In possibly the worst case of its kind in history, an entire nation has had a Jubilee inflicted upon it over an extended period while the rest of the world stood by. Yet again, the ability of the United Nations to prevent such atrocities has been called into question.
In the face of a population of sixty million being subjected to such a degrading experience, the UN is thought to have sent a mere platoon of 25 unarmed observers. After a daring amphibious landing at Southend, the peacekeepers were overwhelmed by the feared white-van militia and had their blue berets forcibly replaced by Union Jack bowler hats before being humiliatingly included in public scenes of jubilation under threat of a ‘pool party’.
The celebrations are being imposed to commemorate the reign of Queen Elizabeth II, who has tragically stood by for sixty years of laissez-faire non-interventionism while one self-serving ‘government’ after another has led the nation to rack and ruin. ‘The people have lost their industry, education and values,’ said activist Vladimir Putin, ‘and now survive on handouts and folk memories of a glorious past. If only Elizabeth had retained some of the despotic traits of her historic namesake, the country might at least have something to cheer about.’
For many there was no escape from the degradation of ‘street parties’ organised by an army of ‘good neighbours’. Separated from their natural support networks at work by an enforced extended weekend, huge numbers of cynics were forced to compromise their principles and ‘have a good time’ for hours on end or face a lifetime of ostracism.
Civil liberties campaigner Kim Jong-un said it saddened him immensely to see millions of downtrodden peasants forced to stand around in the rain looking cheerful, many of whom had to fake enjoyment while consuming disgusting bite-sized snacks. ‘For the older ones, the only escape is the bottle,’ he said. ‘For the kids, memories of ‘jelly and blancmange’ ordeals will be seared into their psyche forever.’
Even those who managed to escape trial by party felt they needed to monitor the events on TV, lest they be caught out later in the week for failing to recall every single bloody minute. Eager to pile on the misery, state television channel Al BBC not only foisted John Sergeant and Nick Witchell on viewers but completed the agony by replacing the ousted Jennie Bond with Clare ‘Klebb’ Balding.