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James Bond, the secret agent formerly known as 007, has resigned from MI5, citing excessive paperwork, political correctness and boring villain’s lairs as making his life as a government assassin unbearable.

‘When I started out as a hired killer for the UK goverment, I was given a gun and allowed to take out anyone I liked. I fought the real super-villains, who built rocket launching sites inside volcanoes, supertankers that swallowed submarines, space stations and the like – most of them with monorails. On the way, I could have unprotected sex with any woman I fancied. But the assassination of Osama bin Laden shows how frustrating having a license to kill has become.’

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Posted: May 19th, 2011
More from Celebrity

Megalomaniac villain Ernest Blofeld has responded vigorously to claims of unsportsmanlike conduct in his treatment of a British agent who penetrated his secret base beneath a volcano in Iceland last week. The agent, unofficially identified as James Bond 007, was immediately executed after being captured by Blofeld’s guards.

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Posted: Mar 11th, 2010
More from World News

Tim Vallely, a 12-year-old boy from Wiltshire, became aware of the power of the intrinsic primal attraction of the opposite sex for the first time this weekend, when sitting on the living room floor while surrounded by three generations of his family watching a Sunday evening James Bond movie.

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Posted: Jan 3rd, 2010
More from Arts/Entertainment

Following revelations that the next head of MI6 was found to have a Facebook page, secret agent James Bond has also been found to be an active user of the site.

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Posted: Jul 6th, 2009
More from News In Brief

Incident involving a helicopter, a speedboat and an alligator, cost him no-claims bonus.

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Posted: Apr 7th, 2008
More from Arts/Entertainment