Overcrowding on a London Midland service to Crewe from Euston earlier today reached a critical point when the densely-packed passengers fused together to create anti-matter and the beginnings of a black hole.
Problems began when a 12.20 service was cancelled because of staff shortages. Then a 12.46 service was cancelled because the driver alleged that the guard was "Looking funny" at him. Then the 13.15 was cancelled because the train Manager had thrown a strop over the consistency of his chips and eggy bread and had been sent to his room to "Have a good long think".The 13.50 was seriously delayed because of a used wet-wipe on the line at Berkhamsted.
When passengers were finally allowed to board the delayed 13.50 it was clear the four cars of the train were seriously overcrowded. First Class Passenger Jean Hepple from Stafford said "In one car the overcrowding was so dense that by the time we got to Watford, the passengers in Car C had formed a rudimentary hunter-gatherer society. Car D formed their own religion with a theistic structure based on human sacrifice and worship of a graven image of picture of Kerry Katona on the front page of Metro. In the First Class compartment myself and three others formed a string quartet and played "Abide With Me".
In Car B, however, overcrowding was so severe that the molecules of the passengers fused together to create a dense mass of anti-matter bending light and time itself to such an extent that passengers waiting on the platform at Rugby were sucked in to the mini-event horizon now occupying the coach.
The fused matter of the passengers left the train at Stoke on Trent where the dense cloud of anti-matter has absorbed the Ticket office, a Costa coffee a Tesco Extra and a small group of Port Vale supporters.
Questioned about the overcrowding on the Service, London Midland Executive Giles Tapeworm said "I can't possibly comment. I'm too busy counting my bonus and you made me lose my place. Now, where was I? five hundred thousand...six hundred thousand...seven hundred thousand...eight hundred thousand....nine hundred thousand....one million....one million one hundred thousand...one million two hundred thousand..."