Brian Horden, Chief Planning Officer for Cumbria County Council, has turned down a planning application by evil genius, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, to build an underground bunker beneath the mountains of West Cumbria.
In his landmark judgement, Mr Horden cited numerous concerns about the plans. “We were unhappy with the proposed change of use from ‘underground cavern’ to ‘nuclear-powered headquarters of secret organisation hell-bent on assuming global power’. Frankly, we feel that Mr Blofeld’s stated ambition - 'world domination by a race of robot warriors from the future' - is incompatible with the values, aims and objectives of Cumbria County Council... even before we take the council’s ‘no cats’ policy into account.
“The missile silos make a mockery of Health & Safety regulations, while the shark-infested pool contravenes our customer care initiative for council-owned swimming baths.
"Mr Blofeld talked persuasively about the number of jobs the project would create locally. However, even in an area of high unemployment like West Cumbria, nobody wants to take the risk of working in a Bond villain’s bunker. Once James Bond has made a daring solo assault, armed with nothing more than a Walther PPK pistol and his laconic wit, we know how it’s going to end: with an explosion and a massive fireball. Even with the provision of smoke detectors and fire-retardant building materials, we felt that the proposed bunker was just an accident waiting to happen.
“It wasn’t all doom and gloom for Mr Blofeld, though: we rubber-stamped an application to extend his conservatory”...