The elderly peer disappeared in 1974 but claimed his deeds were in full  accordance with Parliamentary rules as they stood at the time.  ‘I even took the precaution of running it by the Fees Office and they assured me that it was all perfectly legal,’ said Lucan.

The lord will be asked to pay back expenses claimed for a piece of lead piping, however, which was clearly purchased for personal use.

CarlMaxim

After secret talks with the Somerset Morris Dancing Association boss Martin Johnson has developed a pre-match routine for England’s rugby team to perform at international matches. It’s thought the combination of sticks, whiskery beards, beer guts and embarrassing dancing could strike fear into their opponents.

After decades of Maori style Haka intimidation from the All Blacks, Johnson wanted a quintessentially English response.

‘We would have started earlier, but security kept confiscating our bells and sticks,’ said Johnson.

ChrisM

The controversial concept artists Gilbert and George are separating after forty years together. The big split follows months of tabloid rumour and innuendo after Britain’s best loved gay avant-garde living sculptors were spotted in bizarre artworks on their own. The official reason for the abstract divorce was given as ‘artistic differences’ though it has been well known in the art world that Gilbert has been increasingly influenced by the artistic style of Rolf Harris. However it seems he was unable to persuade George that the duo’s art should develop towards instant paintbrush cartoons slapped onto a big white canvass while a wobble board played in the background.

Now a long legal battle is expected to follow over the ‘living sculpture’ concept, with the most likely outcome being George having custody during the week with the judge granting Gilbert access at the weekend and every other Wednesday. With neither side being prepared to back down, all the pictures in which they both appear are currently being divided down the middle.

Meanwhile the major retrospective currently on show at the Tate Modern has been re-hung to reflect their new direction. ‘Gilbert and Rolf’ opens on Wednesday.

Guitarist Pete Townshend was visibly shaken. ‘I know my on-stage antics can sometimes look aggressive, but I’ve never encountered this kind of reaction. It’s as much as I can do these days to whirl my arm around in my trademark ‘windmill’ without needing a rest afterwards, and wrecking our equipment on stage has become a bit passé, so yes, I was shocked by what I saw.’

Singer Roger Daltrey described the scenes in the stadium as approaching open warfare, with gangs of rival body builders dressed in casual sportswear lining up and repeatedly smashing into each other. ‘They even wore helmets and body armour. I’m surprised no one was killed. At least they stopped for commercial breaks and the National Anthem, but then this is America . What was most surprising was the way the crowd were not only unperturbed by the carnage, they actually seemed to be enjoying it. Many of them even interrupted their eating and drinking to cheer the perpetrators on.’

Daltrey said it was worse than anything they had witnessed in the Mods v Rockers battles of the 1960s or on the North bank at Highbury in the 1970s. ‘Someone said something about a game of football, but they never stopped for long enough to get a game going. Occasionally we did see people trying to run off with a small object that looked a bit like a toy rugby ball, or throwing it to their mates, but we think this must have been some kind of group bag-snatching training.’

Townshend admitted they had been concerned beforehand about adverse reaction to his ill-advised internet research some years ago, for which he was cautioned but not prosecuted, but any protests were overshadowed by the fighting. ‘Someone asked me what I thought about my pariah status, and I said I thought Mariah was a great singer but not in our league musically. Fucks your ears up, playing as loud as we do, I can tell you.’

Toby said he got the mad idea from an old TV programme. His son Alfie’s favourite DVD showed Thunderbird 2 emerging from behind a cliff face. ‘Obviously, garages aren’t designed to hold cars,’ said Toby, ‘and I miss my tools, bikes, mower, magazine collection and old monitors and printers. But I’d recommend it to anyone.’

Virtualwill

‘He may be a good cricketer and a respected on field leader, but without a model, barmaid or actress describing his bedroom secrets in the papers, he’ll never make cricket sexy,’ said anxious board member.

Time is running out for Strauss, according to experts. ‘As a married man with two sons, he’s now in his prime for a scandal,’ said a sports analyst.

Publicist Danny McGee urged Strauss to up his game.  ‘If he’s going to make a real name for himself, now’s the time,’ he said.

AJ Blacker

‘When I clicked on the link, it said, ‘Do you want to run the Marriage Wizard?’ I had to click ‘Yes’ to continue, and then on the next screen, without thinking, I clicked on ‘I accept’. Well, no one ever reads the licence agreement, do they. The next thing I knew, it said the Wizard had completed the marriage and would I like to register for updates.’

Debbie said that Jason had pre-registered his acceptance and therefore the marriage was all legal. ‘I have to say it was a bit impersonal. The worst thing was ‘I accept’: not even ‘I do’, or ‘I will’.
‘As for kissing and exchanging rings, that will have to wait because I’ve discovered Jason’s on his way to Amsterdam for his stag weekend. When I rang him he was at the airport, and he was well annoyed because I’d done him out of his last shag with someone else as a single man by signing up too early, unless I’d let him off in the circumstances.’

After printing and reviewing the detailed contract, Debbie found it went well beyond even the old ‘love, honour and obey’ vows. ‘You wouldn’t believe what services I’ve signed up to provide the sod,’ she said. ‘To have and to hold isn’t the half of it.’

Debbie said she was signing up for an online quickie divorce before Jason returned to consummate the marriage. ‘And I might just claim for his BMW and plasma TV in the licence agreement bit. It has to be worth a go.’

Through the use of MRI brain scanners, the team from St. Mary’s Hospital Neurology Unit have managed to implant in her head the idea that surviving solely on apples and pasta is not possible, and she has now been successfully convinced to eat a burger.

‘This is a remarkable breakthrough for medical science,’ said the team’s chief scientist, Dr Adrian Bell. ‘We were previously unable to explain successfully to teenage girls that eating meat was a normal part of a diet, and trying to survive with no iron or B12 was a miserable way to be. This is revolutionary research which will give hope to relatives of vegetarians everywhere – it is possible to convince a lethargic, pasty and morbid teenage girl to actually have a ham sandwich occasionally.’