With Britain’s high streets in terminal decline, there are fears that another ‘household name’ is facing financial trouble. With 2,684 outlets across some 35 towns, Gordon’s Second-hand Monkey Faeces Emporium could be staring at its last buck.
Gordon’s Second-hand Monkey Faeces Emporium was established in 2007, following a lottery win by an idiot. The first store was opened in Guildford by Isla St Clair to much fan-fare, thirty lorries of fireworks and a silver-painted, defecating gibbon. Clearly shocked, St Clair stormed off before cutting the ribbon, claiming she’d ‘obviously been lied to’ about it being a hospice for small dogs with sad eyes.
Despite no sales to speak of the brand rapidly expanded, until it was a common odour on every high street in the South East. Faced with predatory pricing and aggressive marketing campaigns, many rival vendors of used ape leavings were just too small to compete.
Managing Director Dave Gordon has blamed escalating business rates for their current problems. “With no sales in the last 23 quarters, and none forecast for the next, charging us £3,000 per square metre makes our business untenable. Fortunately, I have a very modern approach to business and I’m strategising to invest our way out, as well as doubling the advertising budget for our uniquely branded buckets of crap.”
With the receivers already waiting downwind with paper suits and breathing equipment, politicians have been quick to appear to support the ailing business empire. David Cameron, sporting a generous smear of wintergreen on his top lip, bravely entered his local branch without wretching. “My family and I have long supported this...unique... business, I’m always popping in for a large bag of orangu-dung”, he declared.
There was some embarrassment as the PM attempted to pay, as none of the branches have been fitted with tills. With the press waiting impatiently, Gordon eventually agreed to let Cameron have ‘this first bag on the house’, before explaining that he wasn’t interested in operating a ‘sales-focused business’.
“To be honest, we were hoping to have sold the whole concern to some billionaire from Russia or China before now”, he admitted. “If you get the branding right, they’ll go ape-shit for anything.”
Hat-tip to the chatroom