped getting legless, the value of this news commodity no longer had legs. Then something happened that nobody could have predicted.

The endorsements from showbiz friends suddenly dried up. The undying friendships of normally rock solid players on the news currency markets, such as Radio 2 DJs, inexplicably died. Nobody could have predicted that this would happen.

Now, The Gazza looks to be finished as a news commodity. “I just hope he’s pleased with himself,” said one tabloid newspaper editor. “There were a lot of people making a good living out of the Gazza. Now they’re going to have to find something else to do. It’s alright for some innit?”