NewsBiscuit » Alastair Darling

MPs filmed offering services ‘in return for votes’

The Paper Ostrich — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 15:00:09 +0000

Westminster was rocked by further scandal today after several former Labour ministers and others were filmed approaching their constituents and offering to lobby the Government on their behalf in return for their vote.

The allegations centre on Stephen Byers, Patricia Hewitt and 644 other MPs who are reported to have held secret public meetings where they promised to influence Government policy ‘however the voters wanted them to’.

Senior Government figures were critical of Byers and the others. ‘It’s not our place as politicians to listen to the ordinary public,’ said Chancellor Alastair Darling, ‘and certainly not to promise that we’ll do whatever they want us to do. Otherwise what sort of a mess do you think we’d be in? Messy wars, economy down the tubes, worsening social mobility, incompetent government – it just doesn’t bear thinking about.’

Bank of England sells unwanted gold reserves after seeing daytime TV ad

Ludicity — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 11:00:39 +0000

The Bank of England has confirmed that they will be popping the entire nation’s gold reserve into envelopes and sending it off to Cash4Gold in return for ready money, after the Governor, Mervyn King, saw an advertisement on daytime television.

Bank of England staff are working around the clock to get all the gold reserves into reasonably-sized jiffy bags. ‘The job is a lot easier because Gordon managed to flog most of it off cheap when he was still here,’ said one Bank of England worker. ‘To be honest it will be a relief to get it out from under our feet.’

Alastair Darling, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, has welcomed the Bank’s decision. ‘Turning gold bullion into cash is a splendid idea and could help us refinance the British economy. I am already in negotiations with the Queen who may have some unwanted orbs and sceptres which she isn’t planning on leaving to her children, so we might as well make a bob or two out of them. Lovely jubbly.’

Government plan to grab dormant cash angers time travellers

Guest — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 14:00:43 +0000

Time Travellers have launched an attack on the Chancellor of the Exchequer following plans to seize so-called dormant accounts, where cash has been sitting for lengthy periods untouched. Spokesman Norbert Jones, a time traveller from the year 3900, accused the government of stealing the food pills from his children’s mouths. ‘Putting one pound in an account in this century and withdrawing the accumulative interest centuries later is a standard income earner in the future, but what’s the point if the government takes it all first?’

Jones, who appeared from nowhere resplendent in a purple bodysuit with platinum blonde hair continued: ‘Luckily in this particular time-frame the interest rate is bloody awful anyway. If this had happened a few years ago Mr. Darling’s mum would have found herself on the wrong end of a Terminator droid back in the 50′s!’ Jones then spent 20 minutes in Ladbrokes before disappearing as mysteriously as he had arrived.

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