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Posts Tagged ‘Alex Salmond’

Salmond: Second Bannockburn ‘inevitable’

Tomorrow? Belongs to me, ya ken!In his usual, measured, non-inflammatory manner, the ex-leader of the Scottish National Party Alex Salmond has insisted he will soon retake Stirling Castle and shove a red hot poker ‘up the arse’ of David Cameron to avenge both historical and current slights on a proud and powerful nation.

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Posted: Jul 27th, 2015
More from Politics, UK News



SNP to renounce nationalism in favour of ‘pissing off Cameron’

Political equivalent of 'Glasgow kiss'SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon is set to announce that her party is to formally abandon its goal of an independent Scotland and concentrate instead on ‘really pissing off Cameron and his Tory mates.’

‘Deep down we always knew that independence thing wasn’t gonna fly, especially with Salmond as pilot,’ said Sturgeon at a specially convened meeting of senior party members. ‘But watching the Tories scuttling over the border as if they’re arses were on fire to plead their case was priceless. It gave us a new sense of purpose – making the lives of those posh Southern jessies as miserable as possible.’

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Posted: Jul 15th, 2015
More from Politics



Scotland invited to make its bloody mind up

there'll be a gloaming in their roamingsEngland, Wales and Northern Ireland, the other three constituent parts of the Divided Kingdom, have come together to ask Scotland if it wouldn’t mind pouring itself a nice glass of Irn-Bru and sorting its head out once and for all. This follows a referendum last year in which Scotland voted strongly against independence and a general election earlier this month in which it voted overwhelmingly for a party whose sole purpose is to secure independence.

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Posted: May 19th, 2015
More from Politics



Salmond to run for London Mayor

‘Of course, I’m hoping to become an MP – the expenses are better and with enough SNP MPs in Parliament we can force the canteen to deep fry Mars bars the Holyrood way,’ said Alex Salmond today, ‘but if that doesnae pan out, I’m going tae run for London Mayor.’

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Posted: Apr 24th, 2015
More from News In Brief



Nick Clegg launches sinister dating site: ‘Salmond, Farage or Me’

the British public finally has a choice of dirty partnerIn attempt to help voters lose their lunch, the Lib Dems have promoted their answer to C4’s ‘The Undateables’. Offering a stark choice of sexual extremes, Nick Clegg has positioned himself as the ‘moderate filling’, sandwiched between the thick, sweaty slabs of the SNP’s Alex Salmond and UKIP’s Nigel Farage.

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Posted: Apr 15th, 2015
More from Politics