A new survey shows that people who make a bucket list of things to go before they die ultimately rated about 80% of the experiences as ‘disappointing’.
Don Parkin, a Middle aged sales executive of no fixed marriage, always hankered after being at the centre of a mass of writhing females. On a Saturday day afternoon in Brighton after arriving early for a three day seminar on Polyethylene he found himself at a loose end in the hotel bar. “I quite often use the expression ‘Well, dip me in Chocolate and feed me to the lesbians’, it always gets a laugh from the lads, and the Gay Pride March was on. So after I few pints I decided to take the plunge and went up to Thorntons, where I managed to bribe an assistant to sell me some melted chocolate from the back room. Then I headed off to the Gay Pride celebration. I stripped off and covered myself in melted chocolate, but I hadn’t thought it through. Lesbians are rarely attracted to the sight of a slightly drunk, naked, middle aged man, screaming as he receives burns from molten chocolate on his chest and genitals”. What was captured on CCTV and will be used in the court case were a stream of unfussy heterosexual women in Velour shell suits running out of the local Primark to drool over him and bite off the setting chocolate. “It was like a scene from dawn of the dead” said Don, weeping openly. “I should never have worn the ring doughnuts as well!”
City Lawyer Fiona Wilde also commented. ”Finding one's self while on a Retreat is only possible if one has sufficient funds to book into a 5 Star Retreat. Monastic rural Retreats don't provide the same quality of Spa service. I had also always hankered after leaving my well paid job in the City to set up a small key cutting and cobblers shop in Lyme Regis. I did, and it wasn't all that. In retrospect, I should have first done the more expensive things like chartering a private jet to Bermuda with all my friends for a party, while I was still rolling in it. That, and hiring Johnny Depp for a night of passion, dressed as a Pirate.”
Other contributors to the survey included the Formula One fan who had saved for his entire life to be able to do the World Grand Prix Tour, but was sorely disappointed that it was noisy, smelly, he was always miles from the pit, it rained at a huge number of races, and he had not seen a single fatal crash.
Strangely, the people most satisfied with their bucket list were players of online video games who reported that getting three stars on angry birds was the best thing they ever did. We contacted a number of forums for players of Halo and World of Warcraft for a reaction to the findings, but none were prepared to talk to a real person.
A joint Quaz and JeniB production