‘It’s so unfair,’ huffed one MP, who wished to remain anonymous. ‘At this rate I’ll still be paying off the mortgage on my third house in 30 years time. This isn’t what I stood for when I became an MP. The problem is they keep changing the rules – you just can’t trust the electorate to deliver what they promise.’

With the police on hand to keep order the protests passed off peacefully, though things did threaten to turn ugly when Ann Widdecombe arrived.

 Alixir

Hasan al-Khalil, Director of Martyr Recruitment at the Islamist terror group, admitted that staffing levels were an issue. ‘We are a highly professional organisation and we won’t send out missions if we are not confident that we can get the right mix of nihilistic rage, externalised sexual inadequacy and stupidity needed to complete them to the high standards we expect,’ he said.

In recent weeks, al-Qaeda has increasingly found its young zealots unwilling to train on Saturday evenings, let alone die in agony in a blazing fireball. Contrived excuses, such as ‘I’ve got a cold’, ‘My uncle died’ and ‘I just wanted to see if Anton has put his back out lifting Ann Widdecombe yet’, have become the bane of its leaders’ lives.

‘You can’t volunteer to die for the glory of God then put conditions on it,’ said al-Khalili. ‘We even had one young Egyptian recently who said he’d only drive a carload of bombs into Downing Street if Aliona Vilani could be one of his 72 virgins in paradise. I tried to tell him gently, look she’s a 25-year-old Russian woman, it’s not very likely … he ran off in tears and we never saw him again.’

Al-Qaeda has stressed, however, that this is only a tactical move and that it remains fully committed to destroying the West. ‘We shall return fiercer than ever in the New Year, insh’Allah, to bring terror to the decadent crusaders,’ vowed al-Khalili. ‘God is great! God is great! God is great! Unlike Wagner, who is shit.’

Sami’s Cami’s were developed with fashion giant Karl Lagerfeld and include a 15-piece range of bikinis, thongs and teddies which accompanying adverts say will turn the Tory party into the Phwoarry Party.

However, the party has come under fire for using images of Conservative ladies modelling Mrs Cameron’s lingerie as part of its latest electoral poster campaign. Pictures of Ann Widdecombe wearing a basque are said to have caused a four car pile up on the A303. W H Smith has refused to stock magazines featuring the range of adverts, including one of Shadow Works and Pensions secretary Theresa May wearing nothing but a black bodystocking. Smith’s move is in response to a number of complaints from worried parents about the ads.

‘I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the thought of our local MP dressed up in pantyhose and a bra,’ said Carol Cushing, a concerned mother of two from Lowestoft, ‘especially when he doesn’t really suit it.’

The posters, which feature slogans like, ‘Knickers to the opposition’ and ‘The Conservatives are getting changed’, have already been hoaxed by internet pranksters. Fake slogans, such as ‘I’ve never voted Conservative before; because they’re pants’, have been added by web wags.

Mr Cameron meanwhile has dismissed the criticism as a ‘storm in a D cup’ and said that his wife’s background in the luxury goods sector meant that it inevitable she would eventually launch her own fashion line.

‘Really, this is just an extension of Samantha’s own personal style,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘many’s the time I’ve come home from a hard day at the political coal face to find Sam preparing a traditional family meal in a comfortable lace teddy. And in summer, people barely bat an eyelid at her doing the school run in a one-piece bikini. Personally, I resent the implication that I might be using my shapely wife as some form of political capital. I can’t help it if she isn’t some frumpy old boiler, as I imagine some other party leader’s wives might be.’

When asked how much input he had into the clothing, Mr Cameron smirked and said, ‘I’ve always been very hands on.’

‘It’s absurd that they get so long off,’ said Alan Duncan’s father today.  ‘It’s not even August but already it seems like weeks ago that the Speaker let them take games in on the last day of term.  All Alan’s doing is sitting around the house watching repeats on the Parliament Channel and getting under my feet.  I keep telling him to go and get a job, but he just laughs at me.’

Members of the public have also reported concern at the return of MPs to their constituencies.  ‘The problem is the lack of facilities which means they’ve got nothing to do,’ said one of Ann Widdecombe’s constituents today.  ‘You see them hanging around on street corners, and it’s scary.  All you’ve got to do is look at them in the wrong way and they’ll have you there for hours going on about how they shouldn’t all be tarred with the same brush.  The community is living in fear.’

But for some MPs’ parents the summer holidays isn’t all bad news. Tony McNulty’s mum and dad are said to be delighted that recess will allow their son to move out and return to the North London constituency home which he can’t get to when Parliament is sitting due to the prohibitive commute.  And Alistair Darling’s parents have wasted no time in packing him off to Camp Westminster for the summer in the hope that some extra tuition will mean he isn’t held back a few years come the next election.  Those close to Gordon Brown have suggested he may also be joining his Chancellor following his embarrassing showing at sports day when he couldn’t even win the sack race.

However, for the majority of parents dreading being stuck at home with their MP all summer, there was some further bad news today as the Chief Medical Officer admitted that it may be necessary to keep Parliament closed come October to curb the spread of swine flu.  ‘It’s a last resort, but we may need to tell Ministers to stay at home if we’re to have any hope of managing this virus.  In fact, it’s probably also best if they avoid people and public places,’ he added, ‘at least until we can develop a vaccine.’

(Hat-tip to Stan Laurel)

While the general public is expected to take to the scheme in the hope of adding value to rapidly dwindling property prices, Post Office spokesman Jim Lancaster noted that there has also been significant interest from high-profile celebrities, billionaire businessmen, and politicians. He revealed that one of the first personalised post codes to be sold was V1R G1N, ‘and we wish Miss Widdecombe many years of enjoyment of her purchase.’

The Royal family were also rumoured to be interested in new post codes for their estates across the country but, according to Palace insiders, Princes Philip and Harry have so far only come up with abbreviations that clash with requirements on racial equality, taste and decency.

The move was described by some commentators as a ‘pointless gimmick’, but this was strongly denied by the Royal Mail, who highlighted several accompanying benefits such as the free access to the new ‘Premium Second’ class of mail delivery, which will arrive in the same time-frame and condition as traditional second class post but delivered by ‘slightly more attractive postmen’. ‘We’re very confident the scheme is going to take off and really capture the public’s imagination in the same way personalised plates have,’ insisted Lancaster, ‘why already we’ve heard of one young wag who was so keen to get one he’s gone and changed his name to HA4 1JT!’

Parliament is to create its first Register of Members’ sexual interests as an official record of MPs’ erotic preferences, sexual persuasion and extra-marital relationships.

The latest extension of the Freedom of Information act follows a number of scandals in which a politician’s public stance has clearly conflicted with the approach taken in their private lives. It is hoped that MPs’ moral positions on sexual matters will be more consistent if a list is published detailing their visits to Spearmint Rhino or hours spent on hardcore pornographic websites; and so public respect for their elected representatives will be restored.

The Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards explained how the idea had come about; ‘The Government had just lost a big vote on the Prostitution in Public Places Bill when someone blurted out: “It’s no wonder Lanky Stephens voted against it; he’s a rampant kerb-crawler with a penchant for sado-masochism and bondage.”’ Further casual enquiries revealed that a number of the most outspoken moralists in the House of Commons who made a great show of removing prostitutes cards from Westminster telephone boxes, subsequently rang those very same numbers later in the evening.

Pressure for the register of sexual interests has come mainly from the tabloid press, who claim that such a register is ‘a matter of moral urgency’ and not at all a quick way to get loads of easy copy. But the commissioner claims that as well as stamping out conflicts of interest, the new register might spell the end for salacious tabloid headlines. ‘The next time a Lib Dem MP is snapped by a photographer from The Sun on Clapham Common with a 19 year-old call-boy called Leroy, it’ll take the wind right out of the story! He can just say I told you about this; check the register; under ‘D’ for ‘domination’.’

Members of Parliament will list their sexual activities on a special form, using a separate piece of paper if necessary. Ann Widdecombe was the first MP to enter the register. To great relief all round, her list of sexual interests simply said ‘None’.

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