‘My back was only turned for a few seconds’ says Alec Dunning in his autobiography “Back from the Nit Nurse”, ‘but when I looked at my maths book someone had drawn a big hairy knob on the front cover. Gordon was trying to look all innocent, but I knew it was him.’

Mr Dunning’s book is the latest in a series of memoirs written by former pupils of Kirkaldy West Primary School that dish the dirt on the turbulent school days of Mr Brown. Earlier this year Mandy Peterson told in her book how the young Gordon had flown into a rage after she had accused him of picking his nose and eating it. ‘He started screaming that I was a Joey Deacon and then pulled my hair. I was distraught until the end of morning playtime.’ Alex Camborne also told in his book how the young Gordon had asked him if he collected stamps. ‘I was a keen philatelist so said yes, only for him to stamp on my foot, shouting ‘there’s one for your collection!’’.

Dunning also confirms many of the allegations made in previous books of the ongoing feud between Gordon and another boy, Toby Blaine. ‘They were always at each others’ throats,’ Dunning writes. ‘Gordon would get top marks in maths and would mock Toby for it, then Toby would come top in creative writing and rub Gordon’s nose in it. But it really came to a head when Toby was told he could play Joseph in school nativity. Gordon was adamant that he’d agreed with Toby that he could play Joseph that year, but Toby wasn’t going to step aside, so Gordon tried to get the rest of the class to back him. It split the class in two – some of them wanted Gordon to have a go, the rest thought Toby was the best Joseph. In the end they played conkers for the role and Toby won, but Gordon was convinced he’d pickled his conker in vinegar so gave Toby a wedgie.’

Dunning added that Gordon didn’t get his chance to play Joseph until his final year at the school after Toby’s parents had moved away from the area. ‘Poor Gordon, it was his big chance but the production was a shambles that year – Toby’s best mate played the inn-keeper and told him there wasn’t room in the stable either, and Joseph and Mary had a row next to the manger about whether they should sell the gold, frankincense and myrrh to pay off their debts. In the end most parents went to watch Kirkaldy North’s nativity instead.’

‘The sight of Hoon, Hewitt and Byers promising access for cash has led to a huge rise in UK déjà vu,’ said an analyst. ‘All this archive footage of Neil Hamilton and Mohammed al Fayed and that Aitken bloke is fuelling the déjà vu boom, and the Government has the chance to slap a tax on it and make a mint.’

The gamble is likely to dent Labour’s support among older voters. Maurice Levinson, 85, recently had to sell his house to pay for his residential care. ‘I’ve worked hard all my life and now I’ve had to sell my home of sixty years, all I’ve got left are my memories,’ he said. ‘Now it turns out the Government is trying to take those too, at least before the dementia sets in.’

There was no confirmation from the Treasury today about the proposed tax. ‘There have been rumours about a so-called déjà vu tax for a long time,’ said a Treasury source. ‘Frankly, we’ve been here before.’

K D Adamson

‘It’s fantastic news for everone at the bank’ said Henry Morgan a 49-year-old bond trader.  ’I really missed the odd bit of saffron but now thanks to Waitrose I can afford to add some to my seafood linguini. The addition of fugi is particularly helpful as I’ve invited Alistair Darling and his wife round for dinner next week and I was going to poison him with arsenic, but now Waitrose has saved me the trouble.’

‘It’s wonderful isn’t it,’ said Chancellor Alistair Darling, basking in the warm glow of the fire, ‘we’ve been scooping up lots and lots of cash in preparation and were supposed to burn it all in one go. Then Mervyn turns up with another £25 billion in hundreds of wheelbarrows and now it’ll probably keep going till Christmas.’

But keeping the cheery atmosphere going is likely be hard unless the right measures are taken in the medium to long term, the Chancellor warned. ‘We’ve run out of toffee apples already – Mervyn, don’t suppose you’ve got any cash?’

Darling met departmental ministers for crisis talks, when they all stretched and yawned until the coffee arrived and then chatted amongst themselves. ‘I did manage to catch a word with the tea-lady though,’ said Darling, ‘who reassured me that something is sure to turn up, so I’m going with that idea and maybe also a surprise windfall tax like she suggested.’

David Cameron admitted to being totally outmanoeuvred by Darling’s new approach. ‘There I was, pulling an angry face, and he goes and makes me look like a complete prick.’

‘It’s absurd that they get so long off,’ said Alan Duncan’s father today.  ‘It’s not even August but already it seems like weeks ago that the Speaker let them take games in on the last day of term.  All Alan’s doing is sitting around the house watching repeats on the Parliament Channel and getting under my feet.  I keep telling him to go and get a job, but he just laughs at me.’

Members of the public have also reported concern at the return of MPs to their constituencies.  ‘The problem is the lack of facilities which means they’ve got nothing to do,’ said one of Ann Widdecombe’s constituents today.  ‘You see them hanging around on street corners, and it’s scary.  All you’ve got to do is look at them in the wrong way and they’ll have you there for hours going on about how they shouldn’t all be tarred with the same brush.  The community is living in fear.’

But for some MPs’ parents the summer holidays isn’t all bad news. Tony McNulty’s mum and dad are said to be delighted that recess will allow their son to move out and return to the North London constituency home which he can’t get to when Parliament is sitting due to the prohibitive commute.  And Alistair Darling’s parents have wasted no time in packing him off to Camp Westminster for the summer in the hope that some extra tuition will mean he isn’t held back a few years come the next election.  Those close to Gordon Brown have suggested he may also be joining his Chancellor following his embarrassing showing at sports day when he couldn’t even win the sack race.

However, for the majority of parents dreading being stuck at home with their MP all summer, there was some further bad news today as the Chief Medical Officer admitted that it may be necessary to keep Parliament closed come October to curb the spread of swine flu.  ‘It’s a last resort, but we may need to tell Ministers to stay at home if we’re to have any hope of managing this virus.  In fact, it’s probably also best if they avoid people and public places,’ he added, ‘at least until we can develop a vaccine.’

(Hat-tip to Stan Laurel)

As from next week, all MPs will be equipped with cheap but practical Tesco uniforms including name badges and non-cabinet members will be put on the minimum wage with the opportunity to increase their salary if they participate in management training schemes. Tesco branding will also be visible during Prime Minister’s questions and MPs will be encouraged to use the phrase ‘Every little helps’ whenever they propose a bill or suggest a solution during a debate.

The retail chain, which recently reported profits of over three billion pounds, has already announced radical cost-saving measures including replacing local councils with self services machines situated in town halls and libraries. Some critics have said that this will make members of the public unable to comment on local issues but Tesco have promised that the screens will come complete with a number of ‘Quick Gripe’ keys which will allow customers to register complaints about a number of common issues including bin collections, public transport and the pernicious spread of supermarkets.

The Chancellor was quick to deny that high street supermarkets would also be taking over British military responsibilities. ‘No, these will be outsourced to Tesco Direct’ he explained. British military personnel will be delivered to any location in the greater Iraqi or Afghan area within any requested one hour slot. ‘Although if we are unable to deliver the requested military objective we will replace them with their nearest equivalent.’

‘After many years experience of lending books to the reading public, the nation’s libraries are ideally positioned to move into the competitive financial sector,’ said Alistair Darling. ‘Just one look at their modern dynamic workforce and state-of-the-art equipment should reassure even the most hardened sceptic that their proven track record in bookkeeping will make this scheme a resounding success.’

Gearing up for the libraries’ new role has been a big operation. Library desks are now stocked with large leather briefcases, or ‘bags for life’, to assist customers carrying off loans in the ‘hefty to whopping’ range. In addition, books of outsize cheques, previously only accepted as legal tender at charity fundraising events, have been ordered in for the large print sections, while reference libraries have been expanding their coin collections for the benefit of customers with particularly poor credit ratings. It has also been confirmed that Securicor has been awarded the contract for a new fleet of mobile libraries.

Tight financial control will limit borrowers to no more than six loans at a time on a single library card, enforced by a zero-tolerance culture which will see any failure to return a loan by the date stamped on the cash result in harsh penalties of 5p a day up to a limit of GBP5. Persistent breaches of loan conditions will lead to customers being fixed with a chastening stare by the beady-eyed old lady on the checkout desk.

However, some critics have questioned the credentials of the public libraries to operate such a scheme. A number of branches needed massive government bailouts after announcements of enormous hikes in gas prices saw a pre-winter run on Jeffrey Archer novels. Concerns have also been raised about offering children 500% mortgages with their ‘Horrid Henry’ books, but libraries say they are prepared to accept small regular repayments from children’s pocket money to avoid them getting into financial difficulties.

The government also used the launch of the lending scheme at Watford Public Library to explain fully how it was going to get out of the current financial mess. Unfortunately Alistair Darling’s whisper could not be heard and every time a journalist asked a difficult question, government advisors around the library said ‘Shhh!’