Welcome to Ye Olde Newsbiscuit Gift Shoppe – ‘abandon cash all ye who enter’
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Turning left down a darkened alley, you spy an old curiosity shop – brimming with strange potions and unwanted bric-a-brac. A half-lit sign swings precariously from flaking brickwork. The letters WO-LWO-THS are obscured by crude graffiti declaring this to be ‘Newsbiscuit, purveyor of filth and lies’. Inside you will find all manner of oddities, authored by our Newsbiscuit team. Some of it barely legal. Some of it barely legible. Please browse from our exotic wares; including well-thumbed books, novelty gizmos and a bespoke collection of c$ck rings. All proceeds go to a John O’Farrell of your choice. |
Past Alumni and Illuminati
These are some of our writers who have gone onto much more lucrative careers in the private sector
| About the author | Book Title | Book Title | ||
| James Mylet: ‘…not as funny or clever as he thinks he is’ – The Guardian(@JamesMylet, known on Newsbiscuit as ‘toastnotghosts’) | Lex | Love is on Air | ||
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| “I always used to write little short stories or ideas and had sent away to Private Eye and the Onion but they don’t really accept submission so when Newsbiscuit came along and it gave me an outlet to see if what i thought was funny was funny. I got a few front pages and headlines and the pride in someone thinking that your idea was the funniest of the day and posting a full article of it was fantastic.After a while I had a few front pages and NewsBiscuit’s editor said I should try writing for some of the BBC radio comedy shows that accept submissions like Recorded for training Purposes, Look Away Now and Newsjack.Hearing people laugh to something you’ve written read out on the radio is a wonderful feeling. From that it gave me confidence that the story writing i had been doing might be good enough for submission so i started to concentrate on my novel which got picked up and released.I still submit now and again when I have a good idea that think would work on Newsbiscuit.What I think Newsbiscuit taught me is how to hone an idea, how to get better at writing and re-writing ideas, and the joy in people enjoying your work.” |
| About the author | Book Title | Book Title | Book Title | |
| Neal Doran: ‘Not obviously funny.'(@doranneal) |
Other Plans (3 book series) | Dan Taylor Is Giving Up On Women | Not What They Were Expecting | |
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| “I started submitting stuff to the Newsbiscuit Writers’ Room because having your jokes die horribly on the internet is much better than having it happen at a comedy club’s try-out night, where you can see everyone not laughing. Then something cool happened. As I ploughed away, wondering if a wacky user name might make me sound funnier, complete strangers started leaving me stars, and even better, started chipping in (helpfully…) with ways to make the stories funnier. Then some of the ideas started working, and I learned that honest accounts of personal awkwardness and humiliation could get laughs if you pretended they were made up. With help from the credits I had from NewsBiscuit, I was able to get some jokes on BBC Radio (the chat room’s a great spot to pick up on opportunities) and I got the chance to pitch in at a real life writers’ room for Radio 4’s The Now Show. I even have an email from the BBC asking how to pronounce my surname for the credits. For a few minutes I sat and wondered if pronouncing it Dor-RAN made me sound more showbiz… At some point, I also realised that I’d written more than 40,000 words of ticker jokes and longer subs — half a book! So I sat down with a fresh Word document, and a bit of confidence that I could churn out enough pages, to have a proper go at writing a full-blown romantic comedy novel. While the laptop’s cursor flashed blankly at me, I wondered for a few minutes whether changing my surname to d’Oran would make me sound more authorly…” |
| About the author | Book Title | Book Title | ||
| Maz Evans: ‘Righter and Loudhailer for bookbuddy.org.uk'(@MaryAliceEvans or Mary Evans on NB) |
Who Let The Gods Out (series) | Rosie Harker, Nosey Parker | ||
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| Maz’s debut children’s novel Who Let the Gods Out was published by Chicken House in February 2017 and was selected as the Waterstone’s Children’s Book of the Month. It entered the bestseller charts on its first week on sale, has sold to 17 countries worldwide and has received 20 award nominations, including the Carnegie Medal, Branford Boase, Books Are My Bag and Waterstone’s Children’s Book of the Year.Maz is much in demand as a comedy book and lyrics writer for the stage. Her original musical H. R. HAITCH, with composer Luke Bateman, is being produced by Iris Theatre at the Union Theatre, London in 2018. She has previously had shows produced at the Actors’ Church Covent Garden, Southend Palace Theatre and Bryanston Arts Centre. Her cabaret songs are regularly performed in the West End and beyond.As a songwriter, Maz has won the Iris Theatre Work in Process songwriting award three years in succession (with composer Luke Bateman). As a scriptwriter, she won thescriptwriter.co.uk scriptwriting competition and a place in Philip Shelley’s Advanced Mentoring Lab at the London Screenwriters’ Festival. She was also shortlisted for the BAFTA Rocliffe New Writing Forum and the Scriptangel contest. As an author, she has won the hearts of thousands of children and as a nuclear physicist, she has been completely rubbish. |
Current Inmates
Here is a sample of wannabee writers still working in the Newsbiscuit salt-mines
| About the author | Book Title | Synopsis | Review | Also in Betamax |
Our Staff Writers have complete loyalty to Mr O’Farrell, but respectfully ask to be fed… and washed. |
Isle of Wight to get Ceefax | An elaborate pyramid scheme | ‘Could be worse’ | Isle of Wight to get Ceefax |
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| About the author | Book Title | Book Title | Book Title | Book Title |
| Ray Sullivan:(@rayasullivan or throngsman on NB) | Project Evil | The Last Simple | Digital Life Form | Skin |
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| Book Blurb | Book Title | |||
| For celebrities, death is only the beginning of the end.This black comedy contains drug, sex and rock and roll references and is also very violent in parts. | Hotel California | |||
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| About the author | Book Title | About the author | Book Title | |
| Jim Sullivan:(known as Deceangli on NB) | The Amnesia Desk | David Middleton: (known as Dick Everyman on NB) | Ursula Minor | |
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| About the author | Book Title | About the author | Book Title | |
| Lindy Moone: (in collaboration with NB’s Beau Jolly & Al O’Pecia)An international “antrollogy” about online trolls.”All proceedes of the 99p go to chaaridy.” | For Whom The Bell Trolls | Containing a short story by our own Michael ‘Myke‘ Brandon. How becoming a librarian takes you one step closer to being a terrorist.”An ideal gift for someone you love, or someone you hate”. | Shhhh…Murder! | |
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| About the author | Book Title | |||
| A.R.Warmington: (known as ‘Oxbridge’. One of our longest serving writer’s. Still tunneling to freedom.) | Civil War, Interregnum and Restoration in Gloucestershire, 1640-1672 | |||
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| About the author | Book Title | Play Script | Book Title | Book Title |
| Wrenfoe:Land based mammal, who helped write Newzoids.(@Wrenfoe)”Annoyingly, Mrs Wren is selling a lot more books these days. Help me to wipe that smug smile off her face.” | Trump Holds Back | Reformation | Islamic State claim to have written Pet Sounds | Absolutely Smashing It (Mrs Wren) |
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Bargain Basement
Once you have purchase every other title on this page, feel free to try one of these
| About the author | Book Title | Book Title | Book Title | Book Title |
John O’Farrell supports Fulham. Hasn’t he suffered enough? |
Things Can Only Get Worse? | An Utterly Exasperated History of Modern Britain | An Utterly Impartial History of Britain | |
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| There’s Only Two David Beckhams | May Contain Nuts | A History of Capitalism According to the Jubilee Line | I Have A Bream | |
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