‘This man was a menace,’ Blofeld told reporters. ‘Despite being armed with only a service revolver, he somehow tunnelled into my lair using a helicopter that converted itself into a submarine and got within 50 yards of the clock that was counting down the seconds until I launch nuclear warheads at the world’s capitals.’

Other super-villains have joined in the chorus of condemnation, arguing that although Blofeld was within his rights to shoot Bond through the head without delay, it was in violation of the spirit of the game. Blofeld himself, however, is unrepentant.

‘He killed seven of my henchmen. Do you know how much henchmen cost in Iceland, even with all those unemployed bank clerks?’ asked the scarred Germanic egotist. ‘What was I meant to do? Rig him up to some Heath Robinson contraption he could get out of? Give him a guided tour and explain my world domination scheme to him?’

Blofeld and his team considered leaving Bond in the custody of his sulky blonde girlfriend, who was wandering around the base in a bikini. However, after a brief debate during which those who advocated this course were fed to piranhas, the decision was taken to kill him without delay. Blofeld admits that personal animus towards the British upper classes played a role in his decision.

‘I hate the supercilious smirks on those public schoolboys’ faces. ‘Do you expect me to talk?’ he says. Well, I told him straight ‘No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die’ and blew his brains out on the spot. That shut the fucker up,’ said Blofeld. ‘Now nothing can stop me from taking over the whole world, do you hear me? Nothing! Oh sod it, that bloody cat has gone and pissed all over my lap again.’

Operation ‘Dans La Merde’ has been monitoring the activities of suspected Francophiles for the last 18 months, gathering evidence on a number of ringleaders believed to be responsible for running websites dedicated to the trade in sickening photos of historic French landmarks and idyllic rural scenery.

UK police forces across several counties were involved in the sting operation, supported by members of Interpol and the English Tourist Board. During one early morning raid on a mobile home near the port of Dover, police captured 3 laptop computers as well as large numbers of CDs, materials for making baguettes and pains au chocolat, wine bottles both full and empty, and what can only be described as a range of soft cheeses.

The owners of the camper van are believed to be a Mr and Mrs Harvey (48 and 45) from Kent, who have a long record of promoting the French lifestyle and who were about to embark on a 3 week trip around Picardy, Normandy and the Loire Valley to seek out likely sites for other Francophiles to set up 2nd homes. Mr & Mrs Harvey were arrested by French police last summer and charged with grooming locals in an attempt to gain their trust before retired middle-class British people inveigled themselves into their communities.

At a similar site in Felixstowe, another couple were arrested while trying to escape to the relative safety of the supermarkets of Boulogne. Police believe that the couple were involved in an illegal smuggling operation to bring good quality meats and seafood into the UK.

Jenny Taylor, spokeswoman for the ETB said, ‘This is the most significant operation of its kind in years. We believe that today’s operation has made a giant leap towards eradicating these disgusting practices, and will go a long way towards stopping the spread of French culture and quality goods in our country’.

The head of the UK police operations, Detective Chief Inspector Ridley said that he was pleased that so much had been achieved but issued a stern warning to anyone who may be thinking of dabbling in Francophile practices. ‘We are ever vigilant, we can track your every move and we will catch you. There is no room for this kind of repulsive continental behaviour in this country. Frenchiness will not prevail on my watch’.

When questioned about reports that several of the main targets of today’s raids had evaded capture, DCI Ridley shrugged and said ‘Pah, c’est la vie’.

‘The whale should fry’ said one Republican demonstrator outside the famous theme park. ‘He’s just a cold-blooded murderer. Oh no, warm blooded, it’s sharks who are cold blooded isn’t it? But how did the parole board not spot that this whale was a killer? It must have been written somewhere on his file.’ Others were angry that liberal do-gooders had allowed the killer to be kept in luxurious conditions while he was in captivity. ‘He was fed his favourite fish all day, given brightly coloured balls and hoops to play with. They even gave him a large pair of glasses to swim around with. It was like a pleasure park in there.’

Florida currently has the death penalty for first degree murder, but apparently does not have an electric chair big enough for the whale. The state had been toying with hanging, but when they prepared an enormous noose, the whale just jumped out of the pool and through the loop, to the rapturous applause of the audience.

The orca’s lawyers are currently appealing against the execution. ‘No way was this murder,’ said the defence lawyer, who is claiming that the media’s use of the phrase ‘killer whale’ is prejudicial to the case. ‘The Compassionate Whale and the trainer had an unwritten agreement. We’re claiming this was assisted suicide’.

NewsBiscuit (One line Ian Searle)

Under the new system, terrorists can walk into a full body scanner that will identify their cause, their mission and what kind of explosives they are carrying. At this stage the machine issues them with a boarding pass. ‘Admittedly the self scan system does rely on the terrorists being honest and handing themselves in,’ said Home Secretary Alan Johnson, ‘but I am told that most of them are pretty devout.’

However, critics say the system is far from perfect. ‘These scanners do not always recognise terrorists,’ said Gatwick check-in assistant Kimberly Smalls, ‘last week we had one terrorist who came up as ‘item unknown’. I tried to scan him three times before eventually having to type him in manually. Then I had to ask him how to spell ‘martyr’. It was all very embarrassing.’

Other proposals include the introduction of a ‘10 Suspicious Items or Less Check-In’. ‘This is an absolute godsend’, said one terrorist, ‘We don’t usually bring much with us and it’s such a nightmare being stuck behind a family pushing a trolleys of holiday luggage. But try telling them that there’s no point bringing any of it on board. Will they listen?’

Meanwhile Luton airport have been piloting a ‘help-with-your-packing’ service. ‘These terrorists have no idea how to pack,’ said check-in assistant Edna Sparks, ‘Many of them just shove a bomb down their pants without even thinking about the consequences. That’s why I’m here to help them pack their explosives sensibly and without causing any unsightly creasing.’

‘We need to accept that terrorists are now part of modern life,’ said Mr Johnson, ‘That is why we have decided to fast track them. If I thought it would speed things up I would give them their own planes but I don’t suppose we’d ever see them again.’

‘We’d been looking to strengthen the squad for a while, and this’ll really increase the competition for places,’ said Islam’s manager Allah today. ‘Fair play to him, Jesus has got a lovely touch, especially with the sick and the poor, and I think the lad’s shown that he’s prepared to put the team first. Some say his best years are behind him, but I reckon he’s due a return to form before he hangs up his sandals, and at the end of the day it’ll just be great to have a player of his calibre in and around the dressing room.’

Jesus was scouted by many of the big faiths in his early days, but it was playing for the Christians in the early seasons of the first millennium that he really made a name for himself with some dazzling on-field miracles. ‘He played that floating role on waterlogged pitches better than anyone,‘ said one fan. ’Mind you, he wasn’t very strong in the tackle, always preferring to turn the other cheek, but he was pretty handy as a physio. Broken legs, leprosy, you name it – he soon had the lads back on their feet with nothing more than a dab of the magic sponge.’

Jesus was today looking forward to a new dawn in his career. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a great time turning out every Sunday for Christianity, but the time’s now right to move out of my comfort zone and try something new.‘

But despite the excitement, some Muslim fans wonder whether his body is still up to the demands of the modern game. ‘It’s the fixture list that’s the worry. I remember they rushed him back for a cameo just three days after he picked up a knock in the Good Friday clash. That ruled him out for a while.‘

The family of the late King of Fakumba, have apparently sent ‘dozens’ of emails to suitable ‘good and responsible’ people across the UK offering them a share of the fortune, in return for a mere £2500. But as of yet, there has been no response.

Queen Echinacea and her daughter the Princess Jasmine are now concerned that people suspect the offer is too good to be true.

‘It is very strange, maybe people are unaware of the Kingdom of Fakumba, as we admittedly are a very small nation,’ the Queen remarked, ‘but we are easy enough to find, being north of South Africa and east of Nigeria. Despite being a very small country we are rich in oil, gas, gold, diamonds and numerous other precious stones, and it is perhaps unusual that more people aren’t aware of our homeland.’

The Fakumba royal family are now in hiding, but had managed to withdraw over GBP4.6million from bank accounts before the monarchy was overthrown in a military coup led by the former head of the army General Madeupi,

‘I really cannot stress how important it is that we receive the money we need to flee to Europe,’ begs the Queen in her email, ‘where we will be so happy to reward our saviour with half the money to say thank you for their assistance. My beautiful daughter Jasmine would certainly be willing to do anything for any man out there prepared to help us. However, for now we remain trapped in a safehouse in the hills of Fakumba, with my late husband’s vast fortune hidden in four large pillowcases.’

The lack of respondents has been blamed on a new cynicism surrounding the veracity of the internet, and echoes the case of Dr Augustus Shenckelmann who has personally emailed thousands of people to promote a new cream proven to tackle erectile dysfunction. ‘It’s incredible,’ sighs Dr Shenckelmann, ‘it’s almost as if people are not really interested in the latest developments in penile technology.’

However, the rising number of men qualifying for martyrdom has come as a surprise to officials in the afterlife and has left a large hole in the available virgin population. Some martyrs have complained about having to share virgins while others are being offered unsuitable alternatives, such as other martyred young men, dead nuns, and in one case, a sack of drowned puppies.

‘It’s a bloody disgrace’, said the late Mohammed Iqbal Al Qatani, who blew himself up last month at a police station in southern Helmand. ‘I feel short changed. This isn’t what I signed up for. I’ve written to trading standards you know’.

Mr Al Qatani reviews his allocation of virgins with some despondency. Among their number are several that have clearly been around the afterlife a few times. Beside them is a group of 15 schoolgirls aged between 7 and 12. ‘Do they want me to end up on some kind of register?’ bemoaned the dead Muslim.

Mr Al Qatani plans to take his complaint further, and has written to the BBC Watchdog programme. ‘I want everyone to know just what a rip off this whole martyrdom business is’ he went on. ‘Look at this lot. I’ve even got Mother Theresa and Pope John Paul II’.

‘If I’d known what was really on offer I would have thought twice about strapping that semtex to my underpants. It’s not so much the shortage of nubile young women that sticks in my craw, but who in hell would want to spend eternity with 32 World of Warcraft gamers?’

Addressing the hundreds of millions of Catholics around the world, Pope Benedict forthrightly acknowledged that while the Church was a bit slow in recognising the scientific findings of Copernicus and Galileo in the past, at least they didn’t claim to have a scientific mind while still checking their horoscopes in The Mirror. Then, to a great fanfare of incense and dry ice, Pope Benedict was joined on the balcony by Professor Dawkins, who delivered a searing indictment of everyone that has ever had a dinner party conversation about his book ‘The God Delusion’ but concluded that despite the drawbacks of organised religion ‘there must be something out there…’. His concluding remarks ‘shit or get off the pot, for Christ’s sake’ were greeted by an enthusiastic high five from the Apostolic See.

The collaboration between the two men, previously in fierce opposition, led to questions being asked about a possible shift in the thinking of the Pope, which were quickly downplayed by the Vatican: ‘In an ecumenical world, the Catholic Church has always strived to find common ground, but in answer to the many enquiries we have received, I can confirm that the Pope is indeed still Catholic, and that this detente extends only so far as mutual contempt for people willing to give homeopathy a go who also get pissy about the idea of water being turned into wine,’ declared spokesman Monsignor Flavelli, ‘and as to the Church’s views on the eternal souls of atheists, and whether we think they’re ultimately going to burn in hell with the Jews, Muslims and Methodists? Well, as we like to say here in the Vatican, ‘is Professor Dawkins a gobby trumped up zoologist?’’