The Royal Bank of Scotland has today come out and apologised for the ‘minor glitch’ in it’s computer system that caused it to almost crumble into bankruptcy and need a multi-billion pound bail-out from the UK taxpayer and Jimmy Carr.
‘The error saw our credit checking services give mortgages to people based not on their ability to pay it back, but instead the qualifying criteria was pulse based’ said chief executive Stephen Hester. ‘If customers had a pulse, we gave them a mortgage. Although there is now a back log, and the error may have slightly inconvenienced the world’s economy, we can assure you things have now been fixed. Now we will not lend to those who can’t pay us back, or those that can pay it back. In fact since the glitch has been fixed, we haven’t lent a penny to anyone.’
When asked about the cause of the bug that first hit systems in 2008, Mr Hester told us he could not be sure how it occurred. However sources close to the bank say investigations are concentrating on a ‘rogue IT technician’. The technician who shall remain unnamed, and probably unmarried, is believed to have caused the error when, instead of loading firewalls onto the system, loaded ‘angry birds’. ‘This saw the RBS computer systems replicating the popular game with the banks money‘ the source told us. ‘When asking for a loan, mortgage, or credit card, the system would just keep throwing cash at the greedy pigs until everything around us crumbled to the ground. It’s quite funny when you think about it’.
The glitches in the system even saw one elderly customer ‘accidentally’ paid £342,500 a year for life. Although this error was discovered as early as 2009, no action was taken and the gentleman continued to receive the extortionate sum. The gentleman in question was unavailable for comment but the bank defended the big mistake saying ’everyone is allowed a pension and Sir Fred Goodwin is no different.’
All banks under the RBS umbrella have been affected, but the financial ombudsman has said the public should not be out of pocket. ‘Anyone who has lost out financially because of these problems should keep a record of the personal cost to them’ a spokesman told us. ‘This will see about £1000 going back into the pockets of every tax-payer in the UK,. But so those who refuse to pay tax don’t feel left out, we have given Gary Barlow an OBE.’