‘Abs, as he wants to be known from now on, has had a terrible time from the press over the last few years,’ explained Clifford. ‘The public want to deport him, but that’s just because they don’t know the real Abs. He’s a lovely lad really, heart of gold. What he wants to do is bare his soul on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories (although personally I’d rather be tortured in a prison cell in Jordan than talk to Piers Morgan) then try to move on. If Kerry Katona can get a second chance, surely anyone can.’

Clifford is already in the process of lining up a series of shows for Qatada to appear on. ‘We’re in advanced negotiations with I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here,’ he revealed. ‘Abs is looking forward to eating testicles in the jungle, as long as they’re halal, although we’ll have to make sure he doesn’t try to coerce his weak-minded fellow celebs into suicide bombing Ant and Dec when the rations get low. We’re also trying to get him on Celebrity Big Brother, which he reckons he can win by persuading his rivals that there’ll be 70 virgins waiting for them on the outside if they blow themselves up in the diary room.’

As well as TV appearances, Clifford is hoping to move the focus of Qatada’s press coverage away from stories about extremist Islamic preaching and his close ties to al-Qaeda. ‘I’m thinking maybe he could have an affair with Ryan Giggs or John Terry,’ said Clifford. ‘I’d also like him to find out his phone was hacked whilst he was on the inside (by the News of the World rather than MI5) so he can make a late appearance as a witness at the Leveson Enquiry. After that maybe a perfume range, a fitness DVD, a stint as a Britain’s Got Talent judge and then his own talk-show. The sky’s the limit, as long as you’re not in a hijacked plane of course.’

Clifford is also reported to be representing another jailed radical Muslim cleric, Abu Hamza, who is apparently keen to appear on Celebrity Masterchef, Gok’s Fashion Fix and Hole in the Wall upon his release. Strictly Come Dancing has been ruled out, though, due to the danger that his hook could rip his partner’s shoulder-blades out during the American Smooth.

Just days after being told that “some of our customers may take offence at having terms such as ‘love’, ‘darling’ and ‘babe’ directed towards them”, Brighton’s bus drivers are again being taken to task for their overly familiar manner with passengers, with cuddles, fondles and lobe-nibbling being branded as ‘out-of-date’ and ‘potentially offensive’.

But how offensive are these seemingly harmless, friendly gestures?

A spokesman for the bus company, quoted in the Brighton Argus, acknowledged that such complaints were rare. But over the past decade there have been moves by a number of hospitals and councils to stop their employees touching, licking and gazing longingly into customers’ eyes.

In 2006, managers at Newcastle City Council instructed staff to think carefully before using such techniques as “petting” or “nipple tweaking” when dealing with women, for fear that they may be interpreted as sexist.

But critics of the move argued that such terms were part of the region’s behavioural heritage, and that people were simply employing traditional Geordie signs of endearment.

So when bus drivers, cabbies and shopkeepers use moves like stroking, fingering or the reach-around, they are being “affectionate, and not at all rapey”, says Tony Thorne, editor of the Dictionary of Contemporary Public Foreplay.

“It’s folksy – part of a tradition in this country, a momentary affection between strangers. I know people who don’t live in Britain any more and when they come back they say how much they like to feel the hand of a greengrocer down the front of their trousers. They know they’re home.”

However, the bus company assured customers who have bought monthly passes that the ‘happy-ending with every journey’ offer would still be honoured.

In a tersely worded letter posted on the railings at Buckingham Palace, the bank informed Her Majesty that due to a complete breakdown of trust in their mutual business relationship, the bank had no option but to withdraw facilities and that she could ‘stick her Knighthood right up her big fat Royal corgi’.

After a bad week for RBS which saw incumbent chief executive Stephen Hester deprived of his bonus this is seen as a clear show of strength that the Masters of the Universe will not tolerate negative actions against ‘one of their own’.

However, an even more pink-faced than usual David Cameron refused to comment or intervene on the bank’s actions despite being the majority shareholder, saying ‘it’s not good for anyone, but frankly, this is a matter for the board of RBS, and absolutely nothing to do with me’.

Labour Leader Ed Miliband, delighted that yet another fat cat had been brought to heel, was seen drooling happily at the news and pulling funny faces in the background, although he is expected to regain his composure, put on a serious face and change his mind in a couple of week’s time.

With many utility bills becoming due for the upkeep of the Queen’s main residence at Buckinghambalmoralwindsorsandringham Palace, a planned day out boating on the Thames in June, dwindling supplies of Dubonnet and cash rapidly running out, the Prime Minister has hinted that Mervyn King at the Bank of England may be able to issue a line of credit to tide Her Majesty over until the crisis is over, at a very reasonable rate of interest.

But for now the situation remains unresolved. The Royal Bank of Scotland has already announced its intention to seek independence from the British establishment and is setting a timetable for a shareholder vote and looking for a suitable new name, a process hindered by the news that plain old ‘Bank of Scotland’ is already taken by someone else, who also happens to have been bailed out by people who pay their tax bills.

But should RBS ever manage to break away from England to once again become a wholly Scottish concern there are renewed hopes that plain old Mr Fred Goodwin, as he is now, may be asked to return and lead a glorious nation’s banking industry to Nirvana one more time, after Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond was apparently overheard describing him in muffled tones as ‘the biggest banker on the planet’. Or something like that.

‘Yeah, thought I’d do my bit and let ‘em off for a while’ he explained. ‘I’m gonna be away in Winchester on a ‘business trip’ for the next year or so, just won’t need the dosh, see.’

This noble gesture by the self-taught benefit system expert is made even more generous by the fact he is also giving up all paternal rights to his ten offspring for the period of his ‘sojourn’, to allow the six mothers of his children to spend some quality time with an array of different father-figure types.

‘It’s going to be tough on ‘em and that’ admitted Dazzler. ‘But as long as my ladies’ new fellas do the decent thing and come up with the cash to support their new families it’s all good, innit’. He went on ‘I mean, JJB haven’t had a decent trackie sale for ages and looking good is a very important part of the sprogs’ lifestyles’. Oxford City Council have however confirmed that they are already considering taking several of Darren’s children – Britney, Shaznay, Beyonce, Kanye and little baby Tinchy – into care, which could see foster families providing the youngsters with new tracksuits anyway, or even proper clothes.

‘I’ve always put the kids first’ said Dazzler. ‘Motability were really good to give me a family car. It’s great for taking the kids down the pub, and it means I don’t have to get the Impreza dirty.’

Darren’s six ‘stay-at-home’ mums do all face eighteen months of uncertainty with the head of the house away, but they have all got together to discuss the implications and plan a way forward. ‘We’ve all decided the best thing to do is to pretend he’s dead so we only miss him for a little while – like when Ashley got killed in Corrie’ said Chelsee, 19. She went on to add excitedly ‘we’re all gonna get a ‘RIP Dazzler’ tattoo to make us all believe it more – apparently the new piercing and tatt’ shop in town takes food vouchers as payment!’

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41-year-old middle manager Paul Henderson, trapped in a loveless marriage for the last eleven years, had been planning his ‘Great Escape’ for the last 18 months, and decided to use the traditional mid-January spike in suicides as camouflage for his ‘drowned-at-sea’ act, but was left gob-smacked when he found himself sitting down next to his own wife on a flight to Mexico where he was to become a goatherd.

‘It turns out she had just come from pushing the Volvo off Beachy Head to fake her own death, and well, long story short, blazing row, got chucked off the plane,’ explained an embarrassed Henderson. ‘I don’t think it would’ve worked anyway, with all the thousands of cars pushed off the South coast in the last 24 hours, and the coast guards being too busy clearing the Channel of empty canoes so that shipping could get through.’

Executives from Barclays Investment Bank were left similarly red-faced when they all turned up in the same Thai fishing village having separately filled their private jets with corpses and crashed them into the jungle.

‘I’d been covering up tens of millions of pounds worth of losses on my books for the last three years, and I knew it was going to come out,’ said would-be snorkel rental hut owner Philip Walker, a senior investor at the banking group, ‘but it turns out that was at the low end of the scale when I bumped into the guys. [Head of the FSA] Adair Turner had also faked his own death and rocked up to the same place. We were all booked at the same plastic surgeon too. It was very awkward.’

‘It will be impossible to be a racist if everyone is the same colour purple,’ explained Prime Minister David Cameron. ‘We painstakingly searched for the colour that was the least offensive to the populace. Bleaching everybody white was obviously a non-starter; staining people brown could be seen as positive discrimination and green might be offensive to Martians in the event of first contact. After sensitive deliberations we settled on purple. Our public information campaign launches next week and will be fronted by John Terry, Luis Suarez and Diane Abbott.’

During the next few weeks, special dying facilities will be set up in municipal boroughs and parish councils throughout the country. ‘Each person will be required to present themselves at their local facility at a prearranged date where they will be stripped, plunged into a trough of purple liquid and held down with a pole until the dye has permeated every nook and crevice – a bit like sheep dipping really. And in addition to bringing racial equality, being purple makes it easier to conceal your anger and provides natural camouflage against a background of aubergines.’

Critics have, however, blasted the scheme. ‘Purple dye is far too expensive,’ said one activist. ‘Orange would be a far more cost effective colour to use. We’d save loads of money by not needing to dye David Dickinson, Katie Price and or anyone from Essex.’

Previous awareness campaigns in the 1980s featured an actor alternating between the kiss of life and the Heimlich Manoeuvre with a male dummy inside a cupboard, accompanied by instructions read out in time to a disco soundtrack. The British Heart Foundation admits now, in hindsight, that the infomercial might have built up something of a negative stereotype which they’re keen to do away with.

One man who didn’t want to be named, described what happened after he saved the life of his former best friend who’d had a heart attack at a Sunday kick-about. ‘I was ostracised from the team, there would be hushed whispers and eventually I had to accept that the simple act of performing the kiss of life on a left winger made them all think I was a bit of a bumdar.’

To this the BHF said; ‘With our new campaign, we hope to make CPR look more like an act of Alpha Male dominance, even a bit like a fight. We suggest that it would even be fine to intersperse punches to the chest with the odd one to the face to make it look like a really savage beating.’

The new awareness films will star Jeremy Clarkson and Steve McFadden cruising the streets of Hull in a Monster Truck whilst drinking beer and stopping to give first aid to former Olympic shot-putter Geoff Capes in the middle of a construction site, before sending him on his way with a friendly punch on the shoulder and the new campaign slogan ‘now don’t let me catch you dying again, you big pussy.’

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“I thought it odd that my lawn still needed mowing in November”, confirmed Grantham. “Normally I can safely put the lawnmower away in October, just after we’ve pruned back the cat. But we’ve been collecting berries from our rabbits as late as last week, and I’m already digging up tortoises that are sprouting.”

Grantham is ashamed to go out in public with his face covered in pomaceous fruit, particularly as a lot of the apples have bad skin. “Some of the smaller apples are especially embarrassing”, admitted the moderately wealthy source of Vitamin C. “From below, they look a bit like dogs’ bottoms. The man at the garden centre said the stress of fruiting too early can cause health problems, he’s painted grease round my knees, to reduce the risk of canker.”

Grantham’s wife is trying to be supportive of her husband, but admitted she prefers a banana. “I enjoyed it when he was in blossom, the scent more or less made up for the bees and it’s nice having a husband who counts as one of my five a day. But I’m not completely sure he’s innocent in all this. My mum swears she caught him self-pollinating in the greenhouse, the dirty little sod.”

Fortunately, help is available for sufferers of male pippin boldness. “I’ve joined a support group where we can discuss our fears, work through our self-esteem issues and exchange recipes”, said Grantham. “Last week we went on a field trip together, it was liberating to stand in neat rows, sunning our coxes. The organiser didn’t even charge us, although he did let some Romanians give us a bit of a shake and pick up the fallers. He’s always wanted an orchard.”

Grantham hopes that he will eventually learn to adapt to warmer winters, and is receiving expert help. “There’s a range of treatments available. Some people have been wrapped in newspaper and stored in sheds until the Spring, or treated with a range of creams, poultices and custard”, explained the heavy cropper, but Grantham is trying something more radical. “Doctors are planning to repot me, so I only produce chest fruit in future. It’s too early to say if it’ll be successful, but I look forward to the day when I can hide these beauties away from prying scrumpers. The surgeon hopes he can bud this in the nips.”