Hilary Acacia Avenue (nee Bingham) from Blackburn yesterday celebrated getting hitched to her three-bedroom terraced house.

‘I can’t believe it’s all happened so quickly,’ said Mrs Acacia Avenue. ‘I only asked 14 Acacia Avenue to marry me on Christmas Day, then we got straight on the phone to the registry office who managed to get us a cancellation.’

It is believed that Hilary suffers from Objectophilila. However, Mary Harper, 47, who lives at 17 Acacia Avenue told us: ‘The selfish trollop only married it so that it didn’t get repossessed. She owes £15,000 in mortgage arrears. I feel so sorry for any rooms they end up having.’

Although Mr and Mrs Acacia Avenue won’t be having a honeymoon, the couple had a successful first night together as a married couple. Hilary said: ‘We didn’t go all the way, but I did get damp in the back bedroom.’

Marko

A follow up to popular TV show ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’ has been cancelled after the first episode of ‘Don’t Tell the Groom’ failed to generate the same sort of emotional tension.

The pilot episode of the new show saw bride-to-be Amy Phillips from Chester given £15,000 to organise her wedding with no input whatsoever from her future husband John Dunlop. As Amy struggled to organise everything in just three weeks John moved in with his best man, drank heavily and spent hours playing Call of Duty on the PS3.

The producers finally decided to pull the plug after the big reveal of the suit Amy had picked out for John, intended to be the pivotal moment of the show, saw him react by shrugging and saying ‘That’ll do.’ However, the wedding still went ahead. John’s final verdict on the job Amy did putting the wedding together was ‘Yeah, it was alright wasn’t it?’.

Dr Rowan Williams told Radio 4 that the law could apply to many areas, such as toast landing butter-side down or three buses arriving together after a half hour wait. He stressed that ‘nobody in their right mind would want to see the more extreme application of Sod’s Law such as the unemployed man who threw himself under a train with the next weekend’s winning lottery ticket in his pocket.’

Politicians were quick to oppose the Archbishop’s ideas. Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, told journalists that to fragment British Law set a dangerous precedent, unaware of the pigeon dropping on the shoulder of her brand new suit. Leader of the Opposition David Cameron condemned Dr Williams’ views to the House of Commons, but Sod’s Law dictated that the Members’ Bar had just opened so no MPs were in the house to hear it.

Sod’s Law has already been introduced in some parts of the UK. New Welsh secretary, Paul Murphy, introduced his own version of the law in Wales this month. From 1 February ‘Murphy’s Law’ dictates that anyone who applies for a public sector post will be interviewed by panel that includes the driver you crashed into on the way to the interview or an ex-girlfriend who found you in bed with her sister.

Ironically the Archbishop’s comments caused grave offence to one Muslim cleric who immediately issued a fatwa calling for ‘the infidel leader’s wicked tongue to be struck from his mouth for suggesting that there could ever be any other law other than the one true code of ‘Sharia Law.’ But as luck would have it, the microphone had just broken so nobody heard him.

‘It’s proving a real gifting hit with mums and imams everywhere,’ said Mattel CEO, Robert Eckert. ‘We’re particularly proud of the pull-string martyrdom feature. One tug, up go the arms, and Blow-Up Barbie runs forward screaming either ‘Allahu Akbar!’ or ‘Visit mattel.com for exclusive Barbie games and accessories’ before detonating her bomb vest. There’s no doubt it’s the new toy every child wants, and any kid lucky enough to get their hands on one will very soon afterwards be desperate to get what now remains of their hands on a replacement.’

Continued Eckert: ‘They’re getting a lot of bang for their buck too. Blow-up Barbie is not only packed with hours of entertainment, but also nails and a concentrated fertiliser-based explosive. The whole product reeks of quality – and also slightly of ammonium nitrate.’

With regards to accessories, Eckert says Mattel realised early on that an Islamic fundamentalist Barbie simply wouldn’t be complete – or allowed to be seen in public – without a new Ken to accompany her. ‘We’re very proud of our Islamist Ken. He has fully movable limbs and comes with little rocks and a flog to ‘correct’ Barbie if she leaves the house without her burqa on, or if the child decides to pretend that she might be thinking about getting an education.’

However, despite the doll’s success, Eckert has admitted that the product’s development and production hasn’t been entirely without its complications. ‘The whole venture has been something of a departure from the norm. Usually a big corporation like us would wait for our government to invade and homogenise a marketplace before releasing a normal Barbie that’s just a bit brown.’

‘By doing things this way we knew we’d have to take into account various religious and cultural sensitivities. In fact, we’ve already had to issue one product recall after complaints about the potential harm that could be caused to children by a faulty batch of Barbies showing too much ankle.’

A new brand is ‘angling’  for attention on supermarket shelves that captures the romance of the one that got away with the thrill of the illicit. Forbidden Fish has all the attraction of forbidden fruit, only it tastes better with chips. ‘It’s an antidote to the smugness of ‘responsibly caught’ fish,’ said managing director Eric Knowles.

‘Irresponsible fisherman litter the banks of rivers with wrecked Tupperware, park untaxed 4x4s dangerously close to the water’s edge, break into fish farms at dead of night and throw bangers into the water and leave fishhooks lying about, endangering dogs and wildlife. They lie to take the day off to fish and very often they have extra-marital sex behind a tree while maintaining multiple rods. But the fish they catch are always fresh and delicious, perhaps because they’re so naughty!’

Market leader Sinful Salmon is now available in cans, promoted by the slogans ‘Get a Tinful of Sinful’ and ‘I Did What It Said On The Tin’. Now, Forbidden Fish are off to sea. ‘Our trawlermen will tease lobsters and radio the coastguard with fake mayday warnings in funny voices,’ promised Knowles.

Football fans are bracing themselves at the thought of former England captain John Terry playing naked. This has been advocated as a compromise in a situation where free trade rules allow him to carry on playing but no-one wishes the colour of their shirt to be associated with him.

‘Blue and yellow are out, because they are Chelsea’s home and away colours, and red and white rules out England,’ explained Martin Fairnsbairns of solicitors FC De Reya. ‘In fact, almost any recognisably football-oriented kit of any colour with the possible exception of pink, may suggest any side, including, indeed, Hereford United.’

With the alternative of a tartan jock strap and turquoise socks ruled out as impractical, an FA spokemsan said that there was no solution for Terry other than to play stark naked. ‘Besides, it’ll save time if any of his teammates’ girlfriends pop by after the game.’

‘I thought it was right that Chris Huhne should keep the Energy Secretary armband,’ said the outspoken Italian. ‘I spoke to the Prime Minister and said that in my opinion someone should not be punished until it is official that he has deliberately conspired with his ex-wife to knowingly deceive the authorities. A criminal court, not a political court, should decide if Mr Huhne is guilty. This will be a big loss to the Cabinet and the Lib Dems.’

The FA is said to be getting increasingly nervous about the England manager after his latest outburst against perceived injustice. Over the weekend Capello openly welcomed the Russian and Chinese veto of a UN Security Council resolution attempting to end the violence in Syria.

‘The Arab League nations are trying to hold the UN to hostage,’ said Capello. ‘The UN should not be complicit in the policy of repression that some of the international community are pursuing in trying to curb the powers of President Bashar al-Assad’s legitimate and democratically-elected government. Whatever happened to being innocent until proven guilty?’

And today Mr Capello came out in support of the cyclist Alberto Contador who was yesterday banned for two years for doping by the Court of Arbitration for Sport. ‘In my view the Spanish Cycling Federation took the right approach in not banning him. You can’t rush justice. But now the decision to ban him has opened the floodgates for the banning of innocent sportsmen who may have mistakenly eaten contaminated meat or muttered something allegedly offensive.’

But Capello’s strident expression of his opinions on politics and diplomacy has left many commentators nervous about the trend spreading to other footballers. ‘How long before world leaders are seeking counsel from Paul Gascoigne, Robbie Savage or Ron Atkinson on Iran’s nuclear programme? Or, God forbid, from Joey Barton or John Terry on multiculturalism?’

simonjmr (hat-tip to Sinnick)

‘He’s maybe a friend or brother, possibly a partner or husband, father or son, maybe an uncle, a cousin or neighbour? Work colleague or a mild acquaintance? Perhaps he delivers your post,’ said Mystic Mondo. 

Peter from Reading said: ‘It was just amazing. The accuracy of the description was truly astounding. He correctly predicted that Dave enjoys laughter and can recite the whole alphabet. That’s my brother Dave alright!’

‘Initially I thought it was just nonsense’ said Lucy from Hull. ‘But then I remembered that Sue next door’s daughter’s husband’s brother’s called Dave. And he has lips and eyebrows just like Mondo predicted. Explain that Professor Dawkins!’

Even sceptics like Dave from Leicester have been won over. ‘At first I had no idea who he was talking about,’ said Dave, ‘but then I remembered that I’m called Dave! And I know me!’

UnoEye