A penguin who holds the record for being the fastest flightless bird to complete his arduous winter march between the ocean and ancestral breeding grounds has admitted to using a performance-enhancing bicycle to beat other penguins to the finish line.
Gavin Turner, an adolescent emperor penguin from Antarctica, has confessed to using a catalogue of banned mechanical assistance to be “first to the fish”.
His preferred mode of transport was a yellow Raleigh Chipper but Turner also admitted to using pretty much anything that would avoid him having to walk, including a catapult and a microlite aircraft.
‘I’ve got really short legs, even for a penguin, and it’s a really long way’ said Turner. ‘In the early days I’d get there, cold and knackered, and usually last. All the fish would be gone and the other penguins would just be standing around, smoking and drinking and taking the piss. That’s when I thought “I’m going to have you, you fucking fuckers”.’
Turner’s sponsor, Successories, who publish uplifting stationery inspired by the animal kingdom and used by unimaginative middle managers to motivate their staff, has sacked the “disgraced fish-eating cheat” on hearing the news.
A statement from Successories read, ‘Mr Turner no longer reflects our culture of there being no I in team. However, we wish him all the best. After all, the greatest achievement is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall. We’re now in talks with a beaver about perseverance.’
Turner featured prominently on a Successories poster carrying the inspirational mantra ‘The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.’
‘Actually, my last one began with a Lib Tech Attack Banana snowboard,’ said Turner.