Cricketers in the Somerset village of Charlton Pilchered, who finished bottom of their district league last summer, will not be permitted to enter the competition this year. Blazered and flanneled officials from their Local Cricket Board of Control (LCBC) made the announcement, citing Charlton Pilchered’s refusal to take village cricket over-seriously like all other Clubs under their jurisdiction.
An LCBC investigation into Charlton Pilchered Cricket Club, formed in 2009 after a group of former Sunday morning footballers decided to give up exercise, found that the Charlton Pilchered team were having a great time. Even at such a bewilderingly amateur level, this is clearly in contravention of the ethics of the stuffy, miserable game of cricket.
Being chatty with the umpire, or ‘Ref’ as Charlton Pilchered insisted on calling him, was considered to be inappropriate by LCBC, as was widespread laughter and piss-taking during play, especially when a team-mate made an almighty cock-up or got hit by the ball. The team’s scruffy appearance was also questioned, although this was later explained by a regime of fines and forfeits for any player found wearing matching gloves, pads or socks. Or indeed, anything white.
However, it was the team’s inability to talk complete bollocks authoratitively about cricketing topics such as the relative benefits of a 3lb Kookaburra and a 2lb 10oz Gray-Nicolls which really counted against Charlton Pilchered. “They didn’t even know how to stare intently at the wicket and then discuss how many runs were left in a pitch,” explained Dr Rupert Forshaw-Smythe of the LCBC.
The Charlton Pilchered Cricket Club captain, Phil ‘Pebble’ Stone was disappointed at the news. “Yeah it's a shame, we don’t know much about cricket but we have a laugh and at the end of the day, we just wanted to get a bit of team spirit going before a good drinking session after the game. It’s not like we broke any rules.”
“LAWS!” shouted Dr Forshaw-Smyth frustratedly.