American businessman Donald Trump is reported to have formed his own constitutional militia group in the foothills of Vermont, and is planning to overthrow the US government.
The follicly-distressed tycoon, whose extravagant outspoken style has earned him the nickname of ‘the twat’, has mobolised a small private army of around 300 unemployed gas station attendants from all over the province of Dirtgully, New Hampshire.
Taking to the 'Citizens-Band Radio of Twitter', Mr Trump tweeted: “Our revolutionary movement, which I have named The Trump Martyrs (copyright pending), intends to stand up for the god-fearing downtrodden inexplicably irritated rich white folks of America.
"The forces of evil, which recently voted in free and fair elections to appoint somebody I don’t personally care for, must be overthrown. I intend to lead my meagre force of true Americans to the very gates of the White House and then, from a reasonable distance, watch our fight to reclaim liberty. We are a great nation divided, but I like to think that when the people of America see me they are all thinking the same thing.”
Trump's troops are believed to be holed up in a heavily fortified penthouse near Mount Mansfield, protected by a particularly snooty concierge.
A perennially controversial figure, Donald Trump worked his way up from being little more than the son of a wealthy property developer, to become one of America’s wealthiest property developers. It is to this unorthodox upbringing he attributes his sense of fair play, compassion and keen interest in having pots and pots of money.
In 2010, Mr Trump announced his interest in becoming President of the United States and was astonished to discover there was more to getting the job than just asking for it.
"You would not believe the obstacles to becoming Commander-in-Chief," he told ABC's Power Brunch in May 2011. "Campaigning, coming up with policies and all that horse-hockey. If I’m at home with Melania and the kids and we’re playing Monopoly I just declare myself the winner and we’re done; and if there’s any complaints I remind them whose board it is.”
Politically, he describes himself as tacking to the liberal wing of the anti-gay marriage, pro-life, anti-gun control, anti-medicare, China hating segment of the Republican Party: "I believe in the inalienable right to hate all this stuff," he said.
Mr Trump equipped his band of patriotic simpletons by tasking contestants on his NBC reality show The Apprentice to secure a large cache of illegal firearms and explosives. Team A successfully negotiated the deal with a Lebanese gentleman, whilst Team B hasn’t been heard from since.