‘I don’t think there’s a weatherman in America who doubts that Hurricane Irene was a meteorological message from God that we need to rein in government spending and slash the deficit now,’ said Bachmann today. ‘But I can’t help feeling that the Almighty is also trying to tell us something else, something more fundamental about the fall of America, by calling on me, Michele Bachmann, to run for the position of leader of the world’s most influential country.’

Although Bachmann has previously riled Democrats with her staunchly pro-life views and denial of climate change, her latest pronouncement on the manifestation of God’s will has struck a chord with her opponents.

‘Maybe we were too quick to judge her when she claimed that The Lion King soundtrack was recruiting children to homosexuality,’ said Nancy Pelosi, former Democrat Speaker. ‘And maybe putting her face on condoms to promote abstinence really was the right thing to do. But there’s no doubting she’s really hit the nail on the head this time.’

‘Imagine it – perhaps the conservatives have been right all along,’ continued Pelosi. ‘Maybe Glenn Beck is God’s punishment for America promoting same-sex marriage. I bet it’s all there in the Book of Revelations – the first harbinger of the apocalypse being the Presidency of Michele Bachmann. Either way, if she gets into the White House, He’s definitely going to be a one-term deity.’

Textbook (hat-tip to Thisisalloneword)

‘This leaves us in a bit of a fix,’ admitted leading right-wing sceptic Donald Trump. ‘On the one hand we know once and for all that Obama is not a natural-born citizen of the United States and is ineligible for the presidency. But on the other he is the human incarnation of Almighty God, and that’s likely to play pretty well among our church-going grass-roots supporters. Even so, you show me where in the Bible it says that these healthcare reforms are the divine will of God.’

The copy of Obama’s ‘long form’ birth certificate provides conclusive proof that he was born in a manger in the Holy land on 25 December to parents Mary and Joseph. It is signed by the attending shepherds, witnessed by three wise men and carries the official stamp of the Judean authorities.

‘It’s difficult to know how to proceed,’ continued Trump. ‘We could oust the President on the grounds that he was not born in the US, but then he could smite us where we stand and damn us for all eternity. In hindsight, I can’t believe the founding fathers didn’t specify in the Constitution that the Commander-in-Chief’s mother can’t be a virgin or his father the deity of a major world religion.’

Disillusioned by Obama’s seemingly infallible status, some birthers are now turning their attention to questioning the credentials of other famous authority figures. ‘I think this Jesus guy maybe wasn’t all he claimed,’ said one. ‘Firstly, I’d argue that the King of the Jews lost his citizenship when his family fled to Egypt. And secondly, he was almost certainly a Muslim. Look, we found this birth certificate for Jesus Hussein Christ.’

Monitoring stations have been noting the incidence of the pronunciation on a number of drivetime radio shows across America’s West coast. The usage is thought to have been prompted by a rare outbreak of international news in the US media. Observers are concerned that the usage may escalate to network TV channels. There is also worry that America has the capability to direct the word towards a number of key overseas media, including Radio 4’s Today programme and BBC2’s Newsnight.

Only last year the US had agreed on a moratorium on the use of ‘nuke-ulor’, along with ‘Eye-rark’, ‘aloo-min-um’.  These were agreed in exchange for a number of UK concessions, including permanent decommissioning of the words ‘indubitably’ and ‘estimable’,

Despite concern about the stand-off, a number of  international commentators are suggesting that the actions of the last 24 hours are in fact aimed at the country’s domestic audience. ‘This always happens at times of economic uncertainty.’ claims Anthony Spleigh     professor of militaristico-linguistics at University College, London, England ‘government sources stir up a wave of linguistic ‘Pay-tree-it-ism’ Sources start leaking rumours about secret linguistic fission centres, and ‘MUSS-aile’ testing in underground ‘LAB-ur-Tor-ees’ and ‘LY-ber-ees’.  I’m sure their secretive leader president Ba-RARK Obama will soon bow to pressure if other nations stand firm. The last time the UN threatened to ‘debrief’ President Bush he soon changed his tune and rapidly called the whole thing off.’

Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams, who made the inflammatory remark in a new year message, has been ‘on the radar’ of America’s state department since he accepted an invitation to speak to a gathering of the Ku-Klux-Klan.

Williams has said that he accepted the invitation only because he ‘shares a dress sense’ with the Klan’s Grand Wizard.

‘I don’t know what all the fuss is about,’ Dr Williams said. ‘Anybody would think I was advocating burning the bloody book.’

‘I lost both my sons to that film,’ remembered 51-year-old Lola Dupree from Alabama. ‘They were strapping young boys starting out in life and just trying to do their bit for the nation’s film industry on a public holiday. They had no idea what they were getting into. No mother should have to see her children carried out of a movie theatre after 153 minutes of implausible screenplay and agonising exposure to Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum.’

Services were held across the nation as Americans remembered the fateful day when the film went on general release. ‘Thousands never made it out of the movie theatres alive,’ said historian Forrester Clark. ‘The fortunate ones slipped into comas, but others had to find lighting to hang themselves from or overdose on popcorn. It was a bloodbath. Even those that made it out into the daylight just turned their eyes to the heavens in the hope that it was all a bad dream and the aliens had actually come and were about to make a better fist of destroying the planet than they did in the film.’

And of the survivors, most are still trying to come to terms with what they witnessed. ‘All I can remember is that when the alcoholic flew his plane into the mother ship at the end of the film and sacrificed himself, I knew exactly how he felt,’ said Greg Fairbank who will never visit a cinema again. ‘But after 20 years it’s the unanswered questions that keep me awake at night. Questions like ‘why me’, ‘do all Presidents know how to fly a fighter jet’ and ‘how could the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air do that to me?’ How can we have ‘unalienable rights’ that fail to protect us from appalling alien movies?’

But despite the sorrowful reflection, some still see the 4th of July holiday as a chance to reinforce traditional American values. ‘When the founding fathers sat down to draft the Declaration of Independence in 1776, they would never have imagined that just 220 years later director Roland Emmerich would have paid tribute to their work by making a film reminding Americans of the torment and injustice that the colonies endured,’ continued Clark. It has even been suggested that Emmerich’s face should be added to those carved into Mount Rushmore, but critics argue that it would only turn out unrealistic and unwatchable.

America today woke up to the news that George W. Bush will remain US president for a further four years after officials from the Electoral College ruled that he had failed to secure the grades needed to graduate from the White House. A sub-clause of the US Constitution requires a serving president to be held back and forced to repeat a term if he does not make the necessary progress.

‘There were clear signs during the President’s first term that led us to suspect he may have special leadership needs,’ said a spokesman for the Electoral College today, ‘and the second term did nothing to dispel those concerns. We put in place an intensive support programme, but despite some progress in subjects like walking and eating, the President’s end-of-administration results mean he’s not yet ready to join wider society.’

Told of his lack of progress in English, George Bush said he was ‘disappointmented’ but insisted he would make the grade next time round. ‘I am getting special tuitioning in English and extra helpings with geography. Though I already know quite a lot about the olden days.’

‘I just don’t understand it,’ said disappointed mother Barbara Bush today. ‘In his letters home George told us everything was going so well – I could tell from all the smiley faces in the pictures.’ But Barbara and George Bush Snr. remain hopeful that their son will make further progress, and that perhaps one day they will get to attend his graduation ceremony. ‘I know there was all that fuss over his entrance exams and whether he got enough marks to beat that Gore boy,’ said Barbara, ‘but since then he seemed to be making real strides.’

The Bush Presidency will forever be associated with the terrible images of September 11 2001, when the nation woke to see its President taking twenty minutes to finish a simple children’s picture book.

Genghis Cohen

‘I’m delighted with the draw,’ said a beaming Ahmadinejad afterwards. ‘You know how it is when you have the ideal present for someone – you’re just praying it’ll be their name you pick. We’ve had a research and development facility working for eight years for just this day, and now is our opportunity to show the world how much we appreciate the contribution the US is making to a better, safer world.’

A visibly nervous White House spokesman welcomed the result of the draw. ‘Are we worried? No! Why would we be worried? Of course we’re not worried,’ he said. ‘We’ve been wanting to strengthen our ties with the Iranian administration for some time – not to mention our missile defence system – and although it’s a shame president Ahmadinejad has let the cat out of the bag, it at least gives us plenty of time to, erm, prepare a really heartfelt thank-you letter.’ A CIA spokesman later denied any link between the immediate raising of the US’s national threat level and the Iranian president’s promise to deliver a gift of ‘devastating proportions’.

Other draws included Silvio Berlusconi getting North Korean leader Kim Yong-il, who is apparently planning to give him some extra tips on state-controlled television. Meanwhile Robert Mugabe only smiled when asked if he had drawn Gordon Brown as he was spotted by reporters leaving a Harare gift shop with some outsize foam fingers formed into a V-sign. And Nicholas Sarkozy was believed to have drawn Angela Merkel. His suggested present idea was met with a slap in the face from Germany’s first female Chancellor.

Genghis Cohen

Other Europeans visiting the United States have confirmed that Rounders continues to be big business in America where tens of thousands of people will spend hours watching the game in huge purpose built stadia. ‘They have special teams like the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees’ reported Mr Johnson, ‘but none of their kids are allowed to have a go like in Rounders back home. So you don’t have all that business of persuading the older kids to let the youngers ones have another try to avoid tantrums.’

Rounders is not the most popular sport in America however. That honour goes to the game that we know as ‘British bulldog’ although they have to wear special helmets and shoulder pads and are not told off by playground supervisors for being too rough.