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Posts Tagged ‘Andy Burnham’

Jeremy Corbyn enters Labour race in an alternate Universe

Labour having to boldly go where no party has gone before to find a new leaderScience fiction and socialism fans alike, have been delighted to discover that in a hypothetical self-contained reality there exists an actual left-wing candidate. The Member of Parliament for Islington North has managed to secure enough nominations to get on the ballot, but only in a parallel universe where there is compassion, collective responsibility and where we are ruled by a race of four-foot high, furry, purple bipeds all named ‘Michael Foot’.

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Posted: Jun 16th, 2015
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Labour to show business-friendly credentials by snorting cocaine

Labour's only remaining option to get its confidence backStung by the revelation that its election campaign did not understand the worlds of enterprise and high finance, the contenders for the party leadership have vowed to prove their business credentials. This will start next week, with Yvette Cooper offering her naked buttocks as a cocaine-cruet for Andy Burnham.

‘In hindsight, our campaign lacked the energy that business-minded people can bring to the party,’ said Burnham, announcing the snorting programme. ‘We have overlooked the kind of people who aspire to prosperity, wealth and reckless behaviour involving snorting Class A drugs from leadership contenders’ naked flesh.’

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Posted: May 20th, 2015
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Miliband triumphs/fails

Mr Miliband's banana was ['very tasty, thank you'/'unavailable for comment']Their mother said the best man had [triumphed/been utterly humiliated].

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Posted: May 12th, 2015
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Miliband dubsteps into the future with style tips from Skrillex

down wiv da kidz, innit, to winnitIn an attempt to appeal to the ‘yoof’ vote, Labour leader Ed Miliband has enlisted the help of well know young person and bass-dropper Skrillex.

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Posted: Apr 23rd, 2015
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GMB refuses to fund Shadow Cabinet’s ‘mid-life crisis’

Explaining their decision to cut its Labour donation from £1.2m to £150,000, a spokesman for the GMB said: ‘Our members are no longer willing to subsidise bass guitar lessons, the constant Googling of fetish clothing and an £84 a day ‘weed habit’ and 300,000 annual porn hits.’

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Posted: Sep 5th, 2013
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