But Chief Constable Colin Port defended DI Turner’s sacking, saying he had no drink problems, no discernible skeletons in the closet and never had an affair with anyone at the station. ‘With a personal life like that not hampering his investigations in a way that provides a bit of colour and occasionally juxtaposes with the criminals he was investigating he couldn’t possibly be successful at solving difficult crimes. All the best detectives on the telly have got issues. We had to take action.’

Mr Turner himself said that his sacking had not come as a shock, as he had been discriminated against for many years for different reasons. ‘First of all it was because I don’t drive a classic car’ he complained. ‘Then it was because I hate opera, and after that because I prefer lager to real ale.’

He also believes that his happy marriage and good relationships with children alienated him from other officers and hampered his promotion prospects on numerous occasions. ‘I only got promoted to detective because I pretended my wife had chucked me out and turned the kids against me’ he moaned.

Mr Turner has now set himself up as a private detective, although his new business has so far struggled to get off the ground. ‘No-one’s ever murdered when I’m around’ he explained. ‘I’ve tried staying at country houses, going on Nile cruises and crossing Europe on expensive trains, but still no-one gets killed. How am I supposed to interfere in police enquiries when I never arrive at the murder scene moments after the crime’s been committed? I might have to move to Midsomer.’

DI Turner’s position has now been filled by Avon & Somerset policy with a alcoholic, ballet loving, northern psychologist whose parents were brutally murdered by a drugs gang and who split up with his wife last year and hasn’t seen his kids since. ‘We’re very pleased with his work’ said Chief Constable Port. ‘He’s already racked up three relationships with fellow officers since he joined, and he’s just bought himself a classic Bentley’.

‘We have been very impressed with Lord Judge’s socks’ said Justice Minister, Jack Straw, ‘but in the end we decided to stick with tradition and issue all judges with their very own Sooty and Sweep. The juries like it when Sooty waves his magic wand and sends a criminal down for life.’ Mr Straw explained that in complex cases, such as financial fraud, juries may also be given access to more advanced puppets such as Zig and Zag.

The decision follows research showing that 2/3 of jurors were confused by the judge’s direction. The remaining third were confused by the researcher’s question.

‘Of course we try our best to keep things nice and simple for juries,’ said Lord Judge, ‘I even changed my name to ‘Judge’ to make it easier for them. In the future I might take it one step further and rename defendants as Mr or Mrs Guilty or Not Guilty.’

In the report many jurors said that they needed clearer directions from the judge. ‘I was very confused,’ said one, ‘I kept getting lost and going into the wrong courtroom. Then I spent three hours trapped in the toilets. A map would have helped.’ The report also found that many jurors wanted judges to give them written material. ‘I already do,’ said Lord Judge, ‘I usually start them off with ‘Burglar Bill’. And, if they are really good, I give them pens and colouring books.’

Puppetry is not new to the legal system. ‘The government has used legal puppets for years,’ explained Mr Straw. ‘I remember once when the Attorney General came into Cabinet and explained the legality of going to war with Iraq using his little friends, ‘Itsy’ and ‘Bitsy’. We loved it. But Clare Short cried.’

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‘When I showed it my friends they were quite impressed and they asked me who had created the entry, after all they said, you are hardly famous.’

‘I think my friends were surprised when I owned-up to creating it myself, and they assured me that it would be sure to attract attention and be added-to by Wikipedia readers.’

‘When I checked the very next day they had been proved right and from half a page it had grown to the extent that I needed to use my mouse to scroll to the bottom of the article.’

Collins says he ‘Is not entirely satisfied with the new content but feels unable to amend it as people have gone to so much trouble.’ The article now contains amendments such as ‘When Collins was at school he was the short smug bastard who fancied Miss Pritchard from the art department (no citation needed)’ and it also went on to declare that ‘Collins was so tight that he could peel and orange in his pocket’ and that ‘His wife has just ended a four year affair with one of his best friends, still at least the baby will not have ginger hair like Collins no-balls.’

‘My friends assure me that as more members of the public hear about me they will want to add to the article. It’s all very exciting really and I can’t wait for my ex-girlfriends to read it.’

Matt said his dad had offered to buy him a guitar and an amp if he’d give it a try. ‘When we got to the shop I picked up a Stratocaster, which Dad said was a ‘great axe’, but it wouldn’t play anything and was useless compared to Guitar Hero 5, where I’m already on expert level. So Dad said he’d have a go.’

Derek then strummed a couple of chords and said it seemed fine, but the assistant said Derek had to ‘do the tune’. He played the riff from Smoke on the Water and handed the guitar back with a smile, but the assistant refused to take it. By then the shop had fallen silent and all eyes were on him.

‘It dawned on me that I had to play the introduction to Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven, like everyone else in the shop’ said Derek. ‘But I’d never quite picked it up. I always played rhythm when I was in a band, not lead. I couldn’t even manage the first four notes. I had to beg the assistant to play it for me before we were allowed to leave.’

A Musicians Union spokesman said it was widely known that doing the tune was obligatory when buying a guitar, and there was no excuse for what had been one of the worst incidents of its kind since The Edge had to get a roadie to play it for him in 1987.

Derek is expected to make a full recovery eventually, and Matt has progressed to the World Tour version of Guitar Hero and is thinking of forming a band.

Waste and recycling technician Brian Burridge, 43, described how he received the iPad in a blinding flash while out on his rounds: ‘I’d just parked the bin lorry ’round the back of PC World, and was having a look in the skip to see if there was anything I could flog on eBay, when BAM! Suddenly I was holding this gadget.’

Burridge claims that God told him from on high to look in the My Documents folder, open up a file labelled new_commandments.doc and then spread the word among the faithful. The Lord then apologised for taking so long to communicate with believers, but explained that he’d written the document in Microsoft Word had been experiencing compatibility issues.

The document, controversially written in Comic Sans MS font, rather than the expected Times New Roman, reiterates the original Ten Commandments, but continues with a new set of guidelines designed to ‘help the pious Christian in these modern times.’ Directives include ‘thou shalt not covet thy colleague’s broadband speed’, ‘thou shalt not unplug a USB device without first disabling it properly’ and ‘thou shalt not use thy neighbour’s unprotected wi-fi connection without his knowledge.’

God’s latest holy writ then goes on to outline the secret of eternal happiness and reveals the exact date of the second coming of Christ. Unfortunately Burridge is unable to divulge these details as this part of the file has been corrupted by a virus. PC experts are now studying the iPad and have confirmed that it has been infected by a Trojan, downloaded, judging by the browsing history, from teensexcams.ru. ‘Remember the twelfth commandment,’ warned a Church of England IT spokesman, ‘one shall not format one’s hard drive before first backing up one’s files.’

The trouble began last October, shortly after moving into the area from Huddersfield, when PC Nick Kemp had to issue Malcolm Rowbotham with a caution for wilful chatting in a middle class area. Kemp told reporters that Rowbotham compounded the offence by failing to display the disdain and righteous indignation expected of a Surrey resident.

‘Instead, he displayed what I can only describe as a genuine concern that he may have unwittingly upset someone,’ Kemp said. ‘Unfortunately, there was insufficient evidence for us to prosecute at the time.’

During the Rowbotham’s three-month reign of annoyance, the pair allegely maintained eye contact while travelling on public transport, whistled in a cheerful manner and failed to erect net curtains. Magistrates were finally forced to act when an attempted grievous bodily handshake was reported.

‘These three months of living beside these people has been a jolly nuisance,’ said next door neighbour, Candida Farquarson. ‘Within minutes of moving in, they were haranguing us on our doorstep with their cheery introductions and invitations for us to ‘pop round anytime for a cup of tea’. It was excruciatingly embarrassing.’

Another neighbour, part-time lecturer Dennis Jackson revealed that Mrs Rowbotham had once walked straight up to him while he was putting the bins out and told him about her husband’s hernia operation.

‘We never experienced any problems like this before,’ added Jackson’s wife Muriel. ‘We lived happily next door to Mr and Mrs Mills for over 25 years without ever being told their first names.’

The report recommends that more be done to create ‘Dole Models’ for young women to aspire to, and for a network of ‘drop-out’ centres to be established, where girl grifters can learn how to forge a dead relative’s signature or pull off a convincing limp.

Convicted fraudster Michelle is one of those helping to inspire the next generation of ‘ladybouts’. Michelle was nicknamed Miss X by fraud officers until they realised that she was using that name to sign on as well.

She was prosecuted six months ago, for working under the false name Peggy Mitchell, while claiming benefits. Encouraged by her then employer, she picked the name randomly from a newspaper and changed some of the digits in her National Insurance number. ‘I was petrified of being caught in the beginning, but then it went on and I was getting away with it. The money came in handy, and I always seemed to get plenty of bar work on the side,’ she says.

Welfare campaigner Wilfred Perch believes that social security needs to be extended to prevent women spongers being discouraged by the perceived ‘glass giro’, which stops them rising to the top of the earners league. He says, ‘Women fraudsters are still being pigeon-holed into Housing and Child Benefit claims, but what’s wrong with them having a punt for traditionally male swizzles like Income Support or a Community Care Grant?’

Meanwhile, a spokeswoman for the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) denies that she manipulated the figures in the report. She says, ‘What the report doesn’t address is how many male fraudsters are actually being sent out ‘on the swindle’ by their wives and female partners. The figures aren’t as clear cut as they first appear, especially if you muck about with them a bit.’

Shadow minister for women, Daphne Crisp says, ‘Too many women are being discouraged from going ‘on the fiddle’ by a perception that they won’t be able to pull off as convincing a con as a man. This is patently rubbish. After all, women have been successfully faking it to men for generations.’

Bill Jackson, 57, who has just booked a family holiday with Getaway to Gatwick Holidays, said he was looking forward to another airport holiday.

‘Last year we did a super Luton Leisure weekend. We find it better than flying somewhere because you don’t have to worry about the weather or being blown out of the skies but you still get that nearly had a holiday feeling.

‘Soon as you arrive at the airport you’re made to feel welcome. A pretty lady welcomes you with a nice body search, they take your shoes off, and you can get undressed if you make a fuss. This year they’re offering whole body scanners which will be just like standing up sun beds.’

‘The kids really enjoy all the excitement about the threat of terrorism and love telling the lady that they helped pack their own suitcases. They say sleeping on the floor is just like camping without the rain.’

Ms Jones said that Heathrow Holidays had pioneered the airport holiday concept and offered the best value for money.

‘Our Long Delay holidays are the most popular because there’s no restriction on how long they can last.

‘People booking with us know they’ve got the backing of BA and the Unite union in case anything goes wrong and they have the nuisance of having to fly somewhere foreign to spend two horrible weeks on a beach in the sun.’

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