NewsBiscuit

Downing Street today released a set of photos of Prime Minister Gordon Brown enjoying a series of vigorous outdoors activities while on a family break during the parliamentary recess, in a move which has drawn comparisons with Vladimir Putin’s latest outdoor adventure photoshoot.

In Russia, shots of Putin, stripped to the waist, riding a stallion through scenic Russian countryside, and swimming powerfully in icy cold rivers, led to a supportive press running glowing commentaries suggesting he was the politician many men aspire to be, and women to be with. ‘Who’s to say these spontaneous photos of Gordon, string-vest bared for all to see, masterfully trotting a donkey down Blackpool beach won’t inspire similar feelings?’ asked a Number 10 insider.

Details are beginning to emerge of the moment when the assembled G20 leaders chose the final figure of the cash that will be injected into the global economies. ‘It was just a comedy ad-lib from Barack Obama,’ said the French President Nicolas Sarkozy. ‘We were wondering how the hell we were going to come up with the exact figure and the room went quiet as people were thinking. Then Barack just came out with ‘One trillion dollars!’ in the Dr Evil voice from Austin Powers. He even put his little finger to the side of his mouth. We all just burst into hysterics but then thought, ‘Hell, why not?’.’

After an intercepted telephone call caught details of a personal conversation held between Prime Minister Gordon Brown and US President Barack Obama, Downing Street today insisted that the British Premier was highly complimented to be referred to ‘affectionately’ as Sugartits by the new American president.

Opportunity for Iran to thank America for making the world a safer place.

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair has offered his services to the new president of the United States in what he describes as a key role at the centre of the White House.

‘No it is not demeaning’ Blair told reporters, sporting a rented cartoon dog costume; this is the special relationship in action.’ Tony Blair has undertaken a number of key posts since resigning as Prime Minister last year, but has alway made it be known that he was interested in cementing Anglo-American relations. His duties would include strict retrieval projects, accompanying the First Lady on walkabouts and security responsibilities in the backyard of the White House.

BBC Radio 2 scandal has left morale in Central Africa at an all time low

An emergency summit of the Presidents and Prime Ministers of the G8 economies has hammered out a ‘workable rescue package’ that they claim will halt the current global economic meltdown and restore the markets to previous levels.

‘All these figures on the computers have got so complex and out of control, that we agreed it was probably best to turn the power off at the mains and see what happened when we turned them back on.’

Government figures published today revealed a sharp down-turn in imperial measurements against their metric equivalents. The mile slumped 400 yards against the kilometre, while the pound fell 3 ounces against the kilogram. Panic was quickly replaced by anger among British holidaymakers in Spain, as they woke up to find themselves anything up to six inches shorter than the day before, while their Spanish counterparts appeared to have had grown by a similar amount.

Friends of the veteran fashion designer Yves Saint Laurent spoke of their anger after the coffin in which he was being buried was found to be a cheap fake copy from Korea. ‘We looked in awe as the funeral procession began its walk down the aisle, but then I spotted something odd’ sobbed Vivienne Westwood. Jean-Paul Gaultier continued ‘Yes, what were supposed to be solid gold coffin handles were revealed to be YSL fakes as undertakers noticed that their palms had turned green.’