Accepting the award on behalf of the planet, ex-EastEnders actor Joe Swash acknowledged there had been tough competition this year. ‘I thought the intergalactic 100-year paint drying convention of the Triangulum Galaxy was a massive favourite, but to be recognised as even more pointless than that is a real honour.’

Other events in the category included the mass suicide of the Amoeba people of Alpha Centauri and the Liberal Democrat party conference of 2008. The British Soap Awards was also nominated for the Most Awful Event in the Universe category but missed out to a Rod Stewart concert from 1987.

theinvisiblecitychannels

Owner of CJ’s News & Booze, Chris Johnson, set up the business in 1994 and has filed meticulous tax returns ever since, never even claiming for items that were genuinely deductable under HMRC regulations. When confronted over the findings Mr Johnson admitted that he was ‘ashamed’ of his actions.

‘In a way it’s a relief to finally have this out in the open. I’ve spent the last 18 years hiding my tax dealings from my family and friends and I feel like I’ve let them all down,’ said the tax-dodging-dodger. ‘The only thing I can say to try to redeem myself is that I have been claiming disability benefit and job seeker’s allowance since 1978.’

Campaigners say that the worrying trend has led to a big increase in young girls and boys logging on to ‘pro-curvy’ websites where they can swap tips on how to add calories to their meals and cut PE classes at school, as well as buy posters of fat role models which are ruthlessly marketed as ‘an essential addition to any child’s bedroom wall, and a tasty after-dinner snack’.  Doctors have also noted a rise in cases of children with pro-eating disorders, with many youngsters lying to friends and family about how much they’ve eaten to ‘talk up’ their obesity.

Patricia Airey, mother of ten-year-old Rainbow, backs Save the Children’s campaign.  ‘I’m forever telling Rainbow that she’s perfect just as she is, but she’s always looking at herself in the mirror and complaining about being too thin.  She keeps asking when her muffin tops and love handles are going to develop.  It breaks my heart.  Kids grow out so fast these days.’

‘If I’m honest, though,’ she went on, ‘Rainbow may be a bit on the slim side, but she doesn’t listen when I tell her it’s what’s on the inside that counts.  ‘All that’s on the inside is a full English breakfast, two pasties, four packets of crisps and a king-size mars bar,’ she shouts at me, ‘and that’s just not enough these days, mum!’  I wish I had the money to give her the start in life she deserves.’

But Children, Schools and Families Secretary Ed Balls was unapologetic about the Government’s drive to bulk up the younger generation.  ‘The Americans are way out in front, even when we’re stood shoulder-to-shoulder, so we’ve got a lot of ground to make up.  And there’s no point being top of the European league table for teenage pregnancies if the children we’re bringing into the world are only normally proportioned,’ he said today at the launch of a new scheme allowing teenage schoolchildren to exchange contraceptives for cake.

The victim told reporters that earlier that evening he had been the subject of a series of bitingly waspish remarks from what had either been two men and a woman, one man and two women, three very effeminate men or three very butch women. Their comments, which were of a ribald nature, were accompanied by a lot of ‘oohs’ and ‘ahs’ and high-pitched shrieking.

The man, who was singled out by the group for looking a bit ‘buildery’, had been drinking in the Queen’s Head, which was known to be popular with local heterosexuals. After leaving the pub, and on his way to a nearby lapdancing club, he was cornered and subjected to a series of unprovoked slaps.

Despite his cries of ‘oi’ the victim continued to receive further poorly co-ordinated blows, accompanied by more remarks in Polari about his interest in ‘lady parts’. His attackers then left the scene laughing outrageously.

While his assailants remain unidentified, police have said that CCTV footage of the attack shows it was unremittingly camp. Several passers-by merely stopped to admire the attackers’ outfits before walking on.

Det Sgt John Hoskins, who is leading the case, said: ‘This was an appallingly bitchy attack. A young man was singled out simply because he favours the vagina. Incidents such as this remind us that anti-heterosexual violence must not be tolerated.’

Last month, four angry lesbians from Gloucester were sentenced to three months each for ‘straight bashing’ a 26-year-old housewife. The dykes admitted taunting the woman about her lack of motorcycle repair skills and then accused her of ‘taking it up the front bum’.

Bill Butler, a student at the University of West London, said: ‘I try not to walk around in public with my girlfriend holding hands, it’s just too dangerous. I’ve had friends bitched at in public, normally by more than one gay. We shouldn’t have to go around pretending to like Dusty Springfield, to act like we care about Eurovision or worrying endlessly about our skin care regime.’

Campaigner Tony Tucker said: ‘For a lot of straight people it’s simply not an option to get back in the closet; often because it’s now filled with stacked heels and shiny hotpants.’

‘Most young boys dream of winning trophies or scoring in a World Cup final, but when I was little I always dreamt of feeling powerless as a superior team effortlessly swept us aside,’ said winger Theo Walcott. ‘At night, before I go to sleep, I picture myself tearing down the wing and our strikers in the box, then imagine hitting a calamitous cross that goes for a throw in.’

But Spurs manager Andre Villas-Boas remains stoical. ‘We’re disappointed, but we still have the Europa League to fail in. If we take it seriously enough we might actually lose to a pub team from Andorra or somewhere, which will trump anything Arsenal do next season. Provided they don’t re-sign Philippe Senderos.’

Hooch

‘I distinctly heard him not say it, and in fact on the way home I clearly recall saying to my wife, “It’s a good thing Lord Feldman didn’t call our activists ‘swivel-eyed loons’ at today’s event”. To which she replied ‘Can we have a bigger house and another car?’” 

Continued Shapps: ‘I think I also heard Lord Feldman not saying “nobody buys nougat any more” and ”my accountant looks like Molly Weir”. And I want to be clear that at no time did he say that a sweep is lucky as lucky can be. I found these omissions less noteworthy than the ones related to constituency members, who we all agree do a damn good job.’

Clive Tuck, who represented Bickersly South, is reported to have driven his car off a cliff at a secluded beauty spot after first lashing his hands to the wheel and consuming an entire bottle of whiskey.

Mr Tuck’s death comes less than 48 hours after fellow Tory rebel John Whitcroft was found decapitated whilst mowing trees at his country estate; while junior Minister Malcolm Burke was discovered floating in Bassenthwaite Lake after undertaking a fishing trip at three in the morning.

Mr Cameron said: “We have lost valued, albeit treacherous, colleagues. But I think we should avoid jumping to conclusions about how these unrelated and entirely accidental deaths occurred. No-one ever really quits the Conservative party and I like to think that this is something they realised just before the end.”

Detective Chief Inspector Mike Blunt, who is leading the enquiry, said: “None of these men had a history of taking their own lives, but nevertheless we cannot rule out the possibility of suicide. It is odd, I’ll grant you, but then so is the fact that it is impossible to lick your own elbow and yet you can’t blame that on the government whips.”

Conservative Parliamentary private secretary Gavin Stork resigned in order to take part in the vote, and told the BBC that many Eurosceptic rebels are now in fear of their lives. He said: “I just don’t know who to trust. Every time I hear someone at the door I think it must be William Hague, here to give me a going over in the style of an even blander and more monotonous George Smiley.

“Of course, we aren’t engaged in some sort of vendetta,” said Mr Cameron. “Let me make one thing perfectly clear, people are entitled to their own differing and often dangerous views. I’m sure the conspiracy nuts and other cranks will have a field day trying to link these brutual accidents with the EU vote. However, I would much rather offer my heartfelt condolences to the families of the four, sorry, three people who have died thus far.”

When should I call 202?

When you have a fairly small fire that hasn’t killed anyone or caused you too much trouble so far. For example:

• If coal has fallen onto the hearth rug and your husband is having difficulty putting the flames out.

• Your chip pan is on fire and less than half of the kitchen blind is currently in flames.

• Any of your friends or family have spontaneously combusted.

• A kitten is stuck in a very small shrub or bonsai.

• You, or somebody you know, is an arsonist.