The company announced ‘we’ve been using these ‘volunteers’ to make our clothes for years, so it makes sense to bring them front and centre in our retail operations.’

Recruitment, storage and transport problems have been encountered but are said to have now been addressed, with these functions being outsourced to companies in Bristol and Liverpool who have ‘previous experience in these markets’.

Criticism of the plans as ‘cynical and racist’ has been rejected by Tesco, who pointed out that they are an equal opportunities employer and will use volunteers of any gender, race or creed.

Sainsbury’s has denied that they will be following their rival into the slave market, but the Co-op is thought to be exploring a Fair Trade and organic option.

timthelibrarian

‘Everyone does it’ says Ms Alex Cribley a science teacher from North London. ‘On the bus I sit next to my friend Ms Simpson who is head of year at another school. I just copy my Self-Evaluation Form off of her. Same with Fisher Family Trust stats and the English as an Additional Language and Special Educational Needs figures. I usually make one or two numbers slightly different so I don’t get caught.’

Government funding based on all this data has been criticized for failing to hit the right areas of pupil need, but an un-named source at the Department of Education said teachers weren’t to blame for this. ‘It’s because the minister just copied his regional allocations off the Minister for Health.’

jof

As a consequence of being the only Briton to medal at the Vancouver games last month, the 27-year-old from Bath has been widely tipped as a shoo-in for a Damehood in June, when the Queen’s Birthday Honours List is announced. Some have even predicted that Miss Williams will lift the much coveted BBC Sports Personality of the Year for 2010. However, Prince Harry’s bestowal of the royal ‘would’ has come as a complete surprise to most pundits, primarily because the honour didn’t actually exist until today. The closest award on record is when swimming star Rebecca Adlington was awarded a Royal ‘Wouldn’t’.

In a statement issued through Buckingham Palace today, the Prince stated that: ‘Miss Williams is to receive her award for services to Lycra clad babeliciousness, selflessly providing a welcome change to the usual lard-arsed Eastern European munters, and – in the face of an overwhelmingly dull winter sport – consistently managing to keep red blooded males up all night.’ The citation simply concludes with: ‘Amy Williams? I would!’

In a break with tradition, rather than the Palace, Miss Williams is to receive her honour on Tuesday afternoon next week, during a private investiture ceremony to be held in the Travelodge Hotel, at the Chieveley Services, just off the M4 near Newbury.

The town council has agonised for years in search of a suitable retort. The suggestion to drop ’Regis’ from the town’s name was met with general indifference, whilst a boycott of the 1982 broadcast of the Royal Variety performance failed to have any impact on the viewing figures.

However, Bognor’s mayor Ken Middleton explained that ‘the people of Bognor have decided at last that it’s time to move on. We realise now that the Royals have far more problems than we do, and really deserve our sympathy. Hopefully our forgiveness will help them in their difficult times.’

‘We still won’t be eating any Duchy Originals though’ he added.

The decision follows reports that there are serious design flaws in the cosmos that are preventing it from achieving its full potential. ‘The Universe is perfectly safe,’ insisted God, ‘but people need to remember that it is a prototype and, at this early stage, there will be some teething problems.’ Stephen Hawking disagreed however, and described God’s creation as ‘riddled with black holes.’

The closure is just the latest in a long line of problems to dog the Universe ever since it began operating 13.7 billion years ago, most notably the controversial recall of millions of galaxies found to have faulty gravity.

Engineering work begins in late 2011 during which time a replacement bus service will be running.

A Norfolk man has blamed the global credit crunch and sub-prime debacle as justification for refusing to lend his lawnmower to his 84 year old neighbour. Council worker, Derek Sharp, 48, said he ‘wasn’t prepared to compromise his assets’ during what he described as ‘this period of uncertainty and turbulence.’

His bewildered neighbour, Jack Flowers, said he was ‘shocked and saddened’ by Mr Sharp’s refusal, especially as he had borrowed the Flymo many times during the eight years the two men have lived side by side in the terraced street in Fakenham. ‘I can’t understand it,’ said Mr Flowers. ‘I was looking forward to mowing the lawn for the first time this spring and I asked Derek if I could borrow the mower, as I have done dozens of times before. This time he just muttered something about ‘fiscal tightening’ and shut the door in my face. Well, I didn’t know what to do.’

Pressed to explain his actions after many unblemished years of generosity to his widowed war-veteran neighbour, Mr Sharp said: ‘I know it may seem harsh, but we are facing a crisis on the world financial markets and none of us are immune. Like millions of others around the world, I’ve had to review my lending criteria and I’ve decided that handing out my lawn mower willy nilly is just plain irresponsible.’ Mr Sharp pointed to the high profile cases of Northern Rock and Bear Stearns as justification for his prudence.

Last night, B&Q issued a statement saying the company was considering increasing the supply of mowers into its stores this summer in a bid to ease fears of a national mower lending crisis. A spokesman said: ‘We’re watching developments carefully. Mower lending is based on trust and confidence and we need to be prepared if the practice dries up.’

Meanwhile, Mr Flowers, has found salvation from a rather heavy old push mower lent to him by his grandson. ‘He’s a good lad…’ said the decorated war veteran, ‘And he only deducted a £7.50 handling charge on the £100 deposit, which isn’t bad in the current economic climate.’

See also:

Pensioners’ website being targetted by teenage groomers

‘This man was a menace,’ Blofeld told reporters. ‘Despite being armed with only a service revolver, he somehow tunnelled into my lair using a helicopter that converted itself into a submarine and got within 50 yards of the clock that was counting down the seconds until I launch nuclear warheads at the world’s capitals.’

Other super-villains have joined in the chorus of condemnation, arguing that although Blofeld was within his rights to shoot Bond through the head without delay, it was in violation of the spirit of the game. Blofeld himself, however, is unrepentant.

‘He killed seven of my henchmen. Do you know how much henchmen cost in Iceland, even with all those unemployed bank clerks?’ asked the scarred Germanic egotist. ‘What was I meant to do? Rig him up to some Heath Robinson contraption he could get out of? Give him a guided tour and explain my world domination scheme to him?’

Blofeld and his team considered leaving Bond in the custody of his sulky blonde girlfriend, who was wandering around the base in a bikini. However, after a brief debate during which those who advocated this course were fed to piranhas, the decision was taken to kill him without delay. Blofeld admits that personal animus towards the British upper classes played a role in his decision.

‘I hate the supercilious smirks on those public schoolboys’ faces. ‘Do you expect me to talk?’ he says. Well, I told him straight ‘No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die’ and blew his brains out on the spot. That shut the fucker up,’ said Blofeld. ‘Now nothing can stop me from taking over the whole world, do you hear me? Nothing! Oh sod it, that bloody cat has gone and pissed all over my lap again.’

Speculation has been rife that the two country’s ‘special relationship’ has been on the rocks since last year when the US refused to speak to the UK at the G20 summit and was pictured in talks with a number of other countries.

The US told Heat that it had had enough of waiting for the UK to fully commit. ‘Sure, we’ve had our good times, like those trips to Iraq and Afghanistan, but all that time it spends with those EU and Commonwealth countries – we just don’t think they’re ready to settle down.’

The UK was keen to stress that it was a mutual decision that it is entirely happy with and ‘wasn’t just America’s idea at all’.