A London man was shocked last night when he pulled a writhing sack out of the river Thames and discovered that it contained a collection of half-drowned, almost-forgotten reality TV stars.
Ian Anderson was walking his dog when he noticed the struggling sack beginning to sink below the surface of the water. He managed to hook it with a tree branch and pull it to the shore but was stunned by what he found.
‘I saw this bag in the river and I thought it must contain unwanted kittens or something. I couldn’t believe that people would still chuck them in a sack in the river in this day and age, and the kids have been banging on about wanting a cat, so I grabbed a branch and got it out of the water.’ said the unsuspecting hero.
‘They weren’t making any noise but there was movement so I knew there was something alive in there. When I opened it up I didn’t see the kittens I was expecting, but instead saw Frankie Cocozza staring at me with his pathetic, attention-seeking eyes. I was pretty sure my kids wouldn’t want to keep him as a pet, so I was a bit gutted.’
As he opened up the sack Ian found not only did it contain ‘laddish’ failure Cocozza, but also somebody from the last series of Big Brother and another one who looked vaguely familiar, who he thinks might have been in Fame Academy but isn’t sure.
‘I couldn’t believe what I’d found but since then I’ve discovered this sort of things is more common than you'd think.’ continued Anderson, ‘A mate of mine is a plumber and he got called to the X Factor studios once to deal with a blocked toilet and found that Louis Walsh had tried to flush away a discarded boy band. It took him ages to force them around the U bend and get it working properly again.’
‘Anyway, this soaking wet lot were clearly no use to me, so I found some more bricks, re-tied the sack and chucked them back in. I think it’s probably best for everybody that way.’