An image of Jesus has appeared on Jeremy Clarkson's teeth causing confusion amongst the faithful but pleasing the man himself.
'Just because I'm on TV people seem to think I should have perfect teeth but I'm not a homosexual so I haven't had them capped or whitened and now the old pegs have been deemed good enough by the Almighty.'
Clarkson admits that he has no faith in any deity but feels that he and Jesus have some things in common.
'Jesus was a down-to-earth bloke. He made sure everyone got hog-whimperingly drunk at the Wedding at Cana and knew what it's like to give it the full moo down the Damascus Road on a precision engineered donkey. It's no different from me having drinks with David Cameron and Rebekkah Brookes and slinging the latest Audi round the Top Gear test track.'
One area where they do differ is that of personal style.
'If that JC was back now then this JC would say to him “Look mate, you've got to ditch the dress. Plus sandals are only worn by vegetarians, or worse, women.” I'd have him wearing pale Levi 501s, an untucked checked shirt and a leather jacket for a classic masculine look that blends in anywhere. And, of course, I'd set him straight on the face-fuzz unless he actually wanted to look like a paedophile.'
In terms of their respective careers Clarkson found parallels between himself and the man whose face has so unexpectedly appeared across his front teeth.
'Jesus was outspoken and controversial. So am I. He had twelve disciples and I've got Hammond and May. And both of us know that spending time all blokes together talking things out over a pint or a simple supper is a unique pleasure that feminists will never understand. It's not our fault that you can't get together for more than five minutes without slagging each other off, ladies.'
'Of course when it comes to being answerable to The Man then Jesus had it easier. His boss was only God, mine's Rupert fucking Murdoch.'