After years of being dictated to by ‘the bureaucrat brought in, from the town of Chipping Norton’, Samantha Cameron has announced her intention to renegotiate the terms of her marriage before offering her children an ‘in/out’ referendum. The vote will give the kids the choice of sticking with David Cameron as the head of the household, or ‘going it alone’ with their mother.
‘We have been in this weird relationship for a long time and many things have changed’ Mrs ‘Sam Cam’ Cameron told us. ‘In only the last 2 and a half years I have seen my freedom eroded and have had to put up with the stray pet we took in, I think David calls him Nick. David has changed too. His forehead has got so high he’s now a danger to helicopters.’
Opponents to the potential divorce have said that the uncertainty over the next few weeks could lead to financial instability. However as George Osborne explained, a separation could be very profitable for local businesses. ‘When it comes to the economy, two stupid multi-millionaires are better than one’
Another keen supporter of a split is UKIP leader Nigel Farage. The long term fan of Mrs Cameron told us ‘David should never have been in Samantha in the first place. She should definitely leave him and I feel so strongly about the matter that I have said she could live with me, you know, just until she gets herself on her feet, or as long as she wants really. Is it getting warm in here?’
The referendum could be held as soon as February, providing she wins the family’s monthly game of scrabble. David Cameron has taken to twitter to state his intention to back an ‘in’ vote. He told his 219,000 followers ‘Great figure, lovely hair, and access to a horse all make up my perfect woman. But she will be in jail soon so Sam is the best I can do. LOL’
Mrs Cameron has said she would go into the talks with an open mind, but is not willing to give away anymore powers to her husband. ‘He tells us he wants less interference from Brussels, well I want less orders from the cabbage’. She also reacted angrily to claims that if David goes she will be in danger of isolationism by shouting ‘that’s the f**king point’.