NewsBiscuit

The national football team of Brazil will head off to the 2010 World Cup in South Africa with heavy hearts this week, after drawing ‘useless clot’ Brian Davies from Accounts in the annual Zenith Industrial Holdings Ltd. sweepstake.

‘Davies hasn’t got a hope in hell of keeping his job, let alone getting a pay rise, ‘not since he screwed up the employee’s P60 PAYE tax statements last April,’ complained Brazilian manager Dunga. ‘The man’s a menace and everyone knows it. In many ways it’s my fault for letting Robinho put his hand in the hat – he should have searched around a bit, rather than pulling out the first name he found. It’s a waste of a pound in my opinion.’

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Formula 1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone has unveiled his full vision for this year’s racing season which builds upon his recent suggestion that drivers should be able to take shortcuts during a race.

In a lengthy press statement he outlined several exciting new proposals…

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David Cameron was caught off guard at the political leaders’ debate last night as the Labour Party pledged that England would win the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

Speaking after the historic debate to Alistair Stewart, Ed Miliband, architect of the party’s manifesto, confirmed their ‘firm intention to win the World Cup for the first time since 1966’. Under intense cross examination, Miliband said the pledge had been fully costed and Alistair Darling had approved the promise provided that Scotland win the trophy in 2014. He also revealed Labour’s intention of phasing in the 2012 European Championships for Wales at the personal request of Welsh assembly first minister Carwyn Jones.

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With two months remaining before the start of the World Cup, concerns are mounting that England may end up fielding its weakest WAG line-up for years. ‘The Wives and Girlfriends have been beset by disaster in the run-up to the finals. There’s no denying that the loss of Cheryl Cole has been a devastating blow for the team this close to the tournament,’ said a source close to the WAG training camp, where several hopefuls have reportedly been strenuously trying out to replace Ms Cole. ‘We’re delighted to see Toni Poole back in the squad, but no-one really knows if she can go the whole 90 minutes, or if she’ll be substituted by another WAG.’

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As a world champion boxer, Joe Calzaghe faced some terrifying opponents, says a hackneyed newspaper intro. But now he could be facing the ‘fight of his life’, according to a well known set up, and this time it’s outside of the ring, says the predictable punch line.

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