The rise in popularity of novels such as 50 Shades of Grey and its sequels is being blamed for a disturbing slip in the quality of mainstream standards of writing, according to a study by a media think tank at Southampton University.
Dorothy Peel, head of the Media Sciences Unit, parted her pink, moist lips, slipped her hand down towards her midriff, caressed her womanly cleft and explained the group's findings.
"We studied the trends in word usage, combined with semantic references pertaining to the most popular reading matter over the past 20 years, and found that nationally, writing standards clearly veer towards the popular styles of the day'.
Ms Peel leaned down to pick up a glass of water, revealing a hint of red lace beneath her flimsy, white silken blouse and continued; "The worry is that unless schools and colleges do more to reëstablish more formal teaching practices, we'll entirely lose the ability to write in a factual and unsensationalist manner".
Meanwhile, Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt gripped Education Secretary Michael Gove in a tender embrace, gazed into his eyes and gently brushed the tip of his tongue against the younger man's lips.
Between panting breaths, Mr Hunt offered his view of the report's findings. "The UK has long had a reputation for being at the forefront of quality writing. We must make all efforts to ensure that we don't allow the dumbing down of our media in this way".
Mr Gove shifted his hand to reveal the bulge of his throbbing manhood, straining to be free of the confines of his trousers and promised to ensure headteachers and staff would be obliged to maintain the very highest literary standards.
"As a result", added Mr Gove over the sound of wet flesh slapping on wet flesh, "The Chancellor will be diverting 30 million pounds into the initiative".
At a press conference at the Treasury, Mr Osborne, dressed in a blue suit and brogues, agreed.