With male viewing figures falling as low as 8 during recent episodes of ‘The Voice’, the BBC hopes to free up their flagship channels for similarly uninclusive programmes.

Viewers shouldn’t notice much of an increase in repeats, as shows about ‘Wearing Clothes’, ‘Making Cooking Seem More Complicated Than Necessary’ or ‘Slagging Off That Bitch Sandra Behind Her Back’ are surprisingly cheap to make.

‘For too long, we’ve made programmes that some men can just about manage to sit through’, confirmed Director of Venusian Transmissions Deborah Tankard. ‘By removing any possibility of there being something on next that they might enjoy, there’s hope that we can banish them to a portable radio in the shed indefinitely’, she explained.

Trials into showing no Premiership matches and hardly any Formula 1 have been successful, and Tankard hopes to eventually isolate sport entirely to Radio 5 Live.

The BBC will continue to fill its schedule with programmes that can only be enjoyed by children, most of them presented by Richard Hammond, Nicky Campbell or Jeremy Vine. ‘As a public service broadcaster, we should do exactly what we want, and then give you the silent treatment, if you dare to bring it up’, said Tankard. ‘Trust me, it’s an important lesson for any man to learn.’

With the majority of men now terrified that looking at cars or football makes them sexist or a bigot, Tankard believes she is winning her argument using ‘hearts and mindgames’. Meanwhile, Sky has reported record viewing figures for their latest TV series, which depicts rednecks shooting alligators at strippers while they sup bourbon through a jet engine.

Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, has publically complained after the DFS sale was extended by 2 days this weekend. The additional time allowed Manchester City manager, Roberto Mancini, to go into the shop 5 minutes before closure on Monday and purchase a 3 seater sofa and matching footstool.

‘It’s a disgrace’,fumed Ferguson. ‘The length of the sale was clearly advertised on TV. We shopped accordingly and, by the end of Sunday, we had a lovely vibrating armchair with head massage settings. Mmmmmm. Anyway, the sale should have ended there and then – I have informed the Advertising Standards Agenecy.

Mancini rubbished Ferguson’s complaints ‘He is conveniently forgetting the 1999 Vodka drinking contest in Barcelona. By closing time, the party from Munich had drunk him under the table, but he somehow persuaded the bar to stay open until he had got a couple of extra shots in. Actually, to be fair, he probably wouldn’t remember that…’

seymour totti

Middleton beat off some stiff opposition, including Katie Price, a wire coat hanger and Hello Kitty, whose agents were said to be demanding a seven figure transfer fee.

Disney has confirmed that the Duchess will undergo a number of cosmetic alterations for the post, including a 9 inch neck extension and foot binding. Her eyes have been prized open into a look of permanent wonderment. She is also receiving tuition in how to faint if she sees a boy take his top off.

Disney spokesman Dan Hogston says he believes she is perfect for the part. ‘Middleton can already make adult women feel like crap about their body shape. Now she can make a whole new generation jealous and resentful; if only we could stop her from shopping at Primark.’

‘Lance Johnson has long had a reputation as the bad boy of the sport,’ said the governing body’s president, Jack Carter. ‘From the moment he appeared on the scene – popping out from behind the sofa – it was obvious that we were looking at a prodigiously talented hider and seeker, but his talent was matched only by his lack of respect for the rules of the sport. I’d always warned him that it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.’

Johnson’s 1997 world championship win was shrouded in controversy amid allegations that he waterboarded the first hider he found in order to extract information on the whereabouts of the remaining contestants, and that he made it harder for his opponents to conceal themselves by forcing them to wear bright orange boiler suits. His other infractions include fines for failing to announce ‘Ready or not, here I come!’ at the start of contests, and once tricking hiders to come out by falsely declaring a game to be over because it was dinner time.

‘Johnson’s behaviour became increasingly erratic after he lost the top spot to Osama bin Laden in 2001,’ continued Carter, ‘and ultimately we were left with no choice other than to impose a life ban. We have to send a clear message that shooting fellow contestants in the eye, thereby severely affecting their seeking capabilities, simply isn’t acceptable in top-flight competition.’

Following the tragedy, bin Laden was given the traditional hide-and-seeker’s send-off as his body was tipped overboard into the sea as his fellow contestants respectfully covered their eyes and counted to one hundred.

Vertically Challenged Giant (hat-tip to Qoxiivi)

8th May 2011

The ceremony, attended by a host of Mail dignitaries, was held in the newspaper’s London HQ. Over a dozen figures gathered round a TV set broadcasting pictures of Mr Hollande live from the effete and decadent surroundings of the Elysee Palace, where he began his reign of left-wing terror this morning.

During the proceedings, a rainbow of expletives were issued towards the new French leader by the assembled journalists, beginning with some informal messages about ‘lazy Frogs’ and culminating in the formal proclamation of Mr Hollande as ‘that intransigent French Socialist bastard’ by the paper’s editor, Paul Dacre.

‘In the 108 years since the Entente f***ing Cordiale, these f***ers have elected c**t after c**t to be their leader, each time sticking two fingers up at the British in their evil attempts to submerge us in a federal Europe,’ said Mr Dacre in a moving address. ‘That f***er de Gaulle, then that lecherous b****rd Mitterand, that f***ing crook Chirac, and now they’ve chucked out that titchy bugger Sarko and brought in this bespectacled Commie f**kwit. Well we say, bonne chance, you speccy French git.’

Mr Hollande was said to be ‘very moved’ at the Mail’s tribute. ‘I consider this humble address to be the highest praise my British friends can muster,’ he said after the ceremony. ‘My only regret is that I now have to go to Germany to cook up a new diabolical scheme to dominate Europe with Mrs Merkel, instead of flying to London and telling the editor of the Daily Mail how grateful I am for his kind words.’

Mr Hollande concluded his statement with the traditional French greeting reserved for British tabloid journalists, ‘Va te faire foutre, trouduc, tu es un putain salaud et branleur qui ne peut qu’ecriver des conneries. Encule un mouche! Brule en enfer, menteurs!‘, which sources indicate is French for ‘Rule Britannia’.

Confirmed father of around 15% of the local infant population, Grobbelaar was recently granted his own parking space at the Tarbuck Memorial Antenatal Clinic.

Mr Grobbelaar, who nominally works for the Refuse Collection Department, believes the leave is critical to establish a bond with each new baby.

Liverpool’s libertine is hopeful of maintaining his unbroken string of paternity leave right up until retirement age. However a reflective Mr Grobbelaar admits it can be hard work: ‘Being a serial father can really take it out of you’ he declared whilst furtively checking his iPhone ‘but the paternity leave certainly helps with that. I spend at least half an hour with each of my newborns, they bring me so much joy, plus they’re brilliant for pulling fit nurses at the hospital.’

The trek, which started when the two friends hailed the taxi in Holborn last February, has cost the pair £258,642: 4,310,600% more than the initial quote of ‘about six quid.’

‘We had suspicions that something was awry about six months into the journey; our concerns about the tuk tuks and elephants were blamed on ‘temp’ry roadworks in Russell Square’ said Leigh Purnell, one of the exhausted passengers. ‘For a while, I was actually beginning to see his point about immigration. That was until my iPhone showed we were actually in Phnom Penh.’

Mr Archer remains adamant that the route he took was the shortest one for the time of day. ‘I could have taken them the ‘traditional route’, sure… if they had really wanted catch all the traffic that feeds up from the Strand after 4:30.’

Muesli, a highly-addictive loose mixture of rolled oats, dried fruit, nuts, seeds and wheat or rye flakes, has been the cornerstone of worldwide illicit breakfast trade for many years says SOCA’s head of enforcement Dennis Bradley. ‘Millions of users have become hooked on this alternative to traditional cereals, with millions of pounds worth of the dried form of the mixture flooding the UK every year through a sophisticated network of supermarkets, corner shops and health food stores.’

Muesli dealers have traditionally targetted vulnerable middle-class users; the people least likely to know any better about being lured into paying for addictive but expensive health food products. However the actions of SOCA and other international anti-crime agencies has had a drastic effect, as attested by a series of recent high-profile muesli-busts across Europe. The result has been a huge rise in the wholesale price, though authorities acknowledge that the ‘War on Muesli’ is not over yet.

The ‘street’ value of the cereal remains constant as dealers increasingly dilute or ‘cut’ their muesli with bits of dried tropical fruit, yogurt, honey and semi-skimmed milk. ‘Some are even risking the wellbeing of their clients further by watering down their product with a fruit compote,’ claims Bradley. There are also concerns about the development of so-called ‘granola bars’, often 5-6 times strength of the traditional muesli. ‘I’ve even seen schoolchildren walking around with bags of ‘clusters’ which is obviously street slang for something much more dangerous.’

‘But after a number of successful convictions many of the bigger dealers are now doing porridge,’ boasted Bradley.  ‘Except then they go and put sliced bananas in it, and seeds and raisins and shit.’

 Pulled together by jp1885 from submissions by JeniB, cazzbar, Hennell, rickwestwell, and Skylarking

14th May 2009