Thanks a mil, Sydalg, but wondering why my link didn't work. It's true I only have a mini-image but when I right-click on it the menu gives me the option Show Image, which then works. Is that valid only for my computer, because I have the image saved???
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Shaggy toad story
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like he other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"
To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!"
She says: "I don't do units; you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellow dick toad!
Maybe yellow dick toad would be a suitable name for our dear leader
Posted 1 month ago # -
A little Ditty, told to me by an 80 year old gentleman about 25 years ago, in The White Hart Pub in Llandarog, Wales.
Describes an exchange of correspondance between a local chap and an American serviceman, who had been stationed locally during the latter part of the second world war.
it sounds better, spoken.. with the appropriate accents.My Buggy it is broken, which I'm keeping as a token,
there are footprints on the dashboard upside down
there are spots upon the cushion
where some dirty sod's been pushin
and my daughter Lilly had to leave the Town.Reply
I'm the dirty sod's been pushin
hence the spots upon your cushion
and the footprints on the dashboard upside down
Since I met your daughter Lilly
I've had problems with my Willy
and I Wish I'd never seen your flippin Town.just thought I would post this little gem, before it is lost forever
Posted 1 month ago # -
For all, (everybody) who didn't appreciate my ticker attempt.
A poor policeman from Clapham Junction
Had a tool that just wouldn't function.
He spent the rest of his life
Deceiving his wife
With some snot on the end of his truncheon.
So f**king sorry if this offends anyone for whatever reason but it is not intended as a hate crime against anyone, even the police.Posted 1 month ago # -
There were two tramps walking along a country lane approaching a village, where they hoped to do a bit of begging. The first tramp sniffs the air and asks "Have you shit yourself?" The second tramp says "Nope".
As they approach the village, the first tramp asks again - "Are you SURE you haven't shit yourself?" Again, the second tramp says "Nope".
As they walk through the village, the stench of shit is so bad, that everyone gives the tramps a wide berth, so that any begging is out of the question. So they just carry on walking until they are leave the village and are back on the country lanes.
At which point the first tramp decides that the smell of shit is so overwhelming that he demands that his pal drops his trousers so he can check. Sure enough there is a load of shit on the inside of his trousers and smeared down the back of his legs.
"You dirty bastard, I thought you said that you hadn't shit yourself!"
The second tramp replies, "Oh sorry, I thought you meant today".
Posted 1 month ago # -
hope you dont mind Granger, but I have added a couple of verses.
"A poor policeman from Clapham Junction
Had a tool that just wouldn't function.
He spent the rest of his life
Deceiving his wife
With some snot on the end of his truncheon."There were rumours that he was well Blessed
and that he used it, not needing a rest
He would use it non stop
Shouting "its a fair cop"
Till his truncheon got caught in his vest.But his Balls, with momentum kept going
And he screamed like a train whistle blowing
He Danced the Balero
But where the Balls of our Hero
Had landed, there was no way of knowingA search team was sent out with trackers
and snifferdogs trained to find Knackers
At last they were found
Large, swollen and Round
They are now used as bellringers ClappersPosted 4 weeks ago # -
I claim no input into the limerick, it was just something I used to sing in my drunken youth, which came to mind hearing the collocation of police and Clapham, and seemed to fit as the story was about police misusing women. Your additions remind me of another obscene rugby song - The engineer told me before he died.... Maybe our engineering expert on this site can fill you in with the lyrics?
Posted 4 weeks ago # -
Once they had a limerick phone-in on Danny Baker's Radio London show where the aim was to create a made-up limerick for each London borough. The most memorable one was:
There was a young woman from Tower Hamlets
Who said "Let's eat sugar and spam - lets!"
"Sugar and Spam?" said a young plumber man
"We can eat it in my plumber's van - lets!"Posted 4 weeks ago # -
Just to continue the ubiquity of Phil the Greek, here's an ancient'joke.'
After spending the night in accommodation where a chamber pot was placed on the top of his wardrobe, HRH was heard to complain, "I may be the highest peer in the land but I still like my po low"
All Royaties from this witticism will be donated to a polo pony rescue charity.Posted 1 week ago # -
Two old lads go into Cowboy Joe's Bar in Rochdale. The music by the Zac Brown Band is really loud, but the lads quite like it. George offers to get the first round in and Frank tells him to ask the barman what the music is. He comes back five minutes later.
"Well, what's the music."
"It's some cunt from Preston."This is a cut down version of a shaggy dog story.
Posted 5 days ago #
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