‘Our junior doctors are being worked to the point of exhaustion,’ said one whistle-blower, a practising love consultant. ‘With one in three marriages ending in divorce, we’ve been forced to work a triage system. While we try to patch up the salvageable relationships by pulling the screen around the bed, lighting scented candles and playing Barry White records, when it’s terminal we sometimes have no choice but to leave a couple on a trolley in the corridor until nature takes its course and one of them drifts away.’

Commentators have criticised the NHS’s performance between the sterilised bedsheets. ‘Doctors are so overworked they don’t have time to give us proper treatment,’ said one dissatisfied patient. ‘The one who saw my husband and I took one look at Kevin, shrugged and told me I could do so much better. Then he suggested to Kevin that if he was having problems getting in the mood, a brown paper bag can really spice things up.’

Pressure groups like the Single-But-Looking Society say that the British love system lags considerably behind our continental neighbours. ‘Under the efficient German system you can get into a relationship within the hour, providing you don’t try to laugh them into bed. And there’s so much we can learn from the Italians. Their prime minister is a firm believer in cradle to grave provision, meaning those close to the grave should have proper access to those not long out of cradles.’

The Government has attempted to reduce waiting times by setting up a 24-hour advice helpline, NHS Lurvin’ Direct, but this too has come in for criticism. ‘I was forwarded to some Indian call centre,’ complained one elderly suitor. ‘They advised me to consult page 27 of the Kama Sutra, arch my back and put my left arm under my wife’s right leg. Well, the earth certainly moved for Mildred – in fact it moved right out from under her. She now needs a replacement hip and doctors estimate a waiting time of months before I see any action again.’

jp1885 (hat-tips to Quaz and Oxbridge)

Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital has opened an account on Twitter for one day only and agreed to post regular updates from doctors and nurses as they go about their vital duties. The hospital hopes the Tweets will increase confidence in the NHS by giving patients and the public an insider’s view of the challenges of a typical day at work.

Monday 6 June

‘Only 2375 fatalities so far in 2011. A fantastic effort team! #BetterThanItSoundsHonest’ – 11 hours ago

‘Dr Collins will be wearing the dunce’s hat for June after prescribing antibiotics for a cold. Everyone knows they don’t kill viruses. Classic. #7YearsOfMedSchool’ – 9 hours ago

‘Just found elderly woman left on a trolley in the corridor for three days! She was double parked and hadn’t paid and displayed. She’s in for a quite a bill if she wakes from her coma! #BillItToTheEstate – 8 hours ago

‘Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Pryce. First couple today to have a baby with the right number of fingers and toes. #NormalForNorfolk’ – 8 hours ago

‘Only 2376 fatalities so far in 2011. A fantastic effort team! #EveryLittleHelps’ – 6 hours ago

‘Thank God little Martin Smith got better as his mother was a frightful bore. Still, she won’t be laughing when the MRSA we spiked her drink with kicks in. LOL! #MeantBOAR’ – 5 hours ago

‘Never been a better time to get on the chemotherapy waiting list. Recent patients disappearing fast. #It’sAnIllWindThatBlows’ – 4 hours ago

‘Some junior docs spent the morning messing about in the X-ray room. Best pose was a Brucie-style ‘The Thinker’. #YouDon’tHaveToBeMadToWorkHere’ – 2 hours ago

‘Dish of the day on the wards – Cottage pie on a bed of cardboard. #RecyclingTargetTICK’ – 1 hour ago

‘2377 fatalities so far in 2011. RIP Mrs Smith. #HadItComing – 1 hour ago

‘Seriously, an MRI scanner doesn’t just go missing. The thing’s bigger than a car and we need it back. Pls RT’ – 18 minutes ago

Written by OllieP and Curbie Firetank

‘We warned that this would happen’, said Liz Matthews of The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, ‘The start of the cricket season overlapped nicely with the end of the football, and the under 21 tournament segued nicely into Wimbledon, but this gap was always a concern. We urged the authorities to arrange a darts tournament or even just a snooker friendly, but they wouldn’t listen. And now it’s carnage out there’

Exigo

An inquiry in London today heard the evidence of a passenger who performed a mid-air tracheotomy on a fellow passenger, who got into difficulty during a recent transatlantic flight. Tom Belvedere, 43, who has no medical training, carried out the complex procedure on 29-year-old Suzanne Kirby. The operation that involves making an incision into the windpipe and blowing air into the lungs is only recommended as a last resort, if life is in danger.

‘It wasn’t easy I can tell you’ said Tom, ‘What with the turbulence and only a plastic knife and fork to cut with, it’s a miracle she made it through. Thank heavens I am a fan of medical shows and I have seen it before. But those pros make it look easy. Getting the pen in was a right bastard! Messy as hell too.’

However, Mr James Knight, the consultant who treated Ms Kirby on the ground was highly critical of the would-be doctor. Whilst he commended Mr Belvedere’s intentions as genuine, he warned other passengers about attempting mid-air surgery. ‘It’s always best to seek a qualified medical practitioner. It’s also pretty important to make sure that the patient is actually in need of a life saving operation before you go carving her up and sticking a tube in her throat. It’s also not advisable to perform surgery when you are pissed.’

Mr Knight’s comments came after the inquest heard evidence directly from the ‘patient.’ Speaking softly, the attractive, Ms Kirby said that Mr Belvedere, who had been drinking throughout the flight, had been ‘a bit too chatty’ and ‘bordering on the annoying.’ She described how she coughed slightly and reached for some water saying that she had something in throat. ‘The next think I know Mr Belvedere had picked me up and carried me to the back of the plane, he was demanding brandy from the cabin crew which he sloshed on my neck, I was frozen in fear, thank God I passed out, when I woke up I was in hospital, with real doctors, not that bloody clown.’

Mr Belvedere was arrested when he later turned up at the hospital, in a doctor’s coat, for what he called his ‘post-op rounds.’ It turns out he also has a number of convictions for indecent assaults on cattle, dating back to when he was a avid viewer of ‘All Creatures Great and Small.’