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Obama suggested ‘A Trillion Dollars!’ in Dr Evil voice

Saturday, April 4th, 2009

One triiillllion dollars...Details are beginning to emerge of the moment when the assembled G20 leaders chose the final figure of the cash that will be injected into the global economies. ‘It was just a comedy ad-lib from Barack Obama,’ said the French President Nicolas Sarkozy. ‘We were wondering how the hell we were going to come up with the exact figure and the room went quiet as people were thinking. Then Barack just came out with ‘One trillion dollars!’ in the Dr Evil voice from Austin Powers. He even put his little finger to the side of his mouth. We all just burst into hysterics but then thought, ‘Hell, why not?’.’

Brown ‘delighted’ by Obama’s new nickname for him of ‘sugartits’

Friday, March 27th, 2009

After an intercepted telephone call caught details of a personal conversation held between Prime Minister Gordon Brown and US President Barack Obama, Downing Street today insisted that the British Premier was highly complimented to be referred to ‘affectionately’ as Sugartits by the new American president.

World nervous as Ahmadinejad draws Bush in UN ‘Secret Santa’

Thursday, December 4th, 2008

Opportunity for Iran to thank America for making the world a safer place.

Blair offers to be Obama’s puppy

Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair has offered his services to the new president of the United States in what he describes as a key role at the centre of the White House.

‘No it is not demeaning’ Blair told reporters, sporting a rented cartoon dog costume; this is the special relationship in action.’ Tony Blair has undertaken a number of key posts since resigning as Prime Minister last year, but has alway made it be known that he was interested in cementing Anglo-American relations. His duties would include strict retrieval projects, accompanying the First Lady on walkabouts and security responsibilities in the backyard of the White House.

Refugees from Congo Civil War ‘more angry about Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand’

Thursday, October 30th, 2008

BBC Radio 2 scandal has left morale in Central Africa at an all time low

World leaders agree rescue plan – ‘turn all the computers off and then turn them back on again’

Monday, October 13th, 2008

An emergency summit of the Presidents and Prime Ministers of the G8 economies has hammered out a ‘workable rescue package’ that they claim will halt the current global economic meltdown and restore the markets to previous levels.

‘All these figures on the computers have got so complex and out of control, that we agreed it was probably best to turn the power off at the mains and see what happened when we turned them back on.’

Yard plummets against the Metre

Saturday, September 6th, 2008

Government figures published today revealed a sharp down-turn in imperial measurements against their metric equivalents. The mile slumped 400 yards against the kilometre, while the pound fell 3 ounces against the kilogram. Panic was quickly replaced by anger among British holidaymakers in Spain, as they woke up to find themselves anything up to six inches shorter than the day before, while their Spanish counterparts appeared to have had grown by a similar amount.

Yves Saint Laurent buried in counterfeit coffin

Saturday, June 7th, 2008

Friends of the veteran fashion designer Yves Saint Laurent spoke of their anger after the coffin in which he was being buried was found to be a cheap fake copy from Korea. ‘We looked in awe as the funeral procession began its walk down the aisle, but then I spotted something odd’ sobbed Vivienne Westwood. Jean-Paul Gaultier continued ‘Yes, what were supposed to be solid gold coffin handles were revealed to be YSL fakes as undertakers noticed that their palms had turned green.’