‘It’s proving a real gifting hit with mums and imams everywhere,’ said Mattel CEO, Robert Eckert. ‘We’re particularly proud of the pull-string martyrdom feature. One tug, up go the arms, and Blow-Up Barbie runs forward screaming either ‘Allahu Akbar!’ or ‘Visit mattel.com for exclusive Barbie games and accessories’ before detonating her bomb vest. There’s no doubt it’s the new toy every child wants, and any kid lucky enough to get their hands on one will very soon afterwards be desperate to get what now remains of their hands on a replacement.’

Continued Eckert: ‘They’re getting a lot of bang for their buck too. Blow-up Barbie is not only packed with hours of entertainment, but also nails and a concentrated fertiliser-based explosive. The whole product reeks of quality – and also slightly of ammonium nitrate.’

With regards to accessories, Eckert says Mattel realised early on that an Islamic fundamentalist Barbie simply wouldn’t be complete – or allowed to be seen in public – without a new Ken to accompany her. ‘We’re very proud of our Islamist Ken. He has fully movable limbs and comes with little rocks and a flog to ‘correct’ Barbie if she leaves the house without her burqa on, or if the child decides to pretend that she might be thinking about getting an education.’

However, despite the doll’s success, Eckert has admitted that the product’s development and production hasn’t been entirely without its complications. ‘The whole venture has been something of a departure from the norm. Usually a big corporation like us would wait for our government to invade and homogenise a marketplace before releasing a normal Barbie that’s just a bit brown.’

‘By doing things this way we knew we’d have to take into account various religious and cultural sensitivities. In fact, we’ve already had to issue one product recall after complaints about the potential harm that could be caused to children by a faulty batch of Barbies showing too much ankle.’

‘It was exciting at the beginning and we couldn’t keep our hands off his campaign literature,’ said activist Sheila Timms, who has never been married to Gingrich. ‘All of us supporters were at it like rabbits – and by ‘at it’ I mean exchanging, all the hours that God sent, our thrilling, passionate, exciting views on abortion, immigrants and Big Government. Phew, it was exhausting! And I won’t pretend that those previous ethics violations of Newt’s didn’t add a certain frisson to the relationship.’

Other Gingrich supporters also agreed that he presented a powerful allure to red-blooded Republicans. ‘I saw Newt speak at a rally in Iowa and I’d never met a man with such stamina,’ said lifelong conservative Mimi Bendricks, tousling her hair with her fingers. ‘After spending twenty breathless minutes expounding on Obama’s Kenyan ancestry and his anti-colonialist foreign policy, a lesser candidate would have rolled over for a well-earned breather. But not Newt! He just climbed back on and hammered home his point even harder. The man was insatiable.’

But drooping polls are starting to show a waning in Gingrich’s staying power, and many supporters are now questioning their vows of loyalty. ‘When you meet someone who shares your own fetish viewpoint, it’s natural to think you’ve found ‘the one’,’ said Felicity Amherst, who admits to previous dalliances with John McCain and George W Bush. ‘But inevitably things start to go stale after a while, and then you wake up one day and realise the same old illiberal rhetoric just doesn’t do it for you anymore.’

‘It’s at that stage when I think both parties have to ask themselves whether it might be better if they were allowed to see other people,’ continued Felicity. ‘I mean, perhaps I’d like to hook up with Mitt Romney for a while, and if Newt wanted to see voters in other countries – perhaps consider running for office somewhere in South America or Asia – then I wouldn’t want to stand in his way. This is the 21st century after all.’

Abdul As Salam, 26, a pirate from the coastal town of Hobyo, was in despair last week after his boat was impounded by local officials for the third time in six months – this time because the ship’s propeller was not sufficiently shielded to prevent harm to sea mammals. ‘Last time they said the paint on my boat had too much lead in it, and I had to spend a month stripping it and repainting it, but every time they find a new excuse to stop me working.’

Other pirates are frustrated at the amount of paperwork required. Mohammed, also from Hobyo, explained that before he could go to sea, he needed to pass courses in safe rocket propelled grenade handling, water awareness safety course, time management at sea, accounts and bookkeeping introductory level, as well as providing evidence that he had full personal liability insurance.

But even with the correct paperwork Mohammed still landed up in trouble. ‘I was called in for an investigation. They spent six hours going over my boat, and caused me no end of grief over my machete. Apparently I shouldn’t use the same machete for severing the hands of uncooperative hostages and mutinous pirate crew that I use for making my sandwiches. They insisted that I stay in port until I had either two different machetes, or two different coloured and labelled chopping boards and a clear written policy for cleaning the blade after use.’

In addition to the health and safety rules, pirates have already been suffering from international rules banning the taking of undersized ships. Abdul reminisces – ‘I remember when the seas here were full of super tankers. Now, we’re lucky to get the odd lost German couple on a yacht, and we’re not even allowed to catch them any more!’

‘All we are asking for is a fair draw for the presents,’ continued the shepherd. ‘It’s the same story every year. We’re minding our own business, and the sheep, when we are woken by a golden host of angels telling us to ‘fear not’ and promising us ‘glad tidings’ if we go and visit a baby.’

‘So we wrap up a lamb, struggle down the green hillside (which is quite far away, I can tell you) and make our way to the Inn. Then we stick our secret Santa present under the manger, which serves as a makeshift Christmas tree, and invariably, we end up leaving with nothing other than some cow crap on our Jesus sandals.’

The shepherds are not the only participants to complain. Three gentile men arrived fashionably late carrying their seasonal contributions and found themselves leaving with nothing several hours later, older and wiser for their experience. ‘Do you know how much myrrh costs per litre these days?’ said one. ‘As usual we got nothing in return; not even that rather badly wrapped package that seemed to be baaing. I don’t know how we let ourselves get taken in every year. Next time, I’m just going to send them a Christmas card.’

Exactly what happened to all the Secret Santa presents remains something of a mystery. As the shepherds and wiser men appear to have been overlooked in the secret draw, the finger of suspicion seems to point to the father of the baby, one Joseph. ‘After all,’ commented the third shepherd, ‘it would be some kind of miracle if the baby had nicked the gifts.’

’2011 was a terrible year for them’ said Hansen. ‘They’ve lost the backbone of their team through assassinations and deaths – Bin Laden’s gone, Gadhafi’s hung up his boots and now their top goalscorer (according to him) Kim Jong Il’s dead as well. They need to bring in some quality despots if they’re going to carry on wreaking terror on the Western world.’

Hansen also questioned some of the succession decisions made by the Axis of Evil countries recently. ‘Kim Jong Un is no replacement for Kim Jong Il’ he complained. ‘He’s only 27, and he’s got very little experience of suppressing the human rights of an entire country and threatening his neighbours with a fledgling nuclear capability. You’ll never blow up anything with kids.’

The Scot also believes that the problems have been building for the last five years. ‘They never replaced Saddam Hussein when he died in 2006, and the writing’s been on the wall since then’ he said. ‘They didn’t have the strength in depth to cope with the tough schedule brought about by the Arab Spring, and now they’re paying the price. Now they’re left with an aging squad that’s badly in need of fresh blood, and new signings as well. There’s too much reliance on Ahmadinejad, and Assad’s form’s been woeful so far this season.’

Hansen wasn’t sure however who the Axis of Evil should be trying to sign. ‘There’s not a lot of talent out there to be honest. Most politicians and leaders are used to democratic formations these days, and they probably wouldn’t be able to cope with a dictatorial set up. The rumour mill is saying that Sarkozy could be seeking a new country in the Summer, and of course Berlusconi’s been transfer listed, but they’re both coming towards the end of their careers now and quite frankly wouldn’t last five minutes. Putin might be a safe pair of hands, but Nick Clegg might be a good option for them. He’s fallen out with his current gaffer, and he’s always handy to blame all your problems on if nothing else.’

Manchester City boss Roberto Mancini agreed with Hansen, and was quick to suggest Carlos Tevez as a possible signing. ‘His salary is on a par with the GDP of most third world countries, he’s very good at falling out with people and he seems to like having other people to all the running around for him whilst he just sits on the bench’ said Mancini. ‘He’d be a perfect despotic dictator.’

‘If there’s one thing this country needs,’ Perry told his audience, ‘it’s a President who has clear values and a clear vision of where our nation is heading. And that is what I offer the people of…, the people of… Oh boy, just give me a minute, will you?’

A flustered Perry then groped about in vain for the name of the world’s most prominent superpower which it has always been his dream to lead. ‘It was on the tip of my tongue then it suddenly went. It’s not Canada is it? No, of course it’s not, I’m just kidding with you. Mexico, got to be. No? Really? But there’s so many of them about. Jeez, well where the hell are we, then? Look, can I come back to you on that?’

Although Perry later remembered that it was the USA he hoped to become President of, there were signs that the memory problem may be spreading after his backers and campaign staff suddenly couldn’t recall the name of the candidate they were going to vote for.

Perry’s gaffe gave new impetus to Newt Gingrich’s campaign which has now been endorsed by Union Leaders, although concerns remain over whether he is fit to lead the GOP after his view that ‘Obama is out of touch with the way the world works’, bounced around the room awhile, stuck its tongue out and landed squarely back on his face after he couldn’t find an answer to a journalist’s question on exactly which ‘world’ he was referring to.

Ultimately, as one by one the prospective candidates fall by the wayside, the 2012 republican presidential nomination seems to be whittling down to the last remaining icon of the American conservative right. Behind the scenes, and with a sense of desparation, pragmatic true-blood Republican coordinators such as Diego Kowalski have already abandoned the possibility of a credible human candidate and begun the search for a suitable slice of apple pie, cooked by someone’s Mom, to take the Democrats on.

‘It’s either that or something equally, proudly American,’ added Kowalski, ‘like the good, white, upstanding American turkey Obama just pardoned on Thanksgiving.’

Israel, with full backing from the United States has warned of reprisals if its position as top green energy provider in the region is undermined. Prime Minister Netenyahu has already ratcheted up the pressure threatening pre-emptive programmes of gigantic arrays of solar panels which automatically follow the sun but which, he assured assembled media, would at certain times of the day be pointing directly at Tehran. He also refused to rule out building a high wall or fast-growing hedge around Israel’s borders to obscure the worst of the view and keep out the noise.

Experts believe the Iranian turbines if allowed to run as intended could produce in excess of 80KWh, a fraction of the energy unleashed in an entirey unrelated incident at Hiroshima. The hard-line Iranian regime, however, insists its wind energy programme is purely for the benefit of the Iranian people and is essential if it is to meet its target of twenty percent of energy production from renewables by the end of 2030. It also dismissed as ‘Zionist nonsense’ the idea that wind power could be switched on in less than forty five minutes, or that Tel Aviv would be kept awake by the incessant hum.

Yet many analysts believe the global condemnation will make little difference and that the prospect of a world in which an Islamic turbine operates at two hundred revolutions per minute within 150 miles of the Jewish state is now a foregone conclusion. Western governments have already begun blacklisting the Iranian central bank in a bid to halt funding for the project although the turbines’ German manufacturer has been allowed to continue contact as it has a lovely little computer virus which it is sure will allow the turbines to spin so fast that they come off their axles.

Ali Al Chakrabati, a spokesman for the Iranian regime last night hit back at the sanctions saying none of this would have happened if Israel hadn’t erected a great big mobile phone mast next to the Gaza Strip. ‘This is an argument that we do not want but if they want to pursue it who knows where it will end,’ he said. ‘We’ll talk about it, try and find a solution, and if all that fails and it starts getting personal, we’ll lob some nuclear missiles at them. We already have plenty of those.’

Baron had spent months planning her expedition, and took advice from Ranulph Fiennes. ‘Ranulph is a lovely man, and has a lot of experience at failing to get to the Poles’ said Baron, ‘he was very generous with his time. We spent over a month together training, by the end of it I almost felt like I knew him, despite him not having a Facebook account.’

Baron partly blames Fiennes for her failure, as she heeded his advice to undergo the expedition in Summer. ‘The 24 hour glare of the Antarctic Summer sun made it almost impossible to see the screen on a smart phone’ complained Baron. ‘No wonder nobody lives there. After the first day, I’d only covered 60 metres. Having to pitch my tent three times an hour just to try and see if Stephen Fry had tweeted about me was exhausting. And I couldn’t even update my status with a frowny face.’

Mobile data signals are notoriously weak in the South Pole, but that didn’t stop Baron from fiddling with her phone almost constantly. ‘I was very keen to tweet my progress, but I never saw more than one bar, all the time I was there’ she confided. ‘Fortunately, that didn’t stop me from playing Angry Birds.’

The record for the youngest expedition to the South Pole was set by Andrew Cooney in 2003, at the tender age of 23. Few think his achievement will ever be bettered. ‘Cooney set his record almost a year before the launch of Facebook, and a full three years before Twitter’ confirmed Ben Fogle, who completed the inaugural 2009 South Pole Race, with only a full BBC film crew to show off to.

‘Cooney’s planning was meticulous, he even managed to get out there before MySpace’ enthused Fogle, ‘It’s hard to understand where he got his motivation from. When we look back at his achievements we can only imagine the hardships he put up with, although he did keep a very detailed diary. I doubt we’ll ever see that sort of attention span again.’

Baron hasn’t given up yet, and is planning a second attempt before time runs out. ‘I really want to do something with my life, something that will make people sit up and take notice, and inspire them to follow me on Twitter’ said Baron, as she distractedly held her mobile above her head, and squinted at it. ‘The signal in here is rubbish. I’m just going outside, I may be some time.’