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Posts Tagged ‘Andy Murray’

Davis Cup victory inspires the UK to rebuild its Empire

Buoyed on a wave of nationalistic pride and sporting disbelief, the Lawn and Tennis Association (LTA) has set out a series of measures to re-establish the UK’s imperial might and grass-court dominance. Following on from their first Davis Cup win in seventy nine years, the LTA will demand secession from the UN, a return to the Raj and the ‘head of Novak Djokovic’.

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Posted: Nov 30th, 2015
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Tim Henman out of Wimbledon commentary box

large crowd gathered to watch the big screen at Wimbledon, now dubbed ‘Timmy’s telly’, as Henman made his commentating debut on the Woman’s singles game between Li and Rodionova. However, he was completely out-analysed by Francesco Nova, who was making his debut for SportItalia.

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Posted: Jul 2nd, 2015
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London emergency services practice for Murray exit

expected to reach highest state of alert early next weekIntelligence officials have closed down sections of the UK’s capital, in order to stage a simulation of the terror conditions that will occur in the wake of the Wimbledon Champion ‘choking in the quarter finals’.

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Posted: Jun 30th, 2015
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One dead as Andy Murray celebrates Game of Thrones return with Dothraki wedding

Dothraki weddings ‘begin at dawn and end at dusk, an endless day of drinking and feasting and fighting’, so in a bid to differentiate it from a normal day in Scotland, Murray invited along famous bottler Tim Henman.

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Posted: Apr 13th, 2015
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Kim Sears’ Scottishness training coming along ‘very f**king nicely’

F*+&$@#^ W'&*%£$"*&^>*Kim Sears attempts to become more Scottish ahead of her marriage to Andy Murray appear to be well on track. Following her expletive-laden attack on Thomas Berdych in the Australian Open semi-final Murray told press that Kim is taking in lessons in swearing and invective in order to make their wedding day a truly authentic Scottish occasion.

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Posted: Feb 1st, 2015
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